I am finding it hard to know where to start. I have to assume that I have been left damaged from past experiences with men. I find it hard to open up and even be affectionate. I do not intiate cuddling for fear of rejection and I dont intiate sex/sex play for the same reason. I start feel very hot and almost like I cant breathe and almost suffocating when staying the night at a guy's home. I dont sleep very well at all. If I have to stay the night although I try not to. I make sure I leave as soon as the buses are running a regular service. . One morning I was almost herded out someone house just before 7am this didnt feel great.. I dont want to be made to feel unwelcomed in a guy house especially when I have my own place
This partly due The boy who fucked me in my double bed and then leave the room to go and sleep on my sofa bed. He never liked to cuddle so he didn't cuddle me after sex. I often wonder why he didn't just go find a fat black girl/ prosistute to fuck. PS : I'm not a prosistute but normally if you want to have sex with limited emotional or physical connection that's the place to go. But I realised he is an emotional sadist. I believe he gets off from hurting me emotionally. If he was on Fetlife under his fetishes emotional sadist would be one of them. He probably is on there pretending to be six feet tall and with a ten inch penis. I am not interested in searching thru profiles to find him. He emailed me to wish me Happy Birthday so I guess that progress. He has now set up email using his father name. I don't know why. The sad fact that is this little game has been going on since 2008.
I was hanging out with someone privately recently after s&m play and ended up staying the night. He must I thought I was odd I didn't try to cuddle him in case he rejected me. I didn't even try to do a footsie play in the morning which almost always leads to sexual play.Although we went to bed in the early hours I left his home at 7.30 am to go home under the guise that I was meeting a friend that afternoon. I was meeting a friend but I could of stayed but I was scared too. I wasn't scared of him I guess I was scared of getting to close to someone or hearing the words I have a really busy day a head of me so can you leave. But I did start to realise how controlled I am by fear of rejection that these little knock backs from other guys have made to scared to initiate anything in bed. But I did realise that if I calm down and take deep breathe I am able to breathe normally when staying at a guy house and get rid of the feeling that I am suffocating.
I have been having a little fun going to events and munches . I really like socialising and meeting people. I really like that is always some munch or event to go on the bdsm scene.
The last man I met on the scene and was seriously considering was A. He has nipple rings and accent and looks a bit like Mark Strong. Intially when we met we chatted in a group with my friends but then we ended just chatting together But when I decided to talk to other people. He stood nearby almost like a guard and watching me it felt a bit awkward as I like to talk to a lot of people He then offered me a bite of his cupcake and I bit it almost in a submissive way as I had no choice. He says he wants to submit but he is very dominant on the outside.
On fetlife he has some really sexy pictures of himself dressed up in a women's clothing which made me want to play with him. We have been for drinks we chatted and for most of the date he seemed incapable of keeping his hands to himself. But its really weird we have seen each other on the scene since our date. He keeps his distance its almost like he doesn't want to be seen talking to me. He sent me an email that he is going thru some emotional issues so that's why he doesn't feel like talking much. But if you don't feel like talking much, would you still go to a social event or stay at home?
The way he treats me makes me feel bad and we haven't even played together yet. I cant put myself spending time with him private and playing only for him to ignore me in public. So I think I will be calling a day before it has started.
I met a friend this weekend we were talking about boys. During this conversation we started talking about when did men started treating women so badly - ignored phone calls, text messages and emails, blanking us in public if they felt like it. I realised that when you accept a man treating badly , you say to them its ok to do this to you. On the whole The Boy has treated me badly from day one and I let him I have let him ignore my emails and text messages and phone calls and then welcomed him back into my life despite this treatment. Its not something that sits well with me at all. So from now on it will be nice boys only.
PS: The Boy and The Ex are the same person
This partly due The boy who fucked me in my double bed and then leave the room to go and sleep on my sofa bed. He never liked to cuddle so he didn't cuddle me after sex. I often wonder why he didn't just go find a fat black girl/ prosistute to fuck. PS : I'm not a prosistute but normally if you want to have sex with limited emotional or physical connection that's the place to go. But I realised he is an emotional sadist. I believe he gets off from hurting me emotionally. If he was on Fetlife under his fetishes emotional sadist would be one of them. He probably is on there pretending to be six feet tall and with a ten inch penis. I am not interested in searching thru profiles to find him. He emailed me to wish me Happy Birthday so I guess that progress. He has now set up email using his father name. I don't know why. The sad fact that is this little game has been going on since 2008.
I was hanging out with someone privately recently after s&m play and ended up staying the night. He must I thought I was odd I didn't try to cuddle him in case he rejected me. I didn't even try to do a footsie play in the morning which almost always leads to sexual play.Although we went to bed in the early hours I left his home at 7.30 am to go home under the guise that I was meeting a friend that afternoon. I was meeting a friend but I could of stayed but I was scared too. I wasn't scared of him I guess I was scared of getting to close to someone or hearing the words I have a really busy day a head of me so can you leave. But I did start to realise how controlled I am by fear of rejection that these little knock backs from other guys have made to scared to initiate anything in bed. But I did realise that if I calm down and take deep breathe I am able to breathe normally when staying at a guy house and get rid of the feeling that I am suffocating.
I have been having a little fun going to events and munches . I really like socialising and meeting people. I really like that is always some munch or event to go on the bdsm scene.
The last man I met on the scene and was seriously considering was A. He has nipple rings and accent and looks a bit like Mark Strong. Intially when we met we chatted in a group with my friends but then we ended just chatting together But when I decided to talk to other people. He stood nearby almost like a guard and watching me it felt a bit awkward as I like to talk to a lot of people He then offered me a bite of his cupcake and I bit it almost in a submissive way as I had no choice. He says he wants to submit but he is very dominant on the outside.
On fetlife he has some really sexy pictures of himself dressed up in a women's clothing which made me want to play with him. We have been for drinks we chatted and for most of the date he seemed incapable of keeping his hands to himself. But its really weird we have seen each other on the scene since our date. He keeps his distance its almost like he doesn't want to be seen talking to me. He sent me an email that he is going thru some emotional issues so that's why he doesn't feel like talking much. But if you don't feel like talking much, would you still go to a social event or stay at home?
The way he treats me makes me feel bad and we haven't even played together yet. I cant put myself spending time with him private and playing only for him to ignore me in public. So I think I will be calling a day before it has started.
I met a friend this weekend we were talking about boys. During this conversation we started talking about when did men started treating women so badly - ignored phone calls, text messages and emails, blanking us in public if they felt like it. I realised that when you accept a man treating badly , you say to them its ok to do this to you. On the whole The Boy has treated me badly from day one and I let him I have let him ignore my emails and text messages and phone calls and then welcomed him back into my life despite this treatment. Its not something that sits well with me at all. So from now on it will be nice boys only.
PS: The Boy and The Ex are the same person
No comments:
Post a Comment