I have recently realised that I procrastinate on the little things that could help improve my life . I'm looking for a new job and I'm considering becoming a virtual assistant . I get so many emails with advice on looking for a job & becoming a virtual assistant. But instead of reading the emails I just file the emails away for another day. I have over 80 emails filed away. I have so much advice on various things at my finger tips. I don't read the advice then I wonder why things are not going my way. I have to stop procrastinating I have to take charge even its little by little if I want things to change. I have to take action : )
Thursday, 24 February 2011
I was kidding myself if I thought it was going to be that easy
This news is not going to be easy to get over. I thought if I got drunk and used the alcohol as a catalyst and verbally exploded so to speak. All the pain and upset would leave my body. The next day I would be fine. However I was wrong during the day I keep busy with my new activities, computer courses, reading all kinds of books , blogging 4OD instead of trashy daytime TV, going to meetups and citysocialsing, seeing friends, spending time alone . But at night after I go to bed and start to sleep something happens the sadness almost strangles me so I have no choice but to wake up. Once I wake up questions run thru my mind. Should I throw the cup he gave me away, Should i remove the films he recommended on love film from my list, whats the point now. I wont ever discuss them with him now.But on the other hand I could miss out on a good film. Will I ever watch Twin Peaks without thinking of him,if I watch Twin Peaks will I get sad and cry. So I should sell Twin Peaks dvd. Then the darker questions come, what is the truth? Why did he tell so many lies? did he ever have feelings for me ? How can you go from intense feeling to nothing, nada, zilch.Was this a joke? Did he always intend to hurt me, it was those little things he would say- like he knew when he moved out he would see me less , it made me feel like he had all planned in his head, he knew the script. How it would begin and how it would finish? An episode of unrequited love? Am I upset because I wanted to be the one to end it? Am I upset that he gets to live happily ever after and I don't? The overwhelming feeling is feeling used. I feel like I served my purpose. I'm stale and he wants fresh meat. I eventually get myself back to sleep in the end.
I guess things are better this time as my life has more purpose and its not the empty shell it was when he first unofficially dumped me. I have lots of things I want to do and I'm working so hard to be a better person. I'm so open to different ideas now about how to live and love. I saw my CBT yesterday for the first time since being diagnosed with mild depression. I still feel uncomfortable with term depression, I consider myself to have episodes from time to time, but I'm not even sure I would call it depression. I explained to him what happened and my reaction. He said its a very common reaction to that situation. I struggled so hard I didn't want to drink because I knew I would get uncontrollably upset. I tried some mediation exercises which helped for a while. But then the pain rose in my chest. I had to let it out so I drank a glass of red wine and stayed in the bath for a hour or so listening to Queen of heartbreak- Fiona Apple. When I came out the bath I wanted more alcohol so I drank half a bottle of peach schnapps in one. I followed that with three glasses Malibu and pomegranate juice which I remember tasting lovely. I had decided that during Glee i was going to drink vodka every time they sang. I spoke to my friend who was very worried by the state I was in. She was going to come down. I told her not as I was too embarrassed for her to see me like that, it was embarrassing enough for her to hear me like that. By magic after my friend got off the phone my aunt called I spoke to her for a while. Its weird as the week before I had just found the guts to tell her that I had a guy stay at my house for 4 months last year. I don't remember the conversation ending but I remember telling I wanted tattoos of my two favourite sayings - There is no true love and Love kills slowly . I made several msn updates which I cant bring myself to read yet. The last one relating to wanting Natalie Portman as she is so sexy, I also texted my friend during Glee that I wanted to marry Gwyneth Paltrow. So there must be something about alcohol that brings out latent lesbianism. I guess one day I will read this back and laugh or die of embarrassment. But I think its a good to have a record of yourself falling apart. I hope never to have another episode like this. Maybe because I wont ever love someone that much. I dispute that I loved him, it was more like obsession, the more he withheld from me the more I wanted him. Its bizarre now because I have dated people in the last couple of months and it doesn't seem to matter what mean thing or unexplained behaviour I receive I don't get angry. I have tendency to mostly just wait and see. Anyway now I'm going to be talking my cbt person for the next 3 weeks who is going to help sort me out. I almost tried to avoid committing to seeing the cbt person 3 weeks in a row. But if I want to be better person, I have to work on it regularly.
ps : Mike Skinner is right this lovegame is expensive
I guess things are better this time as my life has more purpose and its not the empty shell it was when he first unofficially dumped me. I have lots of things I want to do and I'm working so hard to be a better person. I'm so open to different ideas now about how to live and love. I saw my CBT yesterday for the first time since being diagnosed with mild depression. I still feel uncomfortable with term depression, I consider myself to have episodes from time to time, but I'm not even sure I would call it depression. I explained to him what happened and my reaction. He said its a very common reaction to that situation. I struggled so hard I didn't want to drink because I knew I would get uncontrollably upset. I tried some mediation exercises which helped for a while. But then the pain rose in my chest. I had to let it out so I drank a glass of red wine and stayed in the bath for a hour or so listening to Queen of heartbreak- Fiona Apple. When I came out the bath I wanted more alcohol so I drank half a bottle of peach schnapps in one. I followed that with three glasses Malibu and pomegranate juice which I remember tasting lovely. I had decided that during Glee i was going to drink vodka every time they sang. I spoke to my friend who was very worried by the state I was in. She was going to come down. I told her not as I was too embarrassed for her to see me like that, it was embarrassing enough for her to hear me like that. By magic after my friend got off the phone my aunt called I spoke to her for a while. Its weird as the week before I had just found the guts to tell her that I had a guy stay at my house for 4 months last year. I don't remember the conversation ending but I remember telling I wanted tattoos of my two favourite sayings - There is no true love and Love kills slowly . I made several msn updates which I cant bring myself to read yet. The last one relating to wanting Natalie Portman as she is so sexy, I also texted my friend during Glee that I wanted to marry Gwyneth Paltrow. So there must be something about alcohol that brings out latent lesbianism. I guess one day I will read this back and laugh or die of embarrassment. But I think its a good to have a record of yourself falling apart. I hope never to have another episode like this. Maybe because I wont ever love someone that much. I dispute that I loved him, it was more like obsession, the more he withheld from me the more I wanted him. Its bizarre now because I have dated people in the last couple of months and it doesn't seem to matter what mean thing or unexplained behaviour I receive I don't get angry. I have tendency to mostly just wait and see. Anyway now I'm going to be talking my cbt person for the next 3 weeks who is going to help sort me out. I almost tried to avoid committing to seeing the cbt person 3 weeks in a row. But if I want to be better person, I have to work on it regularly.
ps : Mike Skinner is right this lovegame is expensive
Monday, 21 February 2011
I guess I have closure now
My lurking paid off. I spoke to the Ex today. He apparently lives in Scotland now. He has a girlfriend , they are having a baby and getting married. He told so many lies Im not even sure I believe him. But I feel better more able to move on and close this awful chapter of my life. : )
Liking Someone
One of the guys I met online dating is really interesting he is 10 years older than me. But it doesn't seem like it when we talk. We are into some of the same things . I hang out his workplace and we drink tea and chat. He offers me so much not money wise but experience wise. He is so open and generous with his time.We are just friends but I'm starting to like him. But in the back of my head I'm just waiting for it all to change and for him to start playing games and hurting my feelings.
I know it wont ever be traditional dating if and when we get together meals out, cinema, gigs, etc. But I would rather not have those things if its insincere and just to get into my knickers.
I know my friends will say I'm being a cheap date. But I'm not traditional I have never felt comfortable with a guy buying me dinner , etc or spending lots of money on me. It makes me feel pressured to put out. I would rather split the bill after a couple of dates. Dating can be so expensive if you are paying for everything. So I have sympathy for guys.
Lurking Ms Apple
I have taken to lurking or possibly stalking the Ex on msn . Its not real stalking I'm just hanging out on msn more to try see when he comes online. The thing its so fucking embarrassing to do be doing this. I'm not even sure what I'm try to achieve, it feels so pointless. I'm not even sure I want him back, maybe I just want some attention. I offered myself to him and got no response. Now I'm not even sure what he wants for me, maybe he wants nothing anymore. I don't think its offensive to say to someone I think we are both incapable of a relationship with each other. If its the truth. It was the truth he wants to have all these girls he talks to msn and shares explicit texts with and web cam so I suggested lets just fuck. But he must not be into that either. I'm must be old news, stale bread, any of those kind of terms you can think of .lol
Sometime I think I do this not because I want him back, because being with him was at times made me so miserable. I do it because I am lazy and I cant bare to return to adult friend finder or Passion or any other sex site to look someone else.There is something holding me back. I'm not sure what it is. I'm seriously considering a male escort to help me relieve this sexual tension. The other option is to become someone bit on the side/ mistress which sounds great in principal . But probably not as fun as it sounds.
Anyway I bought a new yoga DVD with a mediation section, I'm about to start reading A new earth awakening your life purpose and I'm getting my bike back today . So hopefully all these things will take my mind off the Ex and help me focus on other things and move on from him.
Sometime I think I do this not because I want him back, because being with him was at times made me so miserable. I do it because I am lazy and I cant bare to return to adult friend finder or Passion or any other sex site to look someone else.There is something holding me back. I'm not sure what it is. I'm seriously considering a male escort to help me relieve this sexual tension. The other option is to become someone bit on the side/ mistress which sounds great in principal . But probably not as fun as it sounds.
Anyway I bought a new yoga DVD with a mediation section, I'm about to start reading A new earth awakening your life purpose and I'm getting my bike back today . So hopefully all these things will take my mind off the Ex and help me focus on other things and move on from him.
Online Dating Part 2
I have been online dating for a couple of months, but is coming to an end very soon. It cant come quick enough I will never date online again. The only thing I have really learned it that I'm turned off by bald men and men with receding hairlines. Its completely shallow and I'm probably missing out on soul mate because of this. But I find with a full head of hair or long hair so attractive. I met some interesting people but its too hit and miss for me. I will be focusing on socialising and getting out and about to meet people instead.
Monday, 7 February 2011
Cleaning up my mess
Well it all went a bit pear shaped. I'm now back at square one. I was juggling a few guys which was bloody exhausting. I meet one guy I really liked and after our 3rd date . I decided to clear the deck by texting all the other guys if they just wanted to be friends as I had met someone I really liked.
However this has back fired on me. The guy from my third date hasn't contacted me since our last date,actually he contacted me to say he would be in touch, but that was over 8 days ago. I cant help that it something I did. He took me for a meal and then for Italian ice cream and Italian treats. We kissed a lot of bit we also went to see Black Swan which I really enjoyed. He did invite me back to his place, I declined. I cant help think he thinks I'm a tease. I know I made the right decision. The date was so lovely I remember thinking during I could faint from the romance. I couldn't bring myself to go back to his and have awkward unfamiliar sex. But I'm partly thinking even if I had gone back to his who said he would seen me again. Either way I may not of seen him again. I guess I a bit sad because I had started to like him.But I'm kind of unsure whether I still want to date.
This disappointment has made reach for the Ex. It started by re adding him on msn, then logging on for most of the day to wait for him to log in ( such a waste of time ms apple) . Most of the time I tried to speak to him he ignored me. It should of made me angry,but I'm different girl. I'm calmer now and I expect him to act like an arsehole so when he acts like that I'm not really surprised. Eventually when I spoke to him briefly he told me he cant be my friend, he wants me physically. I queried physically because in the past he had told me something different - he had previously told wanted to be with me. He then said I got very distressed the last time. The reason I got distressed was because he told me he wanted to be with just me . I then found out he was in contact with other girls and other secrets about him. I actually mulled it over for a few days before sending him an email saying if you want that way you can have me that way , here my number. Get in contact if you want and if I don't hear from you I wont contact you.The experience with you has made stronger, blah blah blah. All the best.
The truth when I said I wasn't going to contact him, I did mean it . But as time when on I needed an answer or at least an acknowledgement of my offer. So last night when I saw him come msn. I asked him and of course got no answer. So last night I decided delete him from my contacts. But in the morning I regretted it so I tried to add him back. But once you delete someone they have to give permission for you to see them online again. I think it he doesn't give permission its probably for the best. I think I really need to move on I have so many other things I should be focusing on. I have decided either way I wont be waiting for him to come online anymore. I have better things to do with my time . I need to move on from this.
However this has back fired on me. The guy from my third date hasn't contacted me since our last date,actually he contacted me to say he would be in touch, but that was over 8 days ago. I cant help that it something I did. He took me for a meal and then for Italian ice cream and Italian treats. We kissed a lot of bit we also went to see Black Swan which I really enjoyed. He did invite me back to his place, I declined. I cant help think he thinks I'm a tease. I know I made the right decision. The date was so lovely I remember thinking during I could faint from the romance. I couldn't bring myself to go back to his and have awkward unfamiliar sex. But I'm partly thinking even if I had gone back to his who said he would seen me again. Either way I may not of seen him again. I guess I a bit sad because I had started to like him.But I'm kind of unsure whether I still want to date.
This disappointment has made reach for the Ex. It started by re adding him on msn, then logging on for most of the day to wait for him to log in ( such a waste of time ms apple) . Most of the time I tried to speak to him he ignored me. It should of made me angry,but I'm different girl. I'm calmer now and I expect him to act like an arsehole so when he acts like that I'm not really surprised. Eventually when I spoke to him briefly he told me he cant be my friend, he wants me physically. I queried physically because in the past he had told me something different - he had previously told wanted to be with me. He then said I got very distressed the last time. The reason I got distressed was because he told me he wanted to be with just me . I then found out he was in contact with other girls and other secrets about him. I actually mulled it over for a few days before sending him an email saying if you want that way you can have me that way , here my number. Get in contact if you want and if I don't hear from you I wont contact you.The experience with you has made stronger, blah blah blah. All the best.
The truth when I said I wasn't going to contact him, I did mean it . But as time when on I needed an answer or at least an acknowledgement of my offer. So last night when I saw him come msn. I asked him and of course got no answer. So last night I decided delete him from my contacts. But in the morning I regretted it so I tried to add him back. But once you delete someone they have to give permission for you to see them online again. I think it he doesn't give permission its probably for the best. I think I really need to move on I have so many other things I should be focusing on. I have decided either way I wont be waiting for him to come online anymore. I have better things to do with my time . I need to move on from this.
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