There are two sides to every story

I have been think about how I represent the people I talk about on my blog. I can only write my version of events. But there are two sides to every story . I am really not sure how they would react to my version events. They could strongly disagree or maybe they would agree with my point of view. But I think as a blogger you can only write from your own perspective of a situation.


I have decided to stop drinking so much . I haven't had any really  bad experiences. In fact drinking can be a lot of fun. I will always be a drinker. Even thou hangovers suck.

I am just thinking its best I start sticking to a limit of two alcohol drink followed by a soft drink and so on.  I would feel awful if something happened to me because I was drunk. My memory becomes a bit patchy   So far I have only fell asleep on bus and ended up fair distance from home. But thankfully I knew the bus driver so he drove me back towards home on the out of service bus. Last night I was put in a cab after going out the s&m scene. I actually thought this morning that I had left my coat at the bar as I have no memory of putting on. But my coat was on my bedroom floor.  I know these only little tiny things that everyone does from time to time. But my guts tells its a warning and I need stop getting so drunk when on a night out.


I decided to forgive  the Dungeon Dragon ( Please see post:  Revert back to type ) I don't think he actually meant to hurt my feelings. I don't he is that type of person. I think he just going thru his own issues.  I think the experience was a wake up call. It reminded me not to get to wrapped in playing with play partners. I think I enjoy the mental escape of playing. But I need to remember there is more to life than play.


I'm not sure what to do about  A (Please see previous post  - Some how I became a little a shy in bed. )  I saw him last night he was dressed as a woman. It was  a bit unexpected. But he looked hot. I know that I really want to play with him. But I know he is very likely to going back to being stand offish again and it will hurt my feelings. But maybe it will be okay as it wont be unexpected. I think maybe if I mentally prepare myself it might be okay. I'm going to email him this weekend about how I feel. I will probably make my decision from his response. PS:  I am a bit worried that if my friend hadn't spotted him. He might not of said Hello to me. We did hang out for  a bit and I think I felt his bare butt and I had my arm around his waist. It felt nice to be physically close to him. 

S&M scene, Sex and a little bit smug

I am ultimately feeling good and I am taking the knock back on the chin. Life is good things could be a lot worse. I have my health and strength and friends and family that love me.

I will have to see the Dungeon Dragon at event later this week and honestly I don't  even know if I really care anymore. I tend to get upset and then rebound  from being  upset and find a way to explain to myself  that its really not that bad and things could be a lot  worse.

I don't know if I am really having a good time on the scene anymore. I need to keep an eye on this.

 Its quite de javu ish ( I made up a word lol) . You go to same places and see the same people a lot of the time which is really nice most of the time. You feel like you are part of movement or something .  You say hello to a few  that you know. But when it goes wrong and you have to see that person again and again that can kind of suck.

 I had a weird experience on Friday night  at S&M club. I ended up spanking the same guy twice during the course of the night. He bought me a drink and then he was like you don't have to stick around so I didn't. I just had this odd picture in my head -  young lady you  will spank for alcohol and you like anonymity of it all.


 I do quite like spanking strangers and maybe that whats I should be doing - very little private play if any at all, reading s&m books and spanking strangers in s&m clubs. I don't really like to be close to people.  I find it  too painful if things go tits up which they tend to do as that's my character.

 I am just the type of person who needs to see fresh faces and fresh places  from time to time. I also like being alone as well, I think I have been missing out on  my alone time which helps me build a strength  of character .

In other news I found I have to have a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy to find out why I have been having pain during the sex. This isn't great news but hopefully at the end of it I might be able to resume some kind of normal sex life if the procedure is successful. The worse result will be they cant find anything and I will have to  consider taking painkillers before sex.

It would be nice to have sex again although in my current state I think I have almost started to put my pussy on pedestal and even considering  saving sex for someone I love. The last couple of people I have been involved with I haven't fucked. So went it goes tits up. I feel quite smug that they didn't get to fuck me.

 But as I can be so difficult to be with and I pick the wrong men.  Will I even  find someone I love ?

.

Maggie Thatcher

I wasn't sure I should write about this as my blog isn't particularly political. I just remember being inspired as a child that the country I lived in had a female prime  minster. I felt my potential wasn't limited by being a woman. It sparked my interest in politics . As I have grown older I have realised Margaret Thatcher made a lot of decisions that have caused people to really hate her. But when you are young you don't always see the full picture. 

Revert back to type

I hate to be a crybaby running to my blog to write about everything that upsets me.

But  I am upset so I guess I should talk about it.

I have a new nickname for a boy  he is will be called the Dungeon Dragon. This is partly inspired by my  love of Nicki Minaj ( her body is bangin)  and the fact he has a Dungeon. I think still think I'm to sensitive to be involved with anyone anymore. Its sad that at 31 I may incapable of  close relationship with a man.

I will tell you what is upsetting me. We hung out last Friday I spent the night. I did not fuck him. I felt like I was suffocating in his bed. So as soon as it was daylight I made my excuses and left before he chucked me out or told me he had a busy weekend planned.  I spent the weekend feeling  quite  sick from a cold. Monday I text him to say something a long the lines I really had  fun lets see if we can do again this  month I sent him my availability  this month and then a few days for next month just in case he was already booked up. I explained the days of the week  I like to meet and apologised for leaving so early after spending the night and explained it was pre emptive  strike on my part but I should of realised that he wasn't like that. I got a response with an hour , but I was asleep by then. He said he would contact me tomorrow to confirm. Tomorrow came and went no response. It got to Friday I stlll  hadn't heard anything but by Friday I wasn't available on some of the days I had mentioned so I sent him a message to say I am no longer available on these days. He apologised and said he would get back to me asap. At this point asap hasn't arrived.

  However in the meantime He has found time to put updates on  Facebook and Twitter. So he cant be that interested in meeting up again. It has hurt my feelings so I have unfollowed him on Twitter and Facebook This more a coping strategy for me than being about him. Its almost like see no evil, hear no evil speak no evil..I feel foolish that I actually took him seriously. I don't even know if I want to see him again, but as we have mutual friends it maybe difficult to completely disengage. I am not even sure if this overreaction on my part. But I promised myself  I was going to read the signs and follow my instincts my instincts say it maybe a good idea to withdraw and become distant and revert back to type.  Limited chat and more play. I don't want to become close to him anymore. I don't think its possible to put on a  face and pretend everything is ok when someone has hurt your feelings.

But its not all bad I have a full blown crush on a guy. He isn't  really interested and couldn't even remember my name and mistook me for someone else. But its good news as after The Ex I never imagined that I could feel passionate about someone again and; that I would ever have a full blown  crush on someone again. Its not the kind of crush where I want to marry him and have his babies. Its more the type of crush where I want him to tie me up and fuck me hard. He doesn't even to speak to me afterwards it could be a one off thing. Its more a scratching that itch type of thing.

In other news The Ex email address has been hacked and a  spam email  has been sent. I could see all his contacts. There were lots of girls with very sexy sounding email addresses. I think I need to accept that there are lots of girls in his life and he has probably being telling them the  same story that he told me. There are too many other girls in his life for him to focus on one girl.

Playtime is Over

This week I decided to stop seeing a play partner. It was not  an easy decision.

 I met him at Kink Bar. He was in his late 40's.  He seemed to adore me. It was very  flattering. My friend thought he was odd But we arranged to go for a drink after exchanging a few emails on Fetlife. In conversation we discovered we had a similar outlooks on life and were in similar places. He wanted to experience the things I wanted to try.

So we arranged our first  session. I ended up being quite late. I got assigned a job far from home. I told him I was running late. He kept texting me how long it was going to be.I told him I didnt know. I eventually go home and grabbed my pre packed play bag. I ended up grabbing a takeaway to eat at his as he had veg curry and brown rice to eat. That day I could not  face eating  veg curry and brown rice . I text him I was on my way  this announcement caused him to send me a flurry of text a bit like excitable puppy jumping up and down. I got there. I was tired and hungry. But I didn't cancel as I read somewhere it was very bad manners to cancel a play session.

His house was cold and  smelt a bit damp. We chatted for a while I scoffed my takeaway. I then got changed. We played he worshipped my boots , I spanked him, whipped , blindfolded him. I put sweets in his mouth, I stroked him. I think you get the picture. He said Yes Mistress a lot during play but mostly silent. Afterwards he said he didn't speak much saying he was in a sub space. He asked me if I wanted to stay the night .  I responded I did not want to. I didn't want to lead him on and make him think there was anything more than play going on. He texted me and said he had a wonderful time and hope to see me again.
I asked if him  if there anything he really didn't enjoy during the session. I just needed some feedback so I could plan a further session. His response was he loved everything.  I found  it hard to believe that. But I had to accept it. I spoke to a friend who is a Domme. She said perhaps he was afraid to say anything in case  I stopped playing with him.


We play twice more after our first session but the same result. He loved everything and I just started to feel I wasn't learning anything from playing with. He did suggest scat but after considering it I decided it was not for me. Scat wasn't for me the smell and I think some ideas are better in theory than in  practise.

After my third session I started to wonder what was I getting out of  this. I started to wonder if I should end this. I didn't like the smell of his house and it was cold. He wasn't giving any type of feedback.  I have other things that I should be focused on - Uni,friends, socialising, having fun.

So I didn't text him for a month. He then text  me -  When are you coming to see me, My ass is twitching. 
I text back  I don't know , maybe.
He responded  OK I'll say bye then.
I responded. OK

I felt bad we had got on pretty well out of play and in conversation. But during play I found it frustrating I could not get anything from him and I wasn't learning anything.  In the morning I text him again just really try and get some feedback.  This time He opened up. He said several things, He felt like my some of  my visits were rushed, he felt embarrassed a lot of the time and didn't know what to say so said nothing, He didn't trust me. The play felt  formal and there was not much laughter.  I didn't  feminise as we had talked about.

Its not nice to hear some of the above especially as I know some of its  true. There was one particular play session that was late at night so it was a bit short about 1 hour and 30 minutes. But I had  a lot on my plate and I was trying to do too much. So rather than cancel  I went and spent less time than usual.  But at least I know he noticed. It did feel a little formal but that partly in reaction to him. He was so quiet which made me  act more formal and  mistress like in response to his behavior. I had  forget we had talked about feminization it just slipped my mind. 

I guess I can take some of  his feedback on board and be a better mistress in future. But submissives  have to give feedback and remind Mistresses if necessary. Mistresses cant improve the play and give them a submissive  what they want  if the submissive isn't communicating.

Good News on the job front - kind of

I have been offered a job, but I don't think I am going to take it. It looks like it going to clash with University.
 University  is my priority.

If the company  had made it clear in the job advert that it would not be regular office hours  and you would have to work on a rota system. I would not of applied but they did not  make it clear in personal specification or job description.

But this is still good news as I had started to think that I was incapable of getting another job. The improved job interview technique is due to a friend who took time out to schedule to help me practise interview skills. It’s good to have friends that help you. I feel more confident about interviews now so hopefully it won’t be long till I find something else that is more suitable. 

Some how I became a little a shy in bed.

I am finding it hard to know where to start. I have to assume that I have been left damaged from past experiences with men. I find it hard to open up and  even be affectionate. I do not intiate cuddling for fear of rejection and I dont intiate sex/sex play  for the same reason. I start feel very hot and almost like I cant breathe  and almost suffocating when staying the night at a guy's home. I dont sleep very well at all.  If I have to stay the night although I try not to.  I make sure I leave as soon as the buses are running a regular service. . One morning  I was almost herded out someone house  just before 7am  this didnt feel great.. I dont want to be made to feel unwelcomed in a guy house especially when I have my own place

This partly due  The boy who fucked  me in my double bed and then leave the room to go and  sleep on my sofa bed. He never liked to cuddle so he didn't cuddle me after sex. I often wonder why he didn't  just go find a fat black  girl/ prosistute to fuck. PS : I'm not a prosistute but normally  if you want to have sex with limited emotional or physical connection that's the place to go. But I realised he is an emotional sadist. I believe he gets off from hurting me emotionally.  If he was on Fetlife  under his fetishes emotional sadist would be one of them. He probably is on there pretending to be six feet tall and with a ten inch penis. I am not interested in searching thru profiles to find him. He  emailed me to wish me  Happy Birthday so I guess that progress. He has now set up email using his father name. I don't know why. The sad  fact that is  this little game has been going on since 2008.

I was hanging out with someone privately recently after s&m play and ended up staying the night. He must I thought I was odd  I didn't try to cuddle him in case he rejected me. I didn't even try to do a footsie play in the morning which almost always leads to sexual play.Although we went to bed in the early hours  I left his home at 7.30 am to go home under the guise that I was meeting a friend that afternoon. I was meeting a friend but I could of stayed but I was scared too. I wasn't scared of him I guess I was scared of getting to close to someone or hearing  the words I have a really busy day a head of me so can you leave.  But I did start to realise how controlled I am by fear of rejection that these little knock backs from other guys have made to scared to initiate anything in bed. But I did  realise that if I calm down and take deep breathe I am able to breathe normally when staying at a guy house and get rid of the feeling that I am suffocating.

I have been having a little fun going to events and munches .  I really like socialising and meeting people. I really like that is always some munch or event to go on the bdsm scene.


The last man I met on the scene and was seriously considering was A. He has nipple rings and accent and looks a bit like Mark Strong. Intially when we met we chatted in a group with my friends but then we ended just chatting together But when I decided to talk to other people. He stood nearby almost like a guard and  watching me it felt a bit awkward as I like to talk to a lot of people  He then offered me a bite of his cupcake and I bit it  almost in a submissive way as I had no choice. He says he wants to submit  but he is very dominant on the outside.


On fetlife he has some really sexy pictures of himself  dressed up in a women's clothing  which made me want to play with him.  We have been for  drinks  we chatted  and for most of the date he seemed incapable of keeping his hands to himself. But its really weird we have seen each other on the scene since our date. He keeps his distance its almost like he doesn't want  to be seen talking to me. He sent me an email  that he is going thru some emotional issues so that's why he doesn't feel like talking much. But if you don't feel like talking much, would you still go to a social event or stay at home?

The way he treats me makes me feel bad and we haven't even played together yet. I cant put myself spending time with him private and playing only for him to ignore me in public.  So I think I will be calling a day before it has started.

I met a friend this weekend we were talking about boys. During this conversation we started talking about when did men started treating women so badly - ignored phone calls, text messages and emails, blanking  us in public if they felt like it. I realised that when you accept a man treating badly , you say to them its ok to do this to you. On the whole The Boy has treated me badly from day one and I let him  I have let him ignore my emails and text messages and phone calls and then welcomed him back into my life despite this treatment. Its not something that sits well with me at all. So from now on it will be nice boys only.

PS: The Boy and The Ex are the same person