Making a mess of my love life

I joined online dating late last year, it has been mostly an up and down experience. But it starting to feel like everything is coming to a head. I decided I could date a few guys at the same time. However its feeling like a lot of pressure and I wished I had listen to advice that I was given date one person at a time. Because now I have dating  4 guys and I have dumped one. I have 4 guys to potentially  meet and I only like one guy  in that way. I wished I hadn't spread myself so thin. I'm not sure how I am going to get myself out of this one. Do I send a text or email to all involved? The longer I leave it the worse the outcome will be.

But I question the one I think I like it has only been 2 dates but I smile when I see his name flash up on my phone.Do I like him because he treats me nicely or because I really like him. The conversation flows well and we have stuff in common.  I feel comfortable with him. But I'm so terrified  I will get hurt again . If he finds out I'm dating other guys I'm not sure how well it would go down, probably not at all.

The Weirdness of Online Dating

Online Dating is not  for me. I really gave it a go I signed up for 3 months on a few paid dating  sites. ( Oh I tried but I cant helping thinking what I could of done with the money instead of waste it on this pointless activity) but its not my thing. I cant connect on that level. I like to be able look someone in the eye when I talk to them not type on keyboard or send them a wink. Online Dating is like a weird populairty contest, I edited pics and profile until I was watered down version of myself. You feel like you are trying not to say the wrong thing when someone does speak to you. My current method is dont say too much keep it brief or talk about how akward online dating is.

I have been really open regarding the type of guys I talk to as I still trying to establish what I like in a man apart from honesty.lol. But I generally only respond to people I fancy or people I fancy  and have written an interesting profile. I have had a few dates and I hope to have more in the near future. I have managed to get someone who lives in Birmingham wants  to come down and see me, I didnt ask him to do it. But he feels a need to lol. Im sure why he isnt  going to get a gold star for it .

There has been some slighty puzzling request from one guy im seeing, he really into me coming to see where he works and has told me so much about himself. In some ways its strange to meet someone who is open and isnt trying to hide everything and isnt making up lies about his life.Im not very  trusting anymore and I find myself wandering whats the ulterior motive - what does he want from me.

Despite all this I  think dating is my new hobby as I like meeting people. But the most annoying thing is end of date when the guy says I will be in touch or I will send you a text . 2or 3  days later when you least expect it you get a random text saying I really enjoyed meeting you. I start to think really Are you sure? It took you 2 days to text me, maybe you not that into me.

The next date I go on Im going to try to be the one to say I will be in contact or send you a text. Im not sure why guys think they are the decision is up to them. I feel like please dont act doing me a favour by dating me. Because you are not doing me a favour at all ,  I intend to date a lot and this isnt end of the world if you decide not to date me. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you could  be replaced by someone else.

A poem that made me think of the Ex

I went to a poetry/ storywriting  evening on friday night. It was fun to do something different. There a female poet who read a poem called Please Come Late by Hugo William. It made me think about the Ex  for a while. 

Please Come Late

By Hugo Williams

Please come late,
so that I have almost given you up
and have started glancing round the room,
thinking everyone is you.
Please don’t come
until I have started missing you,
thinking I will never see you again,
praying you are lost.
Come too late for me not to notice.
Make me suffer,
wondering what you are doing
on the other side of town,
still in your dressing gown.
Make me beg for mercy
when you pick up a magazine.
Are you looking in your mirror,
suddenly remembering me?

I’m on my second coffee by now,
eating the little bits of sugar in my cup.
Haven’t you set out yet?
I decide I don’t want to see you after all.
I don’t really like you.
I’d rather be on my own.
I know it is all over between us
But I go on sitting here,
reading a newspaper,
not understanding a word.
If you came in now, I wouldn’t recognize you.
Don’t come anywhere near me
until I have gone slightly mad for love of you.

I think the masochist in me is dead

I use to be so self destructive and self harm, with food, alcohol, relationships with men. But I have changed recently I dont want to do anything to hurt myself anymore.Its almost like I found happiness and joy from life and love myself now.