Friday, 12 November 2010
Runaway - Kanye West
Something about this song and video makes me feel sad. I love it but something makes me feel so sad when I listen to it. Maybe because the lyrics are cutting and I relate to the things he says strongly.
Sweat it all out
Why is when you exercise if you don't sweat you feel like doing nothing or not doing it properly. Its like sweat is a sign its working. I have started David Kirsch's 7 - day prescription and I don't always sweat in every exercise session now even thou I'm still working out. I think it will do something for my body . Time will tell watch this space for David Kirsch's 7 - day prescription updates its a mix of half an hour sessions focusing on different areas of the body or sessions like power body,cardiosculpting boot camp and restorative stretch sessions. Its rather fun exercises and it certainly pushes you to your limit but you dont always work up a sweat.
Thursday, 11 November 2010
What I want / Kish Kash
Its strange when you come out the other side of bad experience it can really help focus your mind.
I started grabbing at opportunities that I would normally let pass me by as I was too scared. I have had self defence lessons, cycling lessons , IT lessons, gone to meetings about spirituality. I suddenly realised I need to enjoy my life and learn and focus on new experiences and doing the things I want. I realised before the bad experience I was half a person and I didn't really have any focus or real hobbies. I allowed this other person and their issues to engulf me and I forgot myself it was so much easier to be engulfed by someone else, then when they left me. I had to face facts I had no real life and no real focus or passion. I spoke to a friend about this and he said it was easier to be distracted then focus on myself. I have learned not become wrapped up in anyone I love or care about. I can be with someone and not become wrapped up. Because when you have unwrap yourself from someone is pretty painful.
The cycling lesson was the most fun I have to book another lesson to get round to riding on my own. I really want a folding bike( cos I don't have room for a large bike) I have to get a small frame one as I'm short girl. My general pattern is trying a few bike shops and sitting on bikes get comfortable. I think I will start with Halfords as it close by.
I'm more focused on what I want now, if I see something I want try to take it I procrastinate less. I want to enjoy my life. I have written a list of six things I want. I try not to be distracted from these these six things . I'm a person who is easily distracted by many things friends, the news, social issues, TV. But I'm working hard to remain focused on these things.
1) Lose Weight and keeping a healthy diet and regular exercise from DVDs/prepare myself for a good relationship read self help books and life experiences books. I need to realising I made a lot relationship mistakes in the past and learn from my mistakes. Make an effort to smile and talk to people more. I have to work thru my issues.
2) Doing ECDL - I enjoy this computer course and will be able to put on my CV when I finish : )
3) Looking for a new job - very hard in a recession but I'm trying
4)Cycling lessons - buy a bike. Prepare for driving lessons and start taking lessons
5) Go to Uni - Number 3 and 5 are linked I'm looking for a 9-5 job so I can go to Birbeck Uni in the evening next year 2011 or earlier if I find another job. I currently do shift work and shifts are about to get worse in the near future
6) Finish on my home study writing course, read my play writing books and work towards finish a play so I can submit to Royal Court Theatre. I also feel an urge to do a playwright course. I also want to try an acting course or maybe Amateur Dramatics for fun
PS: Kish Kash one of my favourite albums and I listened to as I wrote this.
I started grabbing at opportunities that I would normally let pass me by as I was too scared. I have had self defence lessons, cycling lessons , IT lessons, gone to meetings about spirituality. I suddenly realised I need to enjoy my life and learn and focus on new experiences and doing the things I want. I realised before the bad experience I was half a person and I didn't really have any focus or real hobbies. I allowed this other person and their issues to engulf me and I forgot myself it was so much easier to be engulfed by someone else, then when they left me. I had to face facts I had no real life and no real focus or passion. I spoke to a friend about this and he said it was easier to be distracted then focus on myself. I have learned not become wrapped up in anyone I love or care about. I can be with someone and not become wrapped up. Because when you have unwrap yourself from someone is pretty painful.
The cycling lesson was the most fun I have to book another lesson to get round to riding on my own. I really want a folding bike( cos I don't have room for a large bike) I have to get a small frame one as I'm short girl. My general pattern is trying a few bike shops and sitting on bikes get comfortable. I think I will start with Halfords as it close by.
I'm more focused on what I want now, if I see something I want try to take it I procrastinate less. I want to enjoy my life. I have written a list of six things I want. I try not to be distracted from these these six things . I'm a person who is easily distracted by many things friends, the news, social issues, TV. But I'm working hard to remain focused on these things.
1) Lose Weight and keeping a healthy diet and regular exercise from DVDs/prepare myself for a good relationship read self help books and life experiences books. I need to realising I made a lot relationship mistakes in the past and learn from my mistakes. Make an effort to smile and talk to people more. I have to work thru my issues.
2) Doing ECDL - I enjoy this computer course and will be able to put on my CV when I finish : )
3) Looking for a new job - very hard in a recession but I'm trying
4)Cycling lessons - buy a bike. Prepare for driving lessons and start taking lessons
5) Go to Uni - Number 3 and 5 are linked I'm looking for a 9-5 job so I can go to Birbeck Uni in the evening next year 2011 or earlier if I find another job. I currently do shift work and shifts are about to get worse in the near future
6) Finish on my home study writing course, read my play writing books and work towards finish a play so I can submit to Royal Court Theatre. I also feel an urge to do a playwright course. I also want to try an acting course or maybe Amateur Dramatics for fun
PS: Kish Kash one of my favourite albums and I listened to as I wrote this.
Losing bits of me
I have had a couple hard months earlier in the year , but I have come out smiling the other side and trying to focus on what I want out of life. I wrote a list of six things I wanted and one of them was to lose weight.
I'm a girl has been overweight for a while. When I was in my late teens my mum had a stroke, I had my contract at my place of work come to an end. So I became a full time carer. I spent my days sitting at home not going out and not seeing friends much as my mum couldn't be left on her own for long. I ate junk food most of the time too exhausted to look after myself properly after caring for my mum. I didn't even notice I was gaining weight , it was other people who noticed when they came to my house or saw me in the street.They always looked horrified and concerned like I was ruining myself. But I never took looks on board I had to many other problems to think about. I think that was a big mistake . I would say to anyone NEVER GET FAT if you can avoid it.
Anyway in July I started to do something about I joined Tony Ferguson Diet and started exercising six days a week. I had to abandon the TF shakes as it got to expensive but I found alternative . I feel so much better eating healthy and exercising
I have nearly lost 2 stones and I'm really proud of myself. I think a lot of people are surprised that I have managed to do this because I'm a girl who starts many things and never finishes them. think I will write more about the ups and downs of new lifestyle and exercise.
I'm a girl has been overweight for a while. When I was in my late teens my mum had a stroke, I had my contract at my place of work come to an end. So I became a full time carer. I spent my days sitting at home not going out and not seeing friends much as my mum couldn't be left on her own for long. I ate junk food most of the time too exhausted to look after myself properly after caring for my mum. I didn't even notice I was gaining weight , it was other people who noticed when they came to my house or saw me in the street.They always looked horrified and concerned like I was ruining myself. But I never took looks on board I had to many other problems to think about. I think that was a big mistake . I would say to anyone NEVER GET FAT if you can avoid it.
Anyway in July I started to do something about I joined Tony Ferguson Diet and started exercising six days a week. I had to abandon the TF shakes as it got to expensive but I found alternative . I feel so much better eating healthy and exercising
I have nearly lost 2 stones and I'm really proud of myself. I think a lot of people are surprised that I have managed to do this because I'm a girl who starts many things and never finishes them. think I will write more about the ups and downs of new lifestyle and exercise.
Online Dating
I have recently joined a few online dating sites im not taking too seriously and logging in once or twice a week. I feel more of an urge to log in once a week to keep things moving slowly as im still not even sure this is a good idea and whether im even ready for this. I find it quite funny when I look thru profiles how ready I am to reject a man based on his looks , it makes me feel quite shallow.
I think I also struggle on how to describe myself am I full figured or curvy. If I put curvy and then someone meets me and thinks im not curvy more full figured , then I have misold myself oh the agony. Im slighty joking about the full figured/ curvy struggle in case you didnt guess.
Its almost like a popularity contest , you want lots of views and winks and men or women to like you enough to email you and boost your ego. I can imagine being on a dating if not getting those things can be depressing the discovery that you are as not as wonderful as you thought you were. I had no such expectation I wasnt expecting much attention cos im a bit different skin colour, size, height and im not the best at writing profiles that make people think I must meet that girl. But its been interesting talking to people not sure if it will lead anywhere.
Its quite interesting being on dating site, to see what people must have in a partner. They must be taller than 5ft 4 , must of gone to university, must be this particular race, must not smoke. must not have kids. I think it encourages a certain pickness and im not sure whether thats a good thing.
I think I also struggle on how to describe myself am I full figured or curvy. If I put curvy and then someone meets me and thinks im not curvy more full figured , then I have misold myself oh the agony. Im slighty joking about the full figured/ curvy struggle in case you didnt guess.
Its almost like a popularity contest , you want lots of views and winks and men or women to like you enough to email you and boost your ego. I can imagine being on a dating if not getting those things can be depressing the discovery that you are as not as wonderful as you thought you were. I had no such expectation I wasnt expecting much attention cos im a bit different skin colour, size, height and im not the best at writing profiles that make people think I must meet that girl. But its been interesting talking to people not sure if it will lead anywhere.
Its quite interesting being on dating site, to see what people must have in a partner. They must be taller than 5ft 4 , must of gone to university, must be this particular race, must not smoke. must not have kids. I think it encourages a certain pickness and im not sure whether thats a good thing.
Aint it funny
I feel an urge to contact a person who is slowly becoming someone from my past. The urge comes and goes. I cant contact him because I don't have is email address and I don't have his number I got rid them when I was purging myself of him. I will not check facebook for him. I just cant bring myself to do it. I feel like to would be taking the scab of a healing wound. I know we made each other unhappy and there is no future for us. Maybe there never was maybe I should accept the writing on the wall. He used me pure and simple its just how some people are. I know now I deserve a lot better.I made so many mistakes and have learned from these experiences . I will be so much calmer now and have less expectations when it comes to love.
Sometimes I just want to know that he is OK and he isn't letting the pressure he is under crush him to pieces.But other times I don't care about him at all and; I hope to never see or hear from him again. But I also cant explain why I think about someone who doesn't care about me its almost like I'm a moth to the flame. I'm becoming curious as I get older why I have a tendency to abandon friends and family in pursuit of someone who doesn't care about me, its something i have done time and time again. I have to learn to treasure the people who love me as they are the only ones that care. I haven't blogged for a while and this has been fun
Sometimes I just want to know that he is OK and he isn't letting the pressure he is under crush him to pieces.But other times I don't care about him at all and; I hope to never see or hear from him again. But I also cant explain why I think about someone who doesn't care about me its almost like I'm a moth to the flame. I'm becoming curious as I get older why I have a tendency to abandon friends and family in pursuit of someone who doesn't care about me, its something i have done time and time again. I have to learn to treasure the people who love me as they are the only ones that care. I haven't blogged for a while and this has been fun
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