It’s been an interesting couple of weeks. I got my heartbroken on the Monday and felt up by lesbian on the Friday. Actually felt up is an exaggeration- she put her arm around my waist in Charing Cross Rd after leaving the Candy bar. My friend who is bisexual suggested going to the Candy bar on the Friday. It was what I needed a man free zone. I was quite nervous and I kept thinking what do girls find attractive. It took me ages to figure out what to wear. I am really into new experiences I just figured it was time I stopped wondering if I was bicurious.
My sexuality has always been a bit mystery to me. When I was 13 or 14 for about 3 weeks I stopped fancying men. I was so sure of my feelings for women I seriously considered coming out. But then the feelings just went away more or less. I think they just became less strong almost mild. I felt more attracted to men so I didn’t spend much time acknowledging my attraction to women. I think it just became something that I wasn’t sure about. I wasn’t sure I was having actually having feelings. I didn’t feel like I wanted to kiss other girls or sleep with them or touch them. I liked pretty girls and I liked being in the company of women.
So anyway the Candy bar was a cool experience I definitely want to go back and explore my feelings a bit more - maybe kiss a girl and see where it leads. It was a very relaxed vibe. I felt so comfortable. I found myself being physical attracted to lots of the women at the bar. It’s made me question my sexual experiences with men. I wonder how I really feel about men. My experiences with men have always had a level of awkwardness to them. I’m now questioning whether I have been sleeping with wrong sex. I feel like i crave the experience of someone who has the same body as me, to kiss and treat me gently to touch and explore my body.
I think the bonus of a relationship with girl - no birth control, sharing clothes and accessories, makeup and someone who understands you. But I think synchronized pms/ periods and all that talking would drive me mad.
There is a part of me that thinks I’m just so hurt that I can’t bring myself to be with a man. I’m so exhausted by men and their behaviour and just trying to figure out what is going on in their heads.
Either way I have decided to take a massive time out from dating men. I want to focus on finding myself and exploring other things like girls, mediation, meeting new people, live music, and bike riding even skateboarding.
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