This news is not going to be easy to get over. I thought if I got drunk and used the alcohol as a catalyst and verbally exploded so to speak. All the pain and upset would leave my body. The next day I would be fine. However I was wrong during the day I keep busy with my new activities, computer courses, reading all kinds of books , blogging 4OD instead of trashy daytime TV, going to meetups and citysocialsing, seeing friends, spending time alone . But at night after I go to bed and start to sleep something happens the sadness almost strangles me so I have no choice but to wake up. Once I wake up questions run thru my mind. Should I throw the cup he gave me away, Should i remove the films he recommended on love film from my list, whats the point now. I wont ever discuss them with him now.But on the other hand I could miss out on a good film. Will I ever watch Twin Peaks without thinking of him,if I watch Twin Peaks will I get sad and cry. So I should sell Twin Peaks dvd. Then the darker questions come, what is the truth? Why did he tell so many lies? did he ever have feelings for me ? How can you go from intense feeling to nothing, nada, zilch.Was this a joke? Did he always intend to hurt me, it was those little things he would say- like he knew when he moved out he would see me less , it made me feel like he had all planned in his head, he knew the script. How it would begin and how it would finish? An episode of unrequited love? Am I upset because I wanted to be the one to end it? Am I upset that he gets to live happily ever after and I don't? The overwhelming feeling is feeling used. I feel like I served my purpose. I'm stale and he wants fresh meat. I eventually get myself back to sleep in the end.
I guess things are better this time as my life has more purpose and its not the empty shell it was when he first unofficially dumped me. I have lots of things I want to do and I'm working so hard to be a better person. I'm so open to different ideas now about how to live and love. I saw my CBT yesterday for the first time since being diagnosed with mild depression. I still feel uncomfortable with term depression, I consider myself to have episodes from time to time, but I'm not even sure I would call it depression. I explained to him what happened and my reaction. He said its a very common reaction to that situation. I struggled so hard I didn't want to drink because I knew I would get uncontrollably upset. I tried some mediation exercises which helped for a while. But then the pain rose in my chest. I had to let it out so I drank a glass of red wine and stayed in the bath for a hour or so listening to Queen of heartbreak- Fiona Apple. When I came out the bath I wanted more alcohol so I drank half a bottle of peach schnapps in one. I followed that with three glasses Malibu and pomegranate juice which I remember tasting lovely. I had decided that during Glee i was going to drink vodka every time they sang. I spoke to my friend who was very worried by the state I was in. She was going to come down. I told her not as I was too embarrassed for her to see me like that, it was embarrassing enough for her to hear me like that. By magic after my friend got off the phone my aunt called I spoke to her for a while. Its weird as the week before I had just found the guts to tell her that I had a guy stay at my house for 4 months last year. I don't remember the conversation ending but I remember telling I wanted tattoos of my two favourite sayings - There is no true love and Love kills slowly . I made several msn updates which I cant bring myself to read yet. The last one relating to wanting Natalie Portman as she is so sexy, I also texted my friend during Glee that I wanted to marry Gwyneth Paltrow. So there must be something about alcohol that brings out latent lesbianism. I guess one day I will read this back and laugh or die of embarrassment. But I think its a good to have a record of yourself falling apart. I hope never to have another episode like this. Maybe because I wont ever love someone that much. I dispute that I loved him, it was more like obsession, the more he withheld from me the more I wanted him. Its bizarre now because I have dated people in the last couple of months and it doesn't seem to matter what mean thing or unexplained behaviour I receive I don't get angry. I have tendency to mostly just wait and see. Anyway now I'm going to be talking my cbt person for the next 3 weeks who is going to help sort me out. I almost tried to avoid committing to seeing the cbt person 3 weeks in a row. But if I want to be better person, I have to work on it regularly.
ps : Mike Skinner is right this lovegame is expensive
I guess things are better this time as my life has more purpose and its not the empty shell it was when he first unofficially dumped me. I have lots of things I want to do and I'm working so hard to be a better person. I'm so open to different ideas now about how to live and love. I saw my CBT yesterday for the first time since being diagnosed with mild depression. I still feel uncomfortable with term depression, I consider myself to have episodes from time to time, but I'm not even sure I would call it depression. I explained to him what happened and my reaction. He said its a very common reaction to that situation. I struggled so hard I didn't want to drink because I knew I would get uncontrollably upset. I tried some mediation exercises which helped for a while. But then the pain rose in my chest. I had to let it out so I drank a glass of red wine and stayed in the bath for a hour or so listening to Queen of heartbreak- Fiona Apple. When I came out the bath I wanted more alcohol so I drank half a bottle of peach schnapps in one. I followed that with three glasses Malibu and pomegranate juice which I remember tasting lovely. I had decided that during Glee i was going to drink vodka every time they sang. I spoke to my friend who was very worried by the state I was in. She was going to come down. I told her not as I was too embarrassed for her to see me like that, it was embarrassing enough for her to hear me like that. By magic after my friend got off the phone my aunt called I spoke to her for a while. Its weird as the week before I had just found the guts to tell her that I had a guy stay at my house for 4 months last year. I don't remember the conversation ending but I remember telling I wanted tattoos of my two favourite sayings - There is no true love and Love kills slowly . I made several msn updates which I cant bring myself to read yet. The last one relating to wanting Natalie Portman as she is so sexy, I also texted my friend during Glee that I wanted to marry Gwyneth Paltrow. So there must be something about alcohol that brings out latent lesbianism. I guess one day I will read this back and laugh or die of embarrassment. But I think its a good to have a record of yourself falling apart. I hope never to have another episode like this. Maybe because I wont ever love someone that much. I dispute that I loved him, it was more like obsession, the more he withheld from me the more I wanted him. Its bizarre now because I have dated people in the last couple of months and it doesn't seem to matter what mean thing or unexplained behaviour I receive I don't get angry. I have tendency to mostly just wait and see. Anyway now I'm going to be talking my cbt person for the next 3 weeks who is going to help sort me out. I almost tried to avoid committing to seeing the cbt person 3 weeks in a row. But if I want to be better person, I have to work on it regularly.
ps : Mike Skinner is right this lovegame is expensive
No comments:
Post a Comment