Lurking Ms Apple

I have taken to lurking or possibly stalking the Ex on msn . Its not real stalking  I'm just hanging out on msn more to try see when he comes online. The thing its so fucking embarrassing to do be doing this. I'm not even sure what I'm try to achieve, it feels so pointless. I'm not even sure I want him back, maybe I just want some attention. I offered myself to him and got no response. Now I'm not even sure what he wants for me, maybe he wants nothing anymore. I don't think its offensive to say to someone I think we are both incapable of a relationship with each other. If its the truth. It was the truth he wants to have all these girls he talks to msn and shares explicit texts with and web cam so I suggested lets just fuck. But he must not be into that either. I'm must be old news, stale bread, any of those kind of terms you can think of .lol

Sometime I think I do this not because I want him back, because being with him was at times made me so  miserable. I do it because  I am lazy and  I cant bare to return to adult friend finder or Passion or any other sex site to look someone else.There is something holding me back. I'm not sure what it is. I'm seriously considering a male escort to help me relieve this sexual  tension. The other option is to become someone  bit on the side/ mistress  which sounds great in principal . But probably not as fun as it sounds.

Anyway I bought a new yoga DVD with a mediation section, I'm about to start reading A new earth awakening your life purpose and I'm getting my bike back today . So hopefully all these things will take my mind off the  Ex and help me focus on other things and move on from him.