Why do boys from your past always try to contact you

Its funny how some guys never seem to forget you. A guy that fucked me in 2010 and hasn't spoken to me in over a year  just sent me an email asking - Hey there - haven't heard from your lovely self in an age :-) What's up, how's every little thing?

I considering whether I should reply as I have no intention of fucking him again. So I should probably ignore it.

The other guy who was recently got in contact was a guy who broke it off after the first date. His reason was that he was looking for something more serious. I guess he isn't looking for something serious now. He is very attractive so I am very tempted. But of me thinks he had his chance and he blew it.

I am a person who wants to move forward in life not backwards. But boys from your past always want to drag you back into the past.

I'm not sure if these guys are too lazy  to find new connections or struggle to forget me. But I think it must be laziness.

I havent blogged in a while so I thought I should blog

So there are few things that I have happened I briefly got back with the Ex so he could scratch my sexual itch. But then he started being a dickhead so I have dumped him again. But this time is the last time. The dumping of the Ex was encouraged by a movie called  Synecdoche , New York. The movie is uplifting and depressing in places. But it really encourages you not to waste a second of you life. Ultimately  I feel like I am wasting my life with the Ex. So I have to end it. So I have been spending my time going to the odd meetup on meetup.com and going to the cinema and seeing friends. I am also focused on trying to start up my own business as a virtual assistant. I hopeful it will work.I also still want to go to Uni so I am focused on trying to finding a 9-5 job so I can go to Uni in the evening. 

Taking a break and Celibacy

Well Im going a break to Brussells in a few days. I need a break and I hope  I will come back feeling refreshed. I  have been feeling  very stressed the last couple of weeks. I was thinking that I should be going to Amsterdam instead locked in hotel room and lots of space cakes. But I am  scared of drugs according to my Mum. My Dad schizophrenia  was  brought on  by him smoking marijuna. I dont want know what to believe but I prefer not risk it. Im looking forward to choclate, fries and odd beer and a different environment.Im hoping in the next couple of to get my virtual assistant business up and running it has taken longer than I thought. There have been a few hitches a long the way. But Im looking forward to trying my hand at being VA.

In other news I think I miss sex  its been  a bit longer than 2 months since I last did it with anyone. Im not sure if I want to do anything about it.  But celibacy is harder than I thought it would be. I have 10 months to go. I dont think I will look back on this period of celibacy as a good idea. Because I am a sexual person. But my life experiences were being ruled by sex and I got hurt. So I think  break from sex is necessary.   My birth control injection runs out on the  13 September and I am not renewing it. My time without sex has helped me be more productive and more sorted than  I have been in years. The strangest thing is im looking better than I ever have with my diet and exercise routine working wonders. The boys have been checking me out and I have to keep pretending to have a boyfriend, when they ask for my number. My friend thinks Im making a huge mistake by taking myself out of the dating arena for a year. But I do need this time to myself.

Celibate & Selfish

After the issues I have been having with friends over the past couple months  . I have decided to be celibate till 2 July 2012. I will be selfish for a while  and focus on my spirtual journey and exercise and weight loss and  focus on the things I want to experience in my life. The celibacy it just to help me be more focused on myself than sex and relationships with others.

I cant help you , if you wont help yourself

For the past couple of months I have been trying my best to help a childhood  friend who has sexually assaulted and racially abused a few years ago. I understand the trauma never leaves you. My friend and I don't have the best history and she hasn't always been a good friend to me and acted towards me in a way that I perceived to be malicious. But I couldn't be sure at the time so I let it slide. She borrowed some money from me which she hasn't returned which also was an issue between us. Despite this I really tried to encourage her to get help for her anger issues and counseling for the sexual assault. I sent her emails with information asking her to specify what she wanted from a counsellor. She would send me very negative texts and I would have to be positive and try to get her to consider another way of thinking.  I gave her a diary to write down her thoughts and feelings so they wouldn't always be swimming around in her head. She would send me texts saying she wanted to try various activities  - kickboxing,driving lessons, invest in wine,etc and  she wanted us to move to Jamaica to set up a business. Then she got herself arrested twice within the space of a couple of months. The second time she asked for me to be informed. The call went to voicemail as I was at work.
I called back and I spoke to custody sarg who told me the call  was information only no action is required. She will contact when she is released.  This incident lit a spark with her. She text me asking why didn't I pick up my phone , I advised her I have to keep my phone on silent at work and I check messages when I get them. I advised her I did call and speak to the custody sarg - he said the call was for info only. She started to accuse me of being a fake friend. I advised her again I did callback and I didn't ignore the call. I don't understand what else did  she expected me to do. She didn't address what I said she text back the custody sarg was cunt. I didn't hear from her for a few weeks. She then text me that she was considering auditioning to sing for a jazz star backing band, would I videotape her, I agreed but said she needed to get a video camera as I didn't have one. She asked about which Uni  I wanted to go to and when was I thinking of going. I told her I was still undecided. She said she would be in  touch when she had a video camera.
But on Monday night She did something that made me so mad that I lost my patience with her. She made really inappropriate comment about the London riots I told her comments were inappropriate and I didn't have time for them right now.I was at work dealing with real consequences of riots and people who were  really scared. She went mad. She started sending me abusive texts  calling me fat and ugly and dumb saying I was selfish and the same birth sign as the guy that raped her , she hoped I got raped. I had no decorum ( lol) and lots of other stuff which I read and deleted. I initially to told her to fuck off and don't not text me again. I then followed that up with do not text, email or contact me again. I'm not angry or upset by her comments they are not a true reflection of me. So now I think we are no longer friends ???? . I did try to help her but people with problems have to help themselves. You cant do for them.

The delicate nature of friendship

Its been a strange couple of months and I almost felt like I had lost my way and I didnt know where to turn and if I was ever going to feel better.  I finally cut ties with the Ex this time its for good. He really tried to stay in my life but only so he continue to use me for sex when he felt like it. I knew this would destroy me. So I told him I need space and he has stopped texting me and this time I know he will never text me again. It makes me feel a little sad but ultimately its for the best.
The next little hiccup came almost out of the blue I was knocked sideways. I had been trying to get in contact with a longterm friend that I had known from primary school. In March or April  she was suppose to be coming over for dinner but cancelled  about 2 hours before I had already started to cook so when I got the voicemail I was annoyed and when she called back after I text her. I didnt answer as I was too upset.  We arranged to do it another time. A couple weeks later I got a voicemail from her saying call me asap. I was at work when I got the message. I had no credit and from the tone of her voice it didnt sound like a dire emergency  so I called her that evening when I got home from my house phone and left a message.  A few days later I left another message as I hadnt heard back from her. The from time to time I would leave a voicemail. One day I got thru to her I said hello  __________ its  me and then line appeared to cut out when I tried to callback it just rang and rang. I didnt really know what to think at this stage. It just seem strange but I my friend had had issues with her phone before so  I put it down to that. A few weeks later I called again after getting no response. I deleted her number I just got tired of all this.  A month or 2 later  I remembered I  had a brolly and 2 dvds that she leant me. I decided to leave a message  for her at workplace basically say I will drop your stuff off at work for you to collect let me know if you want me to do that . I hadnt heard back a few weeks later so I called to leave another message to say I was dropping the stuff off. I called I was put thru to the office. After I started to speak , her colleague gasped and said I passed your previous message and ________ has requested that you leave no further mesages for her. I was shocked I hung up the phone. I sat in stunned silence for a while. It would make a lot more sense if we had a big row or I had done something which I needed to apologise for. But  Im not even sure what I did. I sent the stuff to her workplace in the post a few days later. Its strange thou she was a great support when I was going thru stuff with the Ex and I may not of made it without her, she saved my life and encouraged me to get the help I needed. She would let into exhibitions where she worked for free. She was a very good friend. I will miss her from time to time. But when I think all this. I  am reminded about a saying about friendship  - Some friends are for a reason, some friends are for a season and some friends are for life.

Wrong end of the stick

It turns out I got the wrong end of the stick with Rollerboy, he wasn't trying to end our friendship. But was actually having some real personal problems. I have made things a lot worse by emailing him asking him for recommendations for in line skating and web designers. I know he wont forgive and I actually think he shouldn't. I had a similar falling out with my half brother I jumped to conclusions and then emailed these conclusion to him- he hit the roof and said some mean things to me. We tried to patch it up but  our relationship never really recovered from it and we are no longer in contact.  I need to learn that not everyone is the same and not everyone is trying to take me  for a ride. I think years of bad experiences with men made me think I knew what was happening. Maybe this is good thing and I will learn my lesson and stop jump to conclusions and just wait and see what happens.

My skating lesson was a disaster  I smacked the back of  head on concrete  but I was wearing a helmet.  I was asked to sit out the class as I was too slow. I need private lessons which will cost although the first one will be free.  My neck is a bit sore. I keep thinking what if I wasn't wearing a helmet I could of really hurt myself.

Learning a Lesson

Im hoping to have my first inline skating lesson tomorrow. Im very nervous but looking forward to the challenge. I just tried my skates out on my balcony and fell on butt. It hasnt put me off I figure worse that can happen is that I fall over again. I think it will take a long time to get good but I need this little challenges to make life interesting.

Thought of the day

Its funny how a ray of sunshine can turn to a streak of piss. Im still feeling raw about rollerboy . I decided that a suitable nickname for him . I want him to get in touch even thou I know he wont. Everytime I check my inbox and there is no email from him my heart sinks a little. I know I will feel better in a couple of weeks but its that misery stage and working through it.

I went to see a play at soho theatre tonight - hundreds & thousands its about a woman who moves in with her boyfriend who lives in the country and then discovers his little secret. It was dark  and intense but I enjoyed it. It made me think about myself and love and what I would do for love.  Its made feel more desperate to get away from the Ex before he damages me emotionally. I really need sometime away from men so I can focus on me.

Its all bit fucked but I keep smiling

Well things have gone a bit fucked with ____ I was kind of in a casual relationship/ just friends thing. Im exhausted but most of all im angry with myself that I was so easily led.  But I have learned a life lesson dont listen to what people say but watch  their actions and never do anything to try a save a relationship.HE encouraged me to register a domain name and  made promises to help me set up a business website and host. He also promised to teach me inline skating as he is qualified instructor. He encouraged me to buy skates costing more than £80 and I did. I bought the skates so that he could teach me and we would have something in common. _____ stood me up last week with an reasonable excuse. However he also sent an email trying to cancel meeting up after we were suppose to be meeting  up, school boy error.
But I could just tell it was over there was no real apology and nothing said about arranging another time. So I responded get in touch when you sort your problems out, good luck . I have deleted his number and email.   I have felt a little sad since,but I will get over. Im not expecting a reappearance but with men you never can tell.

Im still going to learn how to inline skate so it wont be a completly loss cause, Im still going to set up my business too. But now I will have to sort it out myself which is probably for the best.

In other the news the Ex who cant stop lying is back on the scene, he texts me constanly pretending to care but all really wants to do is get laid and then fuck off again . He admits he lied about getting married and girlfriend who is expecting and moving to Canada.Despite the fact I know he nearly destroyed me Im considering seeing him again. I must be a sadist, Im likely to get hurt again if I get involved with him.In fact if I get back with him I am a complete idiot.

My friend says I pick the wrong men and I think she is right. She also states she thinks  I suffer  from low self esteem and this is why I keep settling for less. I dont think she is right about that. I settle for less as Im trying to make things less complicated and I want my freedom. I like sex but I dont always want to be serious relationship to have it. I dont always want to be dealing with the ups and downs of another person. Im selfish . But I think Im not very good at reading when  people are genuine and I make mistakes. Im tired of making mistakes with men. I think I need a long break.

Letting out My Creative Side

This morning I went to life drawing class with classical music playing in background . It was so nice to get in touch with my creative side and use colour and be completely absorbed in an activity and thinking of nothing else. I might post my drawing on the blog in near future

Just Friends

I think I confused  my fuck buddy this week. I didn't mean to but I did. I think we are more in the buddy zone than fuck zone. The last time he came over we talked for hours and didn't fuck or get close to it.  I tired on his inline skates fell over and brought him down with me. It was kind of fun. He said he needed time to seduce me so that's why we were not doing it that day. But I got into this to at least get laid more than once a month and so far I haven't been getting any. He is kind of cool and  has offered to help me set up my website and host it  for  my online business and teach me to inline skate.

I was in bed this week and I just started to think what a great person he is and how he has helped me so much. I felt I wanted to let him know as life is too short not praise someone who is making your life better. So I sent him the  following text - Hi ___ pls note I'm absolutely terrified  of expressing any kind of emotion towards u incase i scare the crap out of u which i probably will. But I'm really glad i met u even thou I'm scared to say it i feel the need to let u know. 
All was trying to say was I was glad I had met him as a friend  although I realise now my opening comments were a bit wordy and confusing . However he read into this that I wanted or was looking for a relationship. He started stating he wasn't sure what he was looking for in terms of a relationship and he wasn't sure he was ready for one right now  and we are just friends. But he was glad he met me too. But something about seeing those words in black & white text woke me up a little. Maybe I had been reading in too much into his behaviour. I didn't want  and do not want to be in a relationship with him.as it would prevent me from focusing on myself fully and being selfish when I want to be . I feel trapped and get very stressed in relationships .

I don't feel ready to be in a relationship either so I text him back the same, telling him to relax and all I was trying to say is that he is a ray of sunshine and has opened my mind.But now when I think of him I think of Jarvis Cocker song - Don't let him waste your time. I can almost see Jarvis on stage and singing that song to me. (I think I want to go to Wireless to see Pulp. I loved Pulp back in the day). I feel like I could of wasted a lot of time with ___ but now I know where I stand.

I feel free to see those words just friends in print. I don't have to be too worried if I don't see him for a month.
I don't have to make any effort to see him. I can focus on seeing my other friends and doing the things I want to do and if another guy comes a long. I don't have to feel guilty for talking to him or doing anything with him if I want to . As____and  me are just friends. Its always good to know where you stand with a guy so you don't develop some wild fantasy that something is going somewhere when it going absolutely  nowhere. ; )

End of era

3 weeks after the Ex told he was moving to Canada. He contacted me again asking me lots of questions about that night. It seemed bizarre that he remembered something that I hadn't really thought about at all. I guess I had put it to the back of mind and filed it as history. He seemed eager for a repeat performance constantly texting me. I knocked him back the first time he asked. The second time he constantly texted me to the point it was almost annoying . He ended it with I am outside your place . I relented and let him sleep with me again.
The sex activity  wasn't bad but it wasn't  good either. I felt absolute nothing really and just wanted it to be over so that he would go away and I could go to sleep. I was tired it was 1.30am in the morning.He promised we could meet for Coffee before he left and he would give me my ds back. I didn't hold my breath and expected him to let me down again.He contacted me a few days later in the evening not really a suitable time for coffee. He seemed to want to screw me again. I didn't want to so I said I didn't want to. I told him that I thought we should call it quits for good. I think his response was ok. I felt relieved it was all over now. I did text him a few days later about my ds. I didn't get a response. I assume he is in Canada now and I hope he is happy.

In other news

My aunt didn't get a baby from a surrogate. I stand by my original thoughts it wasn't to be.My aunt is considering adoption. I still think that motherhood isn't for her. But I guess the heart wants what it wants.

I didn't hand my notice in. I just realised it wasn't a good idea without having another job to go to.I'm working on 2 business ideas. I don't know if they will work. I'm still looking for another job in meantime as I'm unhappy with the change in work patterns.

The guy from my post Liking Someone is now my very nice fuck buddy. He is really sexy and  sweet and nice and I like him as friend and I feel comfortable with him. He has helped me( web design lesson, impromptu skateboarding lesson,  introducing me to stage vu and  just advice and offers of help, etc) so much in the little time I have know him. I don't know how long it will last. But I know even if doesn't last. Its a good experience to be with a nice person. He has made me happy , But I'm strong enough to know I can be happy with him or without him.

Bumper Edition

I haven't blogged for a couple of weeks as I have been busy. Well as earlier stated I decided to  pursued the DS I managed to  find  my ex  mother address and I wrote to her asking her to pass a message on  in a second  last ditch attempt to get my DS back. I thought it could work a polite letter expressing that I just wanted my DS back. I waited with baited breath for a response that never came. Hopefully he never finds out what I did as I don't think he would forgive me. After the  letter didn't work I came to my last option the private detective I thought about it for 2 weeks. I got quotes from private detective agencies. Then I just decided to go for it. I just thought I could do as a once in a life time experience.

But its funny how things turn out one night almost like a dream the Ex text me and  he ended up coming round to mine and we spoke and kissed and went down on each other.Its strange the sexual chemistry is there. Its like we fit together. We are unable to make it work on any other level and he is unable to stop lying to me. In the moment I stopped being angry about everything and DS. I found some peace that night and I have found closure. He says he is moving to Canada with his girlfriend and unborn bambino. He says he is allowed to sleep with me as they are getting all out of their systems before they get married.He says she went to Italy with an ex lover to do the same thing. He wanted to feel that we are ending things on good terms. I don't know what I believe and I don't actually care what the truth is anymore. I'm just glad to of brought this chapter of my life to a close.

My friends think he will be back in touch. I'm not so sure he will be it felt pretty final. He promised to post the DS recorded delivery but I'm not holding my breath.

The private detective located that he lived in South East London till Dec 2010. But couldn't find a current address as he had moved in the last 10 -12 weeks. They advised me to try again in 10 -12 weeks . But I don't need to now. I'm glad I tried to fight to get my DS it helped me recover from heartbreak and make me feel strong.

I slipped a little ( Relapse)

I have been analysing and thinking again about everything again. I started snooping again, its almost like I cant help myself. But I'm sure this is the last time. I wont say what I did. But it was very snoopy. Sometimes I think I should of been a private detective I am wasting my talents. I know have to stop but I am like a dog with a bone, maybe even with my DS I'm acting like a dog with a bone.I wont or cant  let go. I have to admit I could be fighting a battle I cant win that will leave me anxious, depressed and exhausted. I got my friend who I gave his number to prevent me contact him to give me his number again, I  probably wont  use I feel no urgent need to. He probably doesn't even use it anymore.
My friend  told he was poison and if I contacted him I was a glutton for punishment. Something in those words stung. It has made me think, how I need to spend my time doing positive things to help me.
I'm 29 this month and I want to spend the next 2 years learning about myself and having experiences. I have to stop myself getting into  these cycles. They are negative and not positive for my well being. I glanced at  an article in Marie Claire about female stalkers.I terrifyingly  fit the profile, but I really don't want to become a stalker. In the article there is cautionary tale about a woman who stalked and a male who was stalked. I'm hoping the article can help me get off this bad track. Its kind of hard to explain but its almost like being possessed.  All logical reasoning goes out of your head. Its not the person I want to be so I am going  to  remove all traces of him in my life. I have to focus on the positive in my life, reading , dance, socialise, exercise and do  anything to take my mind off it.

Depths of Despair

I find it strange that only when in depth despair can I get myself focused. When I am unhappy I managed to be at my most productive.

I went to the Young Vic tonight and watched a play Vernon little god. It had so much energy and was emotional in places.  The main character like had the power to save himself all along, but only when in the depth of despair did he pull himself out.

Nintendo DS Drama

I officially  hate the word  Ex like Fearne Cotton hates the word fiancee. Anyway the man I kind of consider an ex ( he lived with me for a few months)  has my pink  Nintendo DS. He was suppose to borrow it for a week initially in May 2010. The week came and I went and the DS was not  returned. In June or July I sent him a text to let him know when he could return it. I got no response. Then I confronted him in text and told him what I thought of him. I got a response but not a good one.  He needed time and space aka fuck off and leave me alone. So I did then at Xmas curiosity got the worse of me I started to unlock the door which I had closed. We spoke briefly twice and the second time he promised put the DS in the post . The DS is yet to arrive. I have left messages to try and confirm when it has been put in the post. But no confirmation yet. I know he is probably busy with all the changes in his life, but it take two minutes to confirm if you have sent  something.

I still want my DS back but I'm afraid that if I really push it , it will just put his back up and he will get angry. I think  that he thinks  I'm doing this to keep in contact with him. I'm afraid he will think I'm doing this out spite,because he met someone else and is getting married and having a baby. I know he would prefer if I just disappeared.

I question if I have the strength to keep pushing for my DS even thou I want it back. It just sometimes seems so silly to be pushing for it , but my sense of entitlement overwhelms me. There is another part of me that thinks he may lost it,broken it,  had it stolen or part exchanged it and doesn't have the guts to tell me. I'm not sure what to do now should I let go or keep pushing.. My friend says that sometimes when a relationship  ends you don't get back stuff and you have to just  deal with it. But I find it hard to let go , its just doesn't feel fair. I don't know why he would want to keep it.

Blogger for Life

I have been thinking about how long I want to blog for. I think I want to blog for as long  I can see the letter of the keyboard to type. I think it will be so interesting to look back on  blogs I write now when Im 40. It will almost  be like a diary of my life. A diary for anyone to read if they choose. Im glad hardly anyone read this I think I would crumble under the pressure of an auidence. I think I would subconciously tone it down or ramp it up. My life can be boring at times and exciting at times. I wonder if I will get myself sorted out in the end. My life is about to be focused on me first the first time. No more listening to the gospel according to family members, certain friends and the ex. I will be making my own  decision and taking less advice onboard. I feel like I am in the driving seat for the first time.

Notice Period

I realised this week I have to had my notice in at work  next month. I cant  continue in my role any longer. I cant physically cope with getting up in the morning and going to work. The shift pattern is changing to something so awful I know I cant my body and mind thru . When I think of my job it feels like staying in a bad relationship which is getting worse and worse, if  I don't leave now I never will. I'm  a bit angry  that it took me so long to get to this point that I cant get out of bed in the morning to realise that I have to leave. I cant believe it took me so long to figure out that I need to cutback and I cant have everything if I want to go to Uni in the evening . In life some time you have to suffer a little to get what you want. My cbt has told me I can get some assistance looking for work and have some psychometric testing to see what kind of work I am suited. If I want my life to start I have to make some sacrifices.

Babies , Babies , Babies

Sometimes I feel like life changes too quickly. Two of my  friends have announced they are  expecting babies and I'm really happy for them. I know our friendship will change now. I know I will never be a member of the Mummy club. I wonder if  I will regret it. I don't think I will. I get scared that I'm setting myself up for a lonely life with no babies. I know that I could never be a mother. I cant make the sacrifices of parenthood. I cant stand the sound of a  crying baby, it does something to my  soul. The sound disturbs my soul its one of the  most disturbing noises to me.  Parenthood is not for me. One of my friends is always trying to trick me into admitting that I might have a baby one day. But it will never happen. I just cant see kids in my future. When I think about my future  I see a 2 bed flat or house in Southeast London. Lots of travel and new experiences and friends .  I have recently started to see a dog. I think he is king charles spaniel with long brown ears. I sometimes see a partner.

My aunt who is her late 40's maybe having a baby as she waits to hear from her egg donor by the end of the month. I have expressed my concern as I don't think its a good idea. I told her I didn't approve and I would not be baby sitting for her ever. I think she realised how against this I am. It has put a wedge between us as she knows I don't approve. I even tried to tell my Grandad what she is planning to do. But he didn't understand the concept of a egg donor. So I said no more . My cousin doesn't approve either but she hasn't said anything to her, so my aunt thinks she has her support.

I think that having a baby is a huge life changing thing, I'm just not sure she should be doing it at her age. Maybe I'm selfish thinking that she wont be able to care or help me as much. But   I'm 29 years old this month.  I need to take of myself I'm a grown up. I think I'm  concerned that something will happen to her and I will get lumbered with this child. I don't want children, I want my freedom and always will.  I don't want raise anyone else baby. I guess I just worry that she is making the wrong decision which she will not be able to reverse.

Just a little curious

It’s been an interesting couple of weeks. I got my heartbroken on the Monday and felt up by lesbian on the Friday. Actually felt up is an exaggeration- she put her arm around my waist in Charing Cross Rd after leaving the Candy bar. My friend who is bisexual suggested going to the Candy bar on the Friday. It was what I needed a man free zone. I was quite nervous and I kept thinking what do girls find attractive. It took me ages to figure out what to wear.  I am really into new experiences I just figured it was time I stopped wondering if I was bicurious.

My sexuality has always been a bit mystery to me. When I was 13 or 14 for about 3 weeks I stopped fancying men. I was so sure of my feelings for women I seriously considered coming out. But then the feelings just went away more or less. I think they just became less strong almost mild. I felt more attracted to men so I didn’t spend much time acknowledging my attraction to women. I think it just became something that I wasn’t sure about.  I wasn’t sure I was having actually having feelings. I didn’t feel like I wanted to kiss other girls or sleep with them or touch them. I liked pretty girls and I liked being in the company of women.

So anyway the Candy bar was a cool experience I definitely want to go back and explore my feelings a bit more - maybe kiss a girl and see where it leads.  It was a very relaxed vibe. I felt so comfortable. I found myself being physical attracted to lots of the women at the bar. It’s made me question my sexual experiences with men. I wonder how I really feel about men. My experiences with men have always had a level of awkwardness to them. I’m now questioning whether I have been sleeping with wrong sex. I feel like i crave the experience of someone who has the same body as me, to kiss and treat me gently to touch and explore my body.

I think the bonus of a relationship with girl - no birth control, sharing clothes and accessories, makeup and someone who understands you. But I think synchronized pms/ periods and all that talking would drive me mad.

There is a part of me that thinks I’m just so hurt that I can’t bring myself to be with a man. I’m so exhausted by men and their behaviour and just trying to figure out what is going on in their heads.

Either way I have decided to take a massive time out from dating men. I want to focus on finding myself and exploring other things like girls, mediation, meeting new people, live music, and bike riding even skateboarding.

The Great Procrastinator

I have recently realised that I procrastinate on the little things that could help improve my  life . I'm  looking for a new job and I'm considering becoming a virtual assistant . I get so many emails with advice on looking for a job & becoming a virtual assistant.   But instead of reading the emails  I just  file the emails away for another day. I have over 80 emails filed away. I have so much advice on various things  at my finger tips. I don't read the advice then I wonder why things are not going my way. I have to stop procrastinating I have to take charge even its little by little if I want things to change. I have to take action  : )

I was kidding myself if I thought it was going to be that easy

This news is  not going to be easy to get over. I thought if I got drunk and used the alcohol as a catalyst  and verbally  exploded so to speak. All the pain and upset would leave my body. The next day  I would be fine. However I was wrong during the day I keep busy with my new activities, computer courses, reading all kinds of books , blogging 4OD instead of trashy daytime TV, going to meetups and citysocialsing, seeing friends, spending time alone . But at night  after I go to bed and start to sleep something happens the sadness almost strangles me so I have no choice but to wake up. Once I wake up questions run thru my mind. Should I throw the cup he gave me away, Should i remove the films he recommended on love film from my list, whats the point now. I wont ever discuss them with him now.But on the other hand I could miss out on a good film. Will I ever watch Twin Peaks without thinking of him,if I  watch Twin Peaks will I  get sad and cry. So I should sell Twin Peaks dvd. Then the darker questions come, what is the truth?  Why did he tell so many lies? did he ever have feelings for me ? How can you go from intense feeling to nothing, nada, zilch.Was this a joke? Did he always intend to hurt me, it was those little things he would say- like he knew when he moved out he would see me less , it made me feel like he had all planned in his head, he knew the script. How it would begin and how it would finish? An episode of unrequited love? Am I upset because I wanted to be the one to end it? Am I upset that he gets to live happily ever after and I don't? The overwhelming feeling is feeling used. I feel like I served my purpose. I'm stale and he wants fresh meat. I eventually get myself back to sleep in the end.

I guess things are better this time as my life has more purpose and its not the empty shell it was when he first unofficially dumped me. I have lots of things I want to do and I'm working so hard to be a better person. I'm so open to different ideas now about how to live and love. I saw my CBT yesterday for the first time since being diagnosed with mild depression. I still feel uncomfortable with term depression, I consider myself to have episodes  from time to time, but I'm not even sure I would call it depression. I explained to him what happened and my reaction. He said its a very common reaction to that situation. I struggled so hard I didn't want to drink because I knew I would get uncontrollably  upset. I tried some mediation exercises which helped for a while. But then the pain rose in my chest. I had to let it out so I drank a glass of red wine and stayed in the bath for a hour or so listening to Queen of heartbreak-  Fiona Apple. When I came out the bath I wanted more alcohol so I drank half a bottle of  peach schnapps in one. I followed that with three glasses Malibu and pomegranate juice which I remember tasting lovely. I had decided that during Glee i was going to drink vodka every time they sang. I spoke to my friend who was very worried by the state I was in. She was going to come down. I told her not as I was too embarrassed for her to see me like that, it was embarrassing enough for her to hear me like that. By magic after my friend got off the phone my aunt called I spoke to her for a while. Its weird as the week before I had just found the guts to tell her that I had a guy stay at my house  for 4 months last year.  I don't remember the conversation ending but I remember telling I wanted tattoos of my two favourite sayings - There is no true love and Love kills slowly . I  made several msn updates which I cant bring myself to read yet. The last one relating to wanting Natalie Portman as she is so sexy, I also texted my friend during Glee that I wanted to marry Gwyneth Paltrow. So there must be something about alcohol that brings out latent lesbianism. I guess one day I will read this back and laugh or die of embarrassment. But I think its a good to have a record of yourself falling apart. I hope never to have another episode like this. Maybe because I wont ever love someone that much. I  dispute that I loved him, it was more like obsession, the more he withheld from me the more I wanted him. Its bizarre now because I have dated people in the last couple of months and it doesn't seem to matter what mean thing  or unexplained behaviour I receive I don't get angry. I have tendency to mostly just wait and see. Anyway now I'm going to be talking my cbt person  for the next 3 weeks who is going to help sort me out. I almost tried to avoid committing to seeing the cbt person 3 weeks in a row. But if  I want to be better person, I have to work on it regularly.


ps : Mike Skinner is right this lovegame is expensive

I guess I have closure now

My lurking paid off. I spoke to the Ex today. He apparently lives in Scotland now. He has a girlfriend , they are having a baby and getting married. He told so many lies Im not even sure I believe him. But I feel better more able to move on and close this awful chapter of my life.  :  )

Liking Someone

One of the guys I met online dating is really interesting he is 10 years older than me. But it doesn't seem like it when we talk. We are into some of the same things . I hang out his workplace and we drink tea and chat. He offers me so much not money wise but experience wise. He is so open and generous with his time.We are just friends but I'm starting to like him. But in the back of my head I'm just waiting for it all to change and for him to start playing games and hurting my feelings.

I know it wont ever be traditional dating if and when we get together meals out, cinema, gigs, etc. But I would rather not have those things if its insincere and just to get into my knickers.

I know my friends will say I'm being a cheap date. But I'm not traditional I have never felt comfortable with a guy buying me dinner , etc or spending lots of money on me. It makes me feel pressured to put out. I would rather split the bill after a couple of dates. Dating can be so expensive if you are paying for everything. So I have sympathy for guys.

Lurking Ms Apple

I have taken to lurking or possibly stalking the Ex on msn . Its not real stalking  I'm just hanging out on msn more to try see when he comes online. The thing its so fucking embarrassing to do be doing this. I'm not even sure what I'm try to achieve, it feels so pointless. I'm not even sure I want him back, maybe I just want some attention. I offered myself to him and got no response. Now I'm not even sure what he wants for me, maybe he wants nothing anymore. I don't think its offensive to say to someone I think we are both incapable of a relationship with each other. If its the truth. It was the truth he wants to have all these girls he talks to msn and shares explicit texts with and web cam so I suggested lets just fuck. But he must not be into that either. I'm must be old news, stale bread, any of those kind of terms you can think of .lol

Sometime I think I do this not because I want him back, because being with him was at times made me so  miserable. I do it because  I am lazy and  I cant bare to return to adult friend finder or Passion or any other sex site to look someone else.There is something holding me back. I'm not sure what it is. I'm seriously considering a male escort to help me relieve this sexual  tension. The other option is to become someone  bit on the side/ mistress  which sounds great in principal . But probably not as fun as it sounds.

Anyway I bought a new yoga DVD with a mediation section, I'm about to start reading A new earth awakening your life purpose and I'm getting my bike back today . So hopefully all these things will take my mind off the  Ex and help me focus on other things and move on from him. 

Online Dating Part 2

I have been online dating  for a couple of months, but  is coming to an end very soon. It cant come quick enough I will never date online again. The only thing I have really learned it that I'm turned off by bald men and men with receding hairlines. Its completely  shallow and I'm probably missing out on soul mate because of this. But I find with a full head of hair or long hair so attractive.  I met some interesting people but its too hit and miss for me. I will be focusing on socialising and getting out and about to meet people instead.

Cleaning up my mess

Well it all went a bit pear shaped. I'm now back at square one. I was juggling a few guys which was bloody exhausting. I  meet one guy I really liked and after our  3rd date . I decided to clear the deck  by texting  all the other guys if they just wanted to be friends as I had met someone I really liked.

However this has back fired on me. The guy from my third date hasn't contacted me since our last date,actually he contacted me to say he would be in touch, but that was over 8 days ago. I cant help that it something I did. He took me for a meal and then for Italian ice cream and Italian treats. We kissed a lot of bit we also went to see Black Swan which I really enjoyed. He did invite me back to his place, I declined. I cant help think he thinks I'm a tease. I know I made the right decision. The date was so lovely I remember thinking during I could faint from the romance. I couldn't bring myself to go back to his and have awkward unfamiliar sex. But I'm partly thinking even if I had gone back to his who said he would seen me again. Either way I may not of seen him again. I guess I a bit sad because I had started to like him.But I'm kind of unsure whether I still want to date.

This disappointment has made reach for the Ex. It started by re adding him on msn, then logging on for most of the day to wait for him to log in ( such a waste of time ms apple) . Most of the time I tried to speak to him he ignored me. It should of made me angry,but I'm different girl. I'm calmer now and I expect him to act like an arsehole so when he acts like that I'm not really surprised. Eventually when I spoke to him briefly he told me he cant be my friend, he wants me physically. I queried physically because in the past he had told me something different - he had previously told  wanted to be with me. He then said I got very distressed the last time. The reason I got distressed was because he told me he wanted to be with just me . I  then found out he was in contact with other girls and other secrets about him. I actually mulled it over for a few days before sending him an email saying if you want that way you can have me that way , here my number. Get in contact if you want and if I don't hear from you I wont contact you.The experience with you has made stronger, blah blah blah. All the best.


The truth when I said I wasn't going to contact him, I did mean it . But as time when on I needed an answer or at least an acknowledgement of my offer. So last  night when I saw him come msn. I asked him and of course got no answer. So last night I decided delete him from my contacts. But in the morning I regretted it so I tried to add him back. But once you delete someone they have to give permission for you to see them online again. I think it he doesn't give permission its probably for the best. I think I really need to move on I have so many other things I should be focusing on. I have decided either way I wont be waiting for him to come online anymore. I have better things to do with my time . I need to move on from this.

 

Making a mess of my love life

I joined online dating late last year, it has been mostly an up and down experience. But it starting to feel like everything is coming to a head. I decided I could date a few guys at the same time. However its feeling like a lot of pressure and I wished I had listen to advice that I was given date one person at a time. Because now I have dating  4 guys and I have dumped one. I have 4 guys to potentially  meet and I only like one guy  in that way. I wished I hadn't spread myself so thin. I'm not sure how I am going to get myself out of this one. Do I send a text or email to all involved? The longer I leave it the worse the outcome will be.

But I question the one I think I like it has only been 2 dates but I smile when I see his name flash up on my phone.Do I like him because he treats me nicely or because I really like him. The conversation flows well and we have stuff in common.  I feel comfortable with him. But I'm so terrified  I will get hurt again . If he finds out I'm dating other guys I'm not sure how well it would go down, probably not at all.

The Weirdness of Online Dating

Online Dating is not  for me. I really gave it a go I signed up for 3 months on a few paid dating  sites. ( Oh I tried but I cant helping thinking what I could of done with the money instead of waste it on this pointless activity) but its not my thing. I cant connect on that level. I like to be able look someone in the eye when I talk to them not type on keyboard or send them a wink. Online Dating is like a weird populairty contest, I edited pics and profile until I was watered down version of myself. You feel like you are trying not to say the wrong thing when someone does speak to you. My current method is dont say too much keep it brief or talk about how akward online dating is.

I have been really open regarding the type of guys I talk to as I still trying to establish what I like in a man apart from honesty.lol. But I generally only respond to people I fancy or people I fancy  and have written an interesting profile. I have had a few dates and I hope to have more in the near future. I have managed to get someone who lives in Birmingham wants  to come down and see me, I didnt ask him to do it. But he feels a need to lol. Im sure why he isnt  going to get a gold star for it .

There has been some slighty puzzling request from one guy im seeing, he really into me coming to see where he works and has told me so much about himself. In some ways its strange to meet someone who is open and isnt trying to hide everything and isnt making up lies about his life.Im not very  trusting anymore and I find myself wandering whats the ulterior motive - what does he want from me.

Despite all this I  think dating is my new hobby as I like meeting people. But the most annoying thing is end of date when the guy says I will be in touch or I will send you a text . 2or 3  days later when you least expect it you get a random text saying I really enjoyed meeting you. I start to think really Are you sure? It took you 2 days to text me, maybe you not that into me.

The next date I go on Im going to try to be the one to say I will be in contact or send you a text. Im not sure why guys think they are the decision is up to them. I feel like please dont act doing me a favour by dating me. Because you are not doing me a favour at all ,  I intend to date a lot and this isnt end of the world if you decide not to date me. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you could  be replaced by someone else.

A poem that made me think of the Ex

I went to a poetry/ storywriting  evening on friday night. It was fun to do something different. There a female poet who read a poem called Please Come Late by Hugo William. It made me think about the Ex  for a while. 

Please Come Late

By Hugo Williams

Please come late,
so that I have almost given you up
and have started glancing round the room,
thinking everyone is you.
Please don’t come
until I have started missing you,
thinking I will never see you again,
praying you are lost.
Come too late for me not to notice.
Make me suffer,
wondering what you are doing
on the other side of town,
still in your dressing gown.
Make me beg for mercy
when you pick up a magazine.
Are you looking in your mirror,
suddenly remembering me?

I’m on my second coffee by now,
eating the little bits of sugar in my cup.
Haven’t you set out yet?
I decide I don’t want to see you after all.
I don’t really like you.
I’d rather be on my own.
I know it is all over between us
But I go on sitting here,
reading a newspaper,
not understanding a word.
If you came in now, I wouldn’t recognize you.
Don’t come anywhere near me
until I have gone slightly mad for love of you.

I think the masochist in me is dead

I use to be so self destructive and self harm, with food, alcohol, relationships with men. But I have changed recently I dont want to do anything to hurt myself anymore.Its almost like I found happiness and joy from life and love myself now.