Intrigued at First Sight / Despardos in Greenwich 29 - 30 December Henry and Rob

I went out for a few cocktails in Greenwich on Wednesday Night/Thursday Morning. I spotted this guy when he came he wasnt tradtionally handsome in any sense. But I was intrigued by him. My friends and I continued drinking cocktails having a nice time singing along to the music. We had decided that we were going to finish our drinks and go shortly
Then he suddenly came over and sat in the seat next to me . One of my friends for some unknown reason pursed her lips together  and then eventually walked off. She was our lift home so we felt like we couldnt stay and chat. So we got up and left not shortly after they came to sit with us. The thing is I was really interested in one of the guys and I let the chance slip thru my fingers. My friend said he was minging. But I get sometimes get really attracted to guys who arent  traditionally good looking . I think admired his courage to come over and speak to us. I thought he was intriguing and I wanted to get to know him.

But I didnt even offer him my number or email address or even acknowledge I was interested. I stupidly thought I could track him down on Facebook. However that didnt work and now im a bit sulky thinking about a lost opportunity. All I can do is learn from it next time Im interested doing something about it. Sometimes in life you only get one shot.

PS: If you were Despardos on 29/30 and your name is Henry or  Rob get in touch

PPS: Who am I kidding ? The chance is long gone

Intimacy

Since my ex I had 2 lovers. One was a palate cleanser I wasnt even mentally in tune, I just went thru the motions . But it helped me move forward. It was ok experience but I have avoided him since not opting for a repeat performance.

The 2nd ( mr slough) was the most interesting experience I had in a while we didnt actually have sex. But he massaged me , kissed me along my spine and back and touched me so gently like he thought I would break.He would cuddle me and it was so intimate something that I had been missing in my lovelife before. It helped me move on and realise there was better experiences to be had . He would text me several times a week telling me what he wanted to do me, how sexy he thought I was. It stroked my ego and did actually help lift me up. The texts went to in the end lead nowhere and I decided not to see him again as all I was getting was lovely texts and no actual action. I needed the texts to be backed up with actions or maybe he made feel good enough to get back on the dating scene. Whatever it was he made me feel better and helped me move on and realise intimacy is something I need in a relationship.

Bike Girl and SkaterGURL

In a few days I will be getting my first bicycle, im very exicted about riding thru the park on my bike. I like the idea of the fresh air well as fresh as London air can get. Im loving the idea of a new form of exercise.

I bought a skateboard this month , im going to have skateboard lessons in the new year. My friends think im crazy to take up skateboard at 28.But I just love the idea of whizzing thru the park on my board. It will be a challenge and I could get hurt but I just want to do it I can explain. I feel like why not.

The case of the Ex - should I even call him that?

I started reading a womens magazine called Pride . I has brought some much positivity into my life it has made me a lot fearless. Im really not as scared as I use to be. I woke up on Boxing Day feeling completely different about the Ex . I felt like everything had been erased I didnt feel pain anymore. My day didnt rise and fall on whether he responded or not. I had nothing to lose - he wasnt speaking to me before and if he didnt respond I had really lost anything because he was talking to me before. I think that why I texted him on Boxing Day. I want to be sure its over and he wont return.
I guess sometimes I just think I had an idea of how a relationship should end and I still cant believe this is how it ends. But life isnt fairy tale relationship ended brutally and they can be painful. I guess I still wanted a better ending where he would at least respond to text to say he is ok. I dont want him back I could never want him back but I still care about him.

But Im about to start dating in January in 2011 and Im looking forward to meeting people. I feel that im ready to date properly take it slowly; In the past I have moved at warped speed to only have things crash and burn. Im not looking for anything serious but im not looking for a shag either. But I have a clearer idea of what I want from a man. I love being independent and I love my own space, so much I dont know if I would ever live with a man again.
I like spending time with my friends and I like to do my own thing. Sometimes I wonder if I really suppose to be with someone or maybe I should just be myself. I question whether everyone is suppose to have a partner. I know I dont want to get married and I dont want kids. I think why do I want a relationship?

Lazy Blogger

Im quite glad no one is reading this because there is no pressure to update regularly. : ) I can be a lazy as I want. Maybe one day I will be accidently discovered. But I cant really be bothered to promote my blog. When you have an audience you have to be a bit more responisble and I think it can make you edit yourself. My favourite line from my movie of the Year - The Social Network. The internet is written in ink not pencil. You have to be careful what you put out there as you cant always take it back.

Runaway - Kanye West

Something about this song and video makes me feel sad. I love it but something makes me feel so sad when I listen to it. Maybe because the lyrics are cutting and I relate to the things he says strongly.

Sweat it all out

Why is when you exercise if you don't sweat you feel like doing nothing or not doing it properly. Its like sweat is a sign its working. I have started David Kirsch's 7 - day prescription and I don't always sweat in every exercise session now even thou I'm still working out. I think it will do something for my body . Time will tell watch this space for David Kirsch's 7 - day prescription updates its a mix of half an hour sessions focusing on different areas of the body or sessions like power body,cardiosculpting boot camp and restorative stretch sessions. Its rather fun exercises and it certainly pushes you to your limit but you dont always work up a sweat.

What I want / Kish Kash

Its strange when you come out the other side of bad experience it can really help focus your mind.
I started grabbing at opportunities that I would normally let pass me by as I was too scared. I have had self defence lessons, cycling lessons , IT lessons, gone to meetings about spirituality. I suddenly realised I need to enjoy my life and learn and focus on new experiences and doing the things I want. I realised before the bad experience I was half a person and I didn't really have any focus or real hobbies. I allowed this other person and their issues to engulf me and I forgot myself it was so much easier to be engulfed by someone else, then when they left me. I had to face facts I had no real life and no real focus or passion. I spoke to a friend about this and he said it was easier to be distracted then focus on myself. I have learned not become wrapped up in anyone I love or care about. I can be with someone and not become wrapped up. Because when you have unwrap yourself from someone is pretty painful.

The cycling lesson was the most fun I have to book another lesson to get round to riding on my own. I really want a folding bike( cos I don't have room for a large bike) I have to get a small frame one as I'm short girl. My general pattern is trying a few bike shops and sitting on bikes get comfortable. I think I will start with Halfords as it close by.

I'm more focused on what I want now, if I see something I want try to take it I procrastinate less. I want to enjoy my life. I have written a list of six things I want. I try not to be distracted from these these six things . I'm a person who is easily distracted by many things friends, the news, social issues, TV. But I'm working hard to remain focused on these things.

1) Lose Weight and keeping a healthy diet and regular exercise from DVDs/prepare myself for a good relationship read self help books and life experiences books. I need to realising I made a lot relationship mistakes in the past and learn from my mistakes. Make an effort to smile and talk to people more. I have to work thru my issues.
2) Doing ECDL - I enjoy this computer course and will be able to put on my CV when I finish : )
3) Looking for a new job - very hard in a recession but I'm trying
4)Cycling lessons - buy a bike. Prepare for driving lessons and start taking lessons
5) Go to Uni - Number 3 and 5 are linked I'm looking for a 9-5 job so I can go to Birbeck Uni in the evening next year 2011 or earlier if I find another job. I currently do shift work and shifts are about to get worse in the near future
6) Finish on my home study writing course, read my play writing books and work towards finish a play so I can submit to Royal Court Theatre. I also feel an urge to do a playwright course. I also want to try an acting course or maybe Amateur Dramatics for fun

PS: Kish Kash one of my favourite albums and I listened to as I wrote this.

Losing bits of me

I have had a couple hard months earlier in the year , but I have come out smiling the other side and trying to focus on what I want out of life. I wrote a list of six things I wanted and one of them was to lose weight.


I'm a girl has been overweight for a while. When I was in my late teens my mum had a stroke, I had my contract at my place of work come to an end. So I became a full time carer. I spent my days sitting at home not going out and not seeing friends much as my mum couldn't be left on her own for long. I ate junk food most of the time too exhausted to look after myself properly after caring for my mum. I didn't even notice I was gaining weight , it was other people who noticed when they came to my house or saw me in the street.They always looked horrified and concerned like I was ruining myself. But I never took looks on board I had to many other problems to think about. I think that was a big mistake . I would say to anyone NEVER GET FAT if you can avoid it.

Anyway in July I started to do something about I joined Tony Ferguson Diet and started exercising six days a week. I had to abandon the TF shakes as it got to expensive but I found alternative . I feel so much better eating healthy and exercising

I have nearly lost 2 stones and I'm really proud of myself. I think a lot of people are surprised that I have managed to do this because I'm a girl who starts many things and never finishes them. think I will write more about the ups and downs of new lifestyle and exercise.

Online Dating

I have recently joined a few online dating sites im not taking too seriously and logging in once or twice a week. I feel more of an urge to log in once a week to keep things moving slowly as im still not even sure this is a good idea and whether im even ready for this. I find it quite funny when I look thru profiles how ready I am to reject a man based on his looks , it makes me feel quite shallow.

I think I also struggle on how to describe myself am I full figured or curvy. If I put curvy and then someone meets me and thinks im not curvy more full figured , then I have misold myself oh the agony. Im slighty joking about the full figured/ curvy struggle in case you didnt guess.

Its almost like a popularity contest , you want lots of views and winks and men or women to like you enough to email you and boost your ego. I can imagine being on a dating if not getting those things can be depressing the discovery that you are as not as wonderful as you thought you were. I had no such expectation I wasnt expecting much attention cos im a bit different skin colour, size, height and im not the best at writing profiles that make people think I must meet that girl. But its been interesting talking to people not sure if it will lead anywhere.

Its quite interesting being on dating site, to see what people must have in a partner. They must be taller than 5ft 4 , must of gone to university, must be this particular race, must not smoke. must not have kids. I think it encourages a certain pickness and im not sure whether thats a good thing.

Aint it funny

I feel an urge to contact a person who is slowly becoming someone from my past. The urge comes and goes. I cant contact him because I don't have is email address and I don't have his number I got rid them when I was purging myself of him. I will not check facebook for him. I just cant bring myself to do it. I feel like to would be taking the scab of a healing wound. I know we made each other unhappy and there is no future for us. Maybe there never was maybe I should accept the writing on the wall. He used me pure and simple its just how some people are. I know now I deserve a lot better.I made so many mistakes and have learned from these experiences . I will be so much calmer now and have less expectations when it comes to love.

Sometimes I just want to know that he is OK and he isn't letting the pressure he is under crush him to pieces.But other times I don't care about him at all and; I hope to never see or hear from him again. But I also cant explain why I think about someone who doesn't care about me its almost like I'm a moth to the flame. I'm becoming curious as I get older why I have a tendency to abandon friends and family in pursuit of someone who doesn't care about me, its something i have done time and time again. I have to learn to treasure the people who love me as they are the only ones that care. I haven't blogged for a while and this has been fun

Feeling a bit mixed up

Over the last couple of months I started living with someone for the first time in my life .I moaned to friends about his bad habits and then did some snopping around and discovered somethings I wished I hadnt discovered and that I could of been told about upfront,but life isnt like that. Life can be painful and unpredictable . The things I discovered have sent me on journey of self discovery and now I see things from a different point of view, but sometimes I wonder if my point of view is really my point of view or has it been coloured by the other person.

Do I really believe it ok to have secrets from you partner ? Do you have to know your partner inside out? Do you have to intimate all the time to show the other person you still fancy them and care about them? Do you have to go on dates ? Do you have to meet your partner friends?
I believe that you if you give every little bit of yourself to your partner and they leave you if can be crushing. I dont want to be crushed at all. I like my privacy and I like to have secrets. I have secrets and I dont think there is anyone in my life who knows everything little thing about me. I wonder if my if my expectations have been coloured by too many movies . The one thing I feel that I was in rush to make things happen I wanted so much all at once. I think I ruined it and I share a certain amount of responsiblity for the pain I feel, because I did it to myself. Sometimes I feel like I made so mistakes that its best if I start with someone fresh, but I dont think I have any emotional energy left to consider dating anyone else for a while, but remain open to option of shag lol.

The Seven Things I want

There are 8 things I want in my life and I wonder if I will ever get them.
The 8 things are

1) To lose weight - I know lots of girls say this but I actually need to. I think so many issues are linked to my weight. I know im on the right path my diet has been bettter than it has been for years. Im no longer an emotional eater but I can still be and emotional drinker if upset. Im doing exercise dvds at home including the biggest loser and hannah waterman.

2) I would like to an ECDL course I have a good knowledge of computers but I have no qualification

3) I want to get a new job in Admin or Events. I have wanted to work in events for a while I think it would be the best use of my skills.


4) Learn how to drive - I want to learn to drive as skill I dont think I would want to drive everywhere but to have the skill.

5) A Degree in English I would love to study the English Language. I have always enjoyed reading and writing and learning new things.


6) Work on my plays. I have many ideas and I need to find focus to make some moves and get some feedback on my ideas.


7) Finish the homestudy creative writing course I started many years ago. I think this will be a difficult task but I think I can learn things that will help to improve my writing in the long term.

Im going to start blogging again

Its been a 2 year break Im now 28 and no wiser, so lets just see what happens