Got myself into a little tizz

I found out my friend hadn't  betrayed me. It was all a big misunderstanding. I think our friendship is stronger for this little hiccup. I tend to get myself into a tizz about a situation for a few days. After thinking about the situation I decide that it doesn't even really matter and its not worth being upset about.

My emotions go from one extreme to the other. I care intensely then I don't give a shit. I don't know if that normal.

My self imposed exile from the scene means that I need to use Fetlife  to meet potential partners. I'm not sure yet if this is a bad thing. I have started a  little thing with a long distance sub.  I am meeting a potential sub for a drink  this week. I also had several hours of my life wasted by fetlife time waster. 

A has been sniffing around. I'm not sure  if he wants to play again. It would probably  make sense to ask him if he does. I have missed him a little.

I am feeling a lot better emotionally. I am taking myself off to a country spa later this week to get some well earned me time and pampering. 

Harder Better Faster Stronger

Sometimes this blog feel like my own true friend who will never betray me.

A is still M.I.A. I found out why the Dungeon Dragon is no longer interested, one of my good friends and the dragon have decided to try out some stuff. He says he is afraid if he plays with the both us. Her feelings will be hurt. I feel betrayed by the friend, because she didn't even give me a ahead up. I would never treat her in the same manner that she has treated me. .Its unlikely  when and if they do finish up I will want her sloppy seconds. I feel foolish to fight over a man. But I need cooling off time from her. I'm actually reconsidering the friendship. I haven't been feeling great recently and this has pushed me further into a melancholy  mood. 


I wasn't going out on the scene. I haven't been feeling great about being Mistress. Everyone I play with seems to fall by the waste side. My self esteem as Mistress is in the gutter and this little incident has made me feel worse. I tried to make myself feel better by drinking a bottle of wine and a few slips of vodka and  dancing to hip hop in my underwear, bunny ears and sunglasses. I did feel a little better.

I am to afraid to go out on the scene and  see the friend and the Dungeon Dragon in the same room. I like to drink and sometimes I forget what I say. I feel like I have the drunken potential to flirt with the friend ex  just to get even. It wouldn't be nice thing to do her.


I'm very sad these days and I'm not sure why. Its not all the time. I don't have a particular reason. I'm not very happy with my body.  I am starting to settle into my new job.  I start studying Psychology in September which I am looking forward to . I don't have a particular to be sad.

I feel sad and I want to be alone most of the time. I feel this will help me  feel better. I need to work on my relationship with myself. This little incident has spurred me on to work on getting fit and reading more about the scene and other books so that when I eventually return I will be harder better faster stronger

Misery doesnt love company

Im not in a great mood. I had a bad day at my new job and im not sure if its right place for me. It may not be. I dont want to throw in the towel so quickly. I will be ok, I think I just wrote I will be okay as Im trying to convince myself.

A isnt responding to my text message. Plus I decided to text the Dungeon Dragon just to be sure that  I did get the polite brush off a few months ago. Now I am sure of it.

So Im Mistress with no sub and two Doms. I suppose I have to declare myself switch.

I did recently decide to take a three month break from socialising on the scene. I wanted to read more about S&M and become a better mistress for my next sub.In fact the time is also going to be  spent trying to become a better person.


I feel miserable at the moment - no sex life , fat, spotty, tired. I know things will mellow in a few days.  I just need to put on my resilent shell. I need to find some strenght to go on.

Since we last spoke

 A lot has happened since I last updated my blog. I got a new job, I had my operation,  I think I might like A a bit, I indulged in my submissive side a bit more and I put on a few pounds from lack of exercising after my op. These things didn't happen in that order.

I think I like A abit which is a bit weird as that wasn't really suppose to happen. I'm not sure if its like or just feel comfortable in his presence. He makes me laugh a bit. I find his urge to be exhibitionist excites me. All the other boys are so boring. The last time we hung out we drank white spritzers and he let me try on his high heeled pink shoes which I could barely walk in. All I can say it works right now and  I am happy. Although I am not the type of girl to put all my eggs in on basket.

A few days later I explored my submissive side with someone I met at the Camden Crunch. It was fun. It involved restraints  canes, floggers, whips and a pin wheel. I am not really a subbie girl. But I do get off on letting someone punish me from time to time.

I have managed to get a new job. It was a shock but I am glad that things have worked out. The hours work well with Uni.

I had  two procedures to see if they could find out why I am getting pain during sex and bleeding after sex .  Unfortunately they didn't   find a an exact reason for my pain. But  they have seen some possible issues so it will be looked into over the next couple of months which is good news.

Since my operation I have been recovering at home. I have had a lot of time to think and sort out somethings in my head . I feel really focused now to achieve the things I want out of life.  I also developed an addiction to Cake mania in my Nintendo ds and eating out of boredom.  I have put on a few pounds which has affected my body confidence and makes me want to delay seeing A for as long as possible. I'm even dreading putting on my fetish gear to go and party next  week as I wont feel that sexy.  I know once I start exercising  I will lose the weight. But in the mean time I have to live with it.

I am the chairman of the bored

I haven't blogged for a while. I haven't felt like I had much to say.

I went to Antichrist even thou I had a 10 am Saturday class the next day. I managed to attract a guy I had met before. I thought he was cute when we first met.  But he was with his missus that night . So I stayed away.  But this time he was alone.

  I had a few drinks (typical)   we got talking and then snogging and ended up in the couples room which was a place I never thought I would find myself in. He went down on me I cant remember if it was any good.  But  I do remember sitting up during oral sex and saying to him. I really have to go home now, I have Uni in the morning. But we have stayed in touch so maybe I will get to find out when I am more sober

I played with A and it was really fun. I just find him so  weird and interesting . He seems to like drama thou which scares me a bit. He has told me if his ex sees us together at event snogging. She will approach me  and ask questions.

I'm a lovely girl but if I had a few drinks  I am really not sure how I will react. My friend says my only response should be to tell her to ask A. I'm also not sure if I am just a pawn in A's game to make his ex jealous. He has told the next time he sees me he wants to grope, kiss, bite me etc all with in full sight of others and possibly his ex. I think this is asking for trouble. So think I will aim to guide him to somewhere more private if we get intimate.


I really think I am getting the brush off from the Dungeon Dragon. We were suppose to meet today. But he cancelled yesterday afternoon.  I am just not sure I am his type right now at this moment. I don't even think he really  fancies me.  Its not that I don't think I am attractive. I just think compared to his ex I am a completely different body type and skin colour. I think he requires a level of intimacy that I cant give him. I feel a need to let it quietly die between us. But hopefully we can remain friends.  Although I am not entirely bothered  by being brushed off the Dungeon Dragon as there are plenty more fish in the sea.

I have received my letter from the Hospital they will be carrying out two procedures  later this month to see if they can locate why I am finding intercourse so painful. I am a bit scared. But hopefully  I will get some answers and hopefully be on the way to resuming a normal sex life. After these procedures I will need to abstain from sexual activity for a month.  : (

I haven't heard from the ex/the boy for a few months now. He normally disappears in the Summer. But at the moment I am having far to much fun to ever consider getting back with him. The more time passes the less I think of him.

There are two sides to every story

I have been think about how I represent the people I talk about on my blog. I can only write my version of events. But there are two sides to every story . I am really not sure how they would react to my version events. They could strongly disagree or maybe they would agree with my point of view. But I think as a blogger you can only write from your own perspective of a situation.


I have decided to stop drinking so much . I haven't had any really  bad experiences. In fact drinking can be a lot of fun. I will always be a drinker. Even thou hangovers suck.

I am just thinking its best I start sticking to a limit of two alcohol drink followed by a soft drink and so on.  I would feel awful if something happened to me because I was drunk. My memory becomes a bit patchy   So far I have only fell asleep on bus and ended up fair distance from home. But thankfully I knew the bus driver so he drove me back towards home on the out of service bus. Last night I was put in a cab after going out the s&m scene. I actually thought this morning that I had left my coat at the bar as I have no memory of putting on. But my coat was on my bedroom floor.  I know these only little tiny things that everyone does from time to time. But my guts tells its a warning and I need stop getting so drunk when on a night out.


I decided to forgive  the Dungeon Dragon ( Please see post:  Revert back to type ) I don't think he actually meant to hurt my feelings. I don't he is that type of person. I think he just going thru his own issues.  I think the experience was a wake up call. It reminded me not to get to wrapped in playing with play partners. I think I enjoy the mental escape of playing. But I need to remember there is more to life than play.


I'm not sure what to do about  A (Please see previous post  - Some how I became a little a shy in bed. )  I saw him last night he was dressed as a woman. It was  a bit unexpected. But he looked hot. I know that I really want to play with him. But I know he is very likely to going back to being stand offish again and it will hurt my feelings. But maybe it will be okay as it wont be unexpected. I think maybe if I mentally prepare myself it might be okay. I'm going to email him this weekend about how I feel. I will probably make my decision from his response. PS:  I am a bit worried that if my friend hadn't spotted him. He might not of said Hello to me. We did hang out for  a bit and I think I felt his bare butt and I had my arm around his waist. It felt nice to be physically close to him. 

S&M scene, Sex and a little bit smug

I am ultimately feeling good and I am taking the knock back on the chin. Life is good things could be a lot worse. I have my health and strength and friends and family that love me.

I will have to see the Dungeon Dragon at event later this week and honestly I don't  even know if I really care anymore. I tend to get upset and then rebound  from being  upset and find a way to explain to myself  that its really not that bad and things could be a lot  worse.

I don't know if I am really having a good time on the scene anymore. I need to keep an eye on this.

 Its quite de javu ish ( I made up a word lol) . You go to same places and see the same people a lot of the time which is really nice most of the time. You feel like you are part of movement or something .  You say hello to a few  that you know. But when it goes wrong and you have to see that person again and again that can kind of suck.

 I had a weird experience on Friday night  at S&M club. I ended up spanking the same guy twice during the course of the night. He bought me a drink and then he was like you don't have to stick around so I didn't. I just had this odd picture in my head -  young lady you  will spank for alcohol and you like anonymity of it all.


 I do quite like spanking strangers and maybe that whats I should be doing - very little private play if any at all, reading s&m books and spanking strangers in s&m clubs. I don't really like to be close to people.  I find it  too painful if things go tits up which they tend to do as that's my character.

 I am just the type of person who needs to see fresh faces and fresh places  from time to time. I also like being alone as well, I think I have been missing out on  my alone time which helps me build a strength  of character .

In other news I found I have to have a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy to find out why I have been having pain during the sex. This isn't great news but hopefully at the end of it I might be able to resume some kind of normal sex life if the procedure is successful. The worse result will be they cant find anything and I will have to  consider taking painkillers before sex.

It would be nice to have sex again although in my current state I think I have almost started to put my pussy on pedestal and even considering  saving sex for someone I love. The last couple of people I have been involved with I haven't fucked. So went it goes tits up. I feel quite smug that they didn't get to fuck me.

 But as I can be so difficult to be with and I pick the wrong men.  Will I even  find someone I love ?

.

Maggie Thatcher

I wasn't sure I should write about this as my blog isn't particularly political. I just remember being inspired as a child that the country I lived in had a female prime  minster. I felt my potential wasn't limited by being a woman. It sparked my interest in politics . As I have grown older I have realised Margaret Thatcher made a lot of decisions that have caused people to really hate her. But when you are young you don't always see the full picture. 

Revert back to type

I hate to be a crybaby running to my blog to write about everything that upsets me.

But  I am upset so I guess I should talk about it.

I have a new nickname for a boy  he is will be called the Dungeon Dragon. This is partly inspired by my  love of Nicki Minaj ( her body is bangin)  and the fact he has a Dungeon. I think still think I'm to sensitive to be involved with anyone anymore. Its sad that at 31 I may incapable of  close relationship with a man.

I will tell you what is upsetting me. We hung out last Friday I spent the night. I did not fuck him. I felt like I was suffocating in his bed. So as soon as it was daylight I made my excuses and left before he chucked me out or told me he had a busy weekend planned.  I spent the weekend feeling  quite  sick from a cold. Monday I text him to say something a long the lines I really had  fun lets see if we can do again this  month I sent him my availability  this month and then a few days for next month just in case he was already booked up. I explained the days of the week  I like to meet and apologised for leaving so early after spending the night and explained it was pre emptive  strike on my part but I should of realised that he wasn't like that. I got a response with an hour , but I was asleep by then. He said he would contact me tomorrow to confirm. Tomorrow came and went no response. It got to Friday I stlll  hadn't heard anything but by Friday I wasn't available on some of the days I had mentioned so I sent him a message to say I am no longer available on these days. He apologised and said he would get back to me asap. At this point asap hasn't arrived.

  However in the meantime He has found time to put updates on  Facebook and Twitter. So he cant be that interested in meeting up again. It has hurt my feelings so I have unfollowed him on Twitter and Facebook This more a coping strategy for me than being about him. Its almost like see no evil, hear no evil speak no evil..I feel foolish that I actually took him seriously. I don't even know if I want to see him again, but as we have mutual friends it maybe difficult to completely disengage. I am not even sure if this overreaction on my part. But I promised myself  I was going to read the signs and follow my instincts my instincts say it maybe a good idea to withdraw and become distant and revert back to type.  Limited chat and more play. I don't want to become close to him anymore. I don't think its possible to put on a  face and pretend everything is ok when someone has hurt your feelings.

But its not all bad I have a full blown crush on a guy. He isn't  really interested and couldn't even remember my name and mistook me for someone else. But its good news as after The Ex I never imagined that I could feel passionate about someone again and; that I would ever have a full blown  crush on someone again. Its not the kind of crush where I want to marry him and have his babies. Its more the type of crush where I want him to tie me up and fuck me hard. He doesn't even to speak to me afterwards it could be a one off thing. Its more a scratching that itch type of thing.

In other news The Ex email address has been hacked and a  spam email  has been sent. I could see all his contacts. There were lots of girls with very sexy sounding email addresses. I think I need to accept that there are lots of girls in his life and he has probably being telling them the  same story that he told me. There are too many other girls in his life for him to focus on one girl.

Playtime is Over

This week I decided to stop seeing a play partner. It was not  an easy decision.

 I met him at Kink Bar. He was in his late 40's.  He seemed to adore me. It was very  flattering. My friend thought he was odd But we arranged to go for a drink after exchanging a few emails on Fetlife. In conversation we discovered we had a similar outlooks on life and were in similar places. He wanted to experience the things I wanted to try.

So we arranged our first  session. I ended up being quite late. I got assigned a job far from home. I told him I was running late. He kept texting me how long it was going to be.I told him I didnt know. I eventually go home and grabbed my pre packed play bag. I ended up grabbing a takeaway to eat at his as he had veg curry and brown rice to eat. That day I could not  face eating  veg curry and brown rice . I text him I was on my way  this announcement caused him to send me a flurry of text a bit like excitable puppy jumping up and down. I got there. I was tired and hungry. But I didn't cancel as I read somewhere it was very bad manners to cancel a play session.

His house was cold and  smelt a bit damp. We chatted for a while I scoffed my takeaway. I then got changed. We played he worshipped my boots , I spanked him, whipped , blindfolded him. I put sweets in his mouth, I stroked him. I think you get the picture. He said Yes Mistress a lot during play but mostly silent. Afterwards he said he didn't speak much saying he was in a sub space. He asked me if I wanted to stay the night .  I responded I did not want to. I didn't want to lead him on and make him think there was anything more than play going on. He texted me and said he had a wonderful time and hope to see me again.
I asked if him  if there anything he really didn't enjoy during the session. I just needed some feedback so I could plan a further session. His response was he loved everything.  I found  it hard to believe that. But I had to accept it. I spoke to a friend who is a Domme. She said perhaps he was afraid to say anything in case  I stopped playing with him.


We play twice more after our first session but the same result. He loved everything and I just started to feel I wasn't learning anything from playing with. He did suggest scat but after considering it I decided it was not for me. Scat wasn't for me the smell and I think some ideas are better in theory than in  practise.

After my third session I started to wonder what was I getting out of  this. I started to wonder if I should end this. I didn't like the smell of his house and it was cold. He wasn't giving any type of feedback.  I have other things that I should be focused on - Uni,friends, socialising, having fun.

So I didn't text him for a month. He then text  me -  When are you coming to see me, My ass is twitching. 
I text back  I don't know , maybe.
He responded  OK I'll say bye then.
I responded. OK

I felt bad we had got on pretty well out of play and in conversation. But during play I found it frustrating I could not get anything from him and I wasn't learning anything.  In the morning I text him again just really try and get some feedback.  This time He opened up. He said several things, He felt like my some of  my visits were rushed, he felt embarrassed a lot of the time and didn't know what to say so said nothing, He didn't trust me. The play felt  formal and there was not much laughter.  I didn't  feminise as we had talked about.

Its not nice to hear some of the above especially as I know some of its  true. There was one particular play session that was late at night so it was a bit short about 1 hour and 30 minutes. But I had  a lot on my plate and I was trying to do too much. So rather than cancel  I went and spent less time than usual.  But at least I know he noticed. It did feel a little formal but that partly in reaction to him. He was so quiet which made me  act more formal and  mistress like in response to his behavior. I had  forget we had talked about feminization it just slipped my mind. 

I guess I can take some of  his feedback on board and be a better mistress in future. But submissives  have to give feedback and remind Mistresses if necessary. Mistresses cant improve the play and give them a submissive  what they want  if the submissive isn't communicating.

Good News on the job front - kind of

I have been offered a job, but I don't think I am going to take it. It looks like it going to clash with University.
 University  is my priority.

If the company  had made it clear in the job advert that it would not be regular office hours  and you would have to work on a rota system. I would not of applied but they did not  make it clear in personal specification or job description.

But this is still good news as I had started to think that I was incapable of getting another job. The improved job interview technique is due to a friend who took time out to schedule to help me practise interview skills. It’s good to have friends that help you. I feel more confident about interviews now so hopefully it won’t be long till I find something else that is more suitable. 

Some how I became a little a shy in bed.

I am finding it hard to know where to start. I have to assume that I have been left damaged from past experiences with men. I find it hard to open up and  even be affectionate. I do not intiate cuddling for fear of rejection and I dont intiate sex/sex play  for the same reason. I start feel very hot and almost like I cant breathe  and almost suffocating when staying the night at a guy's home. I dont sleep very well at all.  If I have to stay the night although I try not to.  I make sure I leave as soon as the buses are running a regular service. . One morning  I was almost herded out someone house  just before 7am  this didnt feel great.. I dont want to be made to feel unwelcomed in a guy house especially when I have my own place

This partly due  The boy who fucked  me in my double bed and then leave the room to go and  sleep on my sofa bed. He never liked to cuddle so he didn't cuddle me after sex. I often wonder why he didn't  just go find a fat black  girl/ prosistute to fuck. PS : I'm not a prosistute but normally  if you want to have sex with limited emotional or physical connection that's the place to go. But I realised he is an emotional sadist. I believe he gets off from hurting me emotionally.  If he was on Fetlife  under his fetishes emotional sadist would be one of them. He probably is on there pretending to be six feet tall and with a ten inch penis. I am not interested in searching thru profiles to find him. He  emailed me to wish me  Happy Birthday so I guess that progress. He has now set up email using his father name. I don't know why. The sad  fact that is  this little game has been going on since 2008.

I was hanging out with someone privately recently after s&m play and ended up staying the night. He must I thought I was odd  I didn't try to cuddle him in case he rejected me. I didn't even try to do a footsie play in the morning which almost always leads to sexual play.Although we went to bed in the early hours  I left his home at 7.30 am to go home under the guise that I was meeting a friend that afternoon. I was meeting a friend but I could of stayed but I was scared too. I wasn't scared of him I guess I was scared of getting to close to someone or hearing  the words I have a really busy day a head of me so can you leave.  But I did start to realise how controlled I am by fear of rejection that these little knock backs from other guys have made to scared to initiate anything in bed. But I did  realise that if I calm down and take deep breathe I am able to breathe normally when staying at a guy house and get rid of the feeling that I am suffocating.

I have been having a little fun going to events and munches .  I really like socialising and meeting people. I really like that is always some munch or event to go on the bdsm scene.


The last man I met on the scene and was seriously considering was A. He has nipple rings and accent and looks a bit like Mark Strong. Intially when we met we chatted in a group with my friends but then we ended just chatting together But when I decided to talk to other people. He stood nearby almost like a guard and  watching me it felt a bit awkward as I like to talk to a lot of people  He then offered me a bite of his cupcake and I bit it  almost in a submissive way as I had no choice. He says he wants to submit  but he is very dominant on the outside.


On fetlife he has some really sexy pictures of himself  dressed up in a women's clothing  which made me want to play with him.  We have been for  drinks  we chatted  and for most of the date he seemed incapable of keeping his hands to himself. But its really weird we have seen each other on the scene since our date. He keeps his distance its almost like he doesn't want  to be seen talking to me. He sent me an email  that he is going thru some emotional issues so that's why he doesn't feel like talking much. But if you don't feel like talking much, would you still go to a social event or stay at home?

The way he treats me makes me feel bad and we haven't even played together yet. I cant put myself spending time with him private and playing only for him to ignore me in public.  So I think I will be calling a day before it has started.

I met a friend this weekend we were talking about boys. During this conversation we started talking about when did men started treating women so badly - ignored phone calls, text messages and emails, blanking  us in public if they felt like it. I realised that when you accept a man treating badly , you say to them its ok to do this to you. On the whole The Boy has treated me badly from day one and I let him  I have let him ignore my emails and text messages and phone calls and then welcomed him back into my life despite this treatment. Its not something that sits well with me at all. So from now on it will be nice boys only.

PS: The Boy and The Ex are the same person

Im not dead

I havent blogged for a while as I have been busy. Im still temping in Mental Health  I enjoy it although its not a real job it flexiable. I am happy to be studying at Uni. I love learning and im so happy to be there. Im still indulging in bdsm scene.  I am happy doing that although I am still trying to figure out what I want out of it.  Do I want to be a good mistress as its a challenge to learn new skills and almost play a character and tease and torture a sub. BDSM has given me a taste of being in control and I like being in control. . Its not about sex for me. In fact I get off on not fucking the people I play with. Fucking someone makes me emotionally vunerable. I  like to pretend that about to give my sub a blow job and the pull away and say you havent earned it. I had something not work out with sub earlier this year so I wrote some rules to protect myself and they really work.

• No Sleepovers.
• Londoners only.
• 2-4 play sessions before ending it.
• 1 pre play drink - I need to get a sense of the sub and not be their new bbf.
• Meeting on the scene party/ munches or other location stipulated by me.
• No accomodating.

But for now I will be probably sticking to two experienced play partners and meeting new people and making friends and reading about bdsm. I dont feel overwhelming need to play privately with lots of partners.

I still feel a need to follow my other interests movies, live music, art and have long conversations with friends over dinner and wine.

The boy and I are still playing games I turn 31 next Sunday. He turned 31 last month. I wished him happy birthday. He didnt respond. I blocked him on msn messenger  for two weeks. Then  out of the blue he sent a message saying that he wanted to be with me. But it would have to be with 100% commitment and I think he almost suggested between the lines moving back in wih me . This doesnt work for me right now. I am exploring the fetish scene and I am having fun. I cant give it up for a man who wont cuddle after sex and doesnt even want to sleep in the same bed with me. So I responded We could try again maybe you spend the evening once or twice a month thats it and we could see how it goes. He hasnt really properly responded to this suggestion. I changed my msn messenger profile  pic to the famous pop art  -  Oh Jeff I love you to but ....

Its true I do love him even thou he is fucked up. He is the only man  I will ever truly love.I dont think I will ever open my heart again. I dont think I could take another failed romance.

But im not in love with him anymore. I dont know if I will ever love anyone else I have a tendency to not really be in the moment with guys I meet. I dont take anyone seriously.  Before its even  started I expect them to disappoint me somewhere along the line and not for it to last.

I decided to follow my instincts with men. Look for the signs they are almost always there and follow my instincts. This really does work I dont  chase men anymore  trying to make something happen.
I have no expectations anymore . I  am happier for it. I dont attempt to make something happen. If someone likes you they will show you.