I slipped a little ( Relapse)

I have been analysing and thinking again about everything again. I started snooping again, its almost like I cant help myself. But I'm sure this is the last time. I wont say what I did. But it was very snoopy. Sometimes I think I should of been a private detective I am wasting my talents. I know have to stop but I am like a dog with a bone, maybe even with my DS I'm acting like a dog with a bone.I wont or cant  let go. I have to admit I could be fighting a battle I cant win that will leave me anxious, depressed and exhausted. I got my friend who I gave his number to prevent me contact him to give me his number again, I  probably wont  use I feel no urgent need to. He probably doesn't even use it anymore.
My friend  told he was poison and if I contacted him I was a glutton for punishment. Something in those words stung. It has made me think, how I need to spend my time doing positive things to help me.
I'm 29 this month and I want to spend the next 2 years learning about myself and having experiences. I have to stop myself getting into  these cycles. They are negative and not positive for my well being. I glanced at  an article in Marie Claire about female stalkers.I terrifyingly  fit the profile, but I really don't want to become a stalker. In the article there is cautionary tale about a woman who stalked and a male who was stalked. I'm hoping the article can help me get off this bad track. Its kind of hard to explain but its almost like being possessed.  All logical reasoning goes out of your head. Its not the person I want to be so I am going  to  remove all traces of him in my life. I have to focus on the positive in my life, reading , dance, socialise, exercise and do  anything to take my mind off it.

Depths of Despair

I find it strange that only when in depth despair can I get myself focused. When I am unhappy I managed to be at my most productive.

I went to the Young Vic tonight and watched a play Vernon little god. It had so much energy and was emotional in places.  The main character like had the power to save himself all along, but only when in the depth of despair did he pull himself out.

Nintendo DS Drama

I officially  hate the word  Ex like Fearne Cotton hates the word fiancee. Anyway the man I kind of consider an ex ( he lived with me for a few months)  has my pink  Nintendo DS. He was suppose to borrow it for a week initially in May 2010. The week came and I went and the DS was not  returned. In June or July I sent him a text to let him know when he could return it. I got no response. Then I confronted him in text and told him what I thought of him. I got a response but not a good one.  He needed time and space aka fuck off and leave me alone. So I did then at Xmas curiosity got the worse of me I started to unlock the door which I had closed. We spoke briefly twice and the second time he promised put the DS in the post . The DS is yet to arrive. I have left messages to try and confirm when it has been put in the post. But no confirmation yet. I know he is probably busy with all the changes in his life, but it take two minutes to confirm if you have sent  something.

I still want my DS back but I'm afraid that if I really push it , it will just put his back up and he will get angry. I think  that he thinks  I'm doing this to keep in contact with him. I'm afraid he will think I'm doing this out spite,because he met someone else and is getting married and having a baby. I know he would prefer if I just disappeared.

I question if I have the strength to keep pushing for my DS even thou I want it back. It just sometimes seems so silly to be pushing for it , but my sense of entitlement overwhelms me. There is another part of me that thinks he may lost it,broken it,  had it stolen or part exchanged it and doesn't have the guts to tell me. I'm not sure what to do now should I let go or keep pushing.. My friend says that sometimes when a relationship  ends you don't get back stuff and you have to just  deal with it. But I find it hard to let go , its just doesn't feel fair. I don't know why he would want to keep it.

Blogger for Life

I have been thinking about how long I want to blog for. I think I want to blog for as long  I can see the letter of the keyboard to type. I think it will be so interesting to look back on  blogs I write now when Im 40. It will almost  be like a diary of my life. A diary for anyone to read if they choose. Im glad hardly anyone read this I think I would crumble under the pressure of an auidence. I think I would subconciously tone it down or ramp it up. My life can be boring at times and exciting at times. I wonder if I will get myself sorted out in the end. My life is about to be focused on me first the first time. No more listening to the gospel according to family members, certain friends and the ex. I will be making my own  decision and taking less advice onboard. I feel like I am in the driving seat for the first time.

Notice Period

I realised this week I have to had my notice in at work  next month. I cant  continue in my role any longer. I cant physically cope with getting up in the morning and going to work. The shift pattern is changing to something so awful I know I cant my body and mind thru . When I think of my job it feels like staying in a bad relationship which is getting worse and worse, if  I don't leave now I never will. I'm  a bit angry  that it took me so long to get to this point that I cant get out of bed in the morning to realise that I have to leave. I cant believe it took me so long to figure out that I need to cutback and I cant have everything if I want to go to Uni in the evening . In life some time you have to suffer a little to get what you want. My cbt has told me I can get some assistance looking for work and have some psychometric testing to see what kind of work I am suited. If I want my life to start I have to make some sacrifices.

Babies , Babies , Babies

Sometimes I feel like life changes too quickly. Two of my  friends have announced they are  expecting babies and I'm really happy for them. I know our friendship will change now. I know I will never be a member of the Mummy club. I wonder if  I will regret it. I don't think I will. I get scared that I'm setting myself up for a lonely life with no babies. I know that I could never be a mother. I cant make the sacrifices of parenthood. I cant stand the sound of a  crying baby, it does something to my  soul. The sound disturbs my soul its one of the  most disturbing noises to me.  Parenthood is not for me. One of my friends is always trying to trick me into admitting that I might have a baby one day. But it will never happen. I just cant see kids in my future. When I think about my future  I see a 2 bed flat or house in Southeast London. Lots of travel and new experiences and friends .  I have recently started to see a dog. I think he is king charles spaniel with long brown ears. I sometimes see a partner.

My aunt who is her late 40's maybe having a baby as she waits to hear from her egg donor by the end of the month. I have expressed my concern as I don't think its a good idea. I told her I didn't approve and I would not be baby sitting for her ever. I think she realised how against this I am. It has put a wedge between us as she knows I don't approve. I even tried to tell my Grandad what she is planning to do. But he didn't understand the concept of a egg donor. So I said no more . My cousin doesn't approve either but she hasn't said anything to her, so my aunt thinks she has her support.

I think that having a baby is a huge life changing thing, I'm just not sure she should be doing it at her age. Maybe I'm selfish thinking that she wont be able to care or help me as much. But   I'm 29 years old this month.  I need to take of myself I'm a grown up. I think I'm  concerned that something will happen to her and I will get lumbered with this child. I don't want children, I want my freedom and always will.  I don't want raise anyone else baby. I guess I just worry that she is making the wrong decision which she will not be able to reverse.

Just a little curious

It’s been an interesting couple of weeks. I got my heartbroken on the Monday and felt up by lesbian on the Friday. Actually felt up is an exaggeration- she put her arm around my waist in Charing Cross Rd after leaving the Candy bar. My friend who is bisexual suggested going to the Candy bar on the Friday. It was what I needed a man free zone. I was quite nervous and I kept thinking what do girls find attractive. It took me ages to figure out what to wear.  I am really into new experiences I just figured it was time I stopped wondering if I was bicurious.

My sexuality has always been a bit mystery to me. When I was 13 or 14 for about 3 weeks I stopped fancying men. I was so sure of my feelings for women I seriously considered coming out. But then the feelings just went away more or less. I think they just became less strong almost mild. I felt more attracted to men so I didn’t spend much time acknowledging my attraction to women. I think it just became something that I wasn’t sure about.  I wasn’t sure I was having actually having feelings. I didn’t feel like I wanted to kiss other girls or sleep with them or touch them. I liked pretty girls and I liked being in the company of women.

So anyway the Candy bar was a cool experience I definitely want to go back and explore my feelings a bit more - maybe kiss a girl and see where it leads.  It was a very relaxed vibe. I felt so comfortable. I found myself being physical attracted to lots of the women at the bar. It’s made me question my sexual experiences with men. I wonder how I really feel about men. My experiences with men have always had a level of awkwardness to them. I’m now questioning whether I have been sleeping with wrong sex. I feel like i crave the experience of someone who has the same body as me, to kiss and treat me gently to touch and explore my body.

I think the bonus of a relationship with girl - no birth control, sharing clothes and accessories, makeup and someone who understands you. But I think synchronized pms/ periods and all that talking would drive me mad.

There is a part of me that thinks I’m just so hurt that I can’t bring myself to be with a man. I’m so exhausted by men and their behaviour and just trying to figure out what is going on in their heads.

Either way I have decided to take a massive time out from dating men. I want to focus on finding myself and exploring other things like girls, mediation, meeting new people, live music, and bike riding even skateboarding.