I started reading a womens magazine called Pride . I has brought some much positivity into my life it has made me a lot fearless. Im really not as scared as I use to be. I woke up on Boxing Day feeling completely different about the Ex . I felt like everything had been erased I didnt feel pain anymore. My day didnt rise and fall on whether he responded or not. I had nothing to lose - he wasnt speaking to me before and if he didnt respond I had really lost anything because he was talking to me before. I think that why I texted him on Boxing Day. I want to be sure its over and he wont return.
I guess sometimes I just think I had an idea of how a relationship should end and I still cant believe this is how it ends. But life isnt fairy tale relationship ended brutally and they can be painful. I guess I still wanted a better ending where he would at least respond to text to say he is ok. I dont want him back I could never want him back but I still care about him.
But Im about to start dating in January in 2011 and Im looking forward to meeting people. I feel that im ready to date properly take it slowly; In the past I have moved at warped speed to only have things crash and burn. Im not looking for anything serious but im not looking for a shag either. But I have a clearer idea of what I want from a man. I love being independent and I love my own space, so much I dont know if I would ever live with a man again.
I like spending time with my friends and I like to do my own thing. Sometimes I wonder if I really suppose to be with someone or maybe I should just be myself. I question whether everyone is suppose to have a partner. I know I dont want to get married and I dont want kids. I think why do I want a relationship?
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