Its that time of year

Date: Nov 26, 2006


I'm still getting a few offers and I'm thinking about it. I do wander why I'm denying myself sex. Something so natural.I know that I have decided I needed to experience relationship and still believe that. The negative part of me believe whats the point of heading towards a relationship it will only end in tears.I know the way things were going before I was getting my hopes and then getting the dashed or having my time wasted. I have become incredibly sensitive when it comes to men. I get incredibly hopefully and then when it doesn't work out and I feel very hurt.

I did take the plunge and ask the potential boyfriend if he was interested I got the slightly confusing answer. "I see us as just friends right now, anything more would be up to you. " I think we will be staying just friends.I have been thinking about my new year resolutions. I have been thinking about trying to become a better citizen coming to aid of people who look like they might need help.

Instead of doing the typical london thing of ignoring them. Im going to give up my seat to old people on the bus. I want to focus on my writing course and read all the books on my shelf that I have never read. I want my own home and better body and to be driving by the end of this year.I realised the other day that since my mother died I have started to suffer with down moods I wont call it depression. I also realised that I have really shut myself down to starting with new relationships with people.

Maybe subconsciously I'm scared that they will die so I try not to make friends/lovers.I went to amsterdam last weekend with a friend. Its such chilled out place and the food is so lovely and fresh. I enjoyed a canal ride.I did go to the red light district. It was interesting to be in such an open minded place.

My friend and I did kind of feel a sorry for the women/ prosistutes sitting in a window and being stared at by member's of the public.Then we got offered some coke and estacy from a drug dealer and decided this wasn't where we needed to be. I did buy a space cake from a shop and got stoned for the first time. Getting stoned gave me a peace that I haven't had before. I stopped worrying about everything and everyone, it was took me back to happy time, I even felt some relief from grieving for my mum.But getting stoned isn't about to become a part of my life. Its more likely to be the occasional treat.

I like being alert and awake and motivated too much.I find myself getting so organised and focused I have started writing list of things to do. Its such a nerdy thing to do. I get a little nerdy buzz of ticking things of the list. I'm making a book I'm calling my bible. Its going to have all the info I need to remember and things I need to refer to address, ex partners, phone numbers,my plans, other info. I'm trying very hard to make myself be more organized to make my life calmer. I want to travel more next year and I have written a list of places I want to go.

I definitely want to visit amsterdam next summer.I do love this time of year even thou I wasn't raised to celebrate christmas. I have always loved seeing the lights and the general vibe of the coming weeks. Everyone makes an effort to be nicer to each other and there are always chocolates about. I remember my mum would always cook a nice meal and we would have lots of snacks around and spent a lot time just eating and watching telly.I was allowed to stay up late.

From christmas eve till just after new years day. My home was so chilled out.Oh those were the days. It would just be my mother and me for that two week period with the occasional visit outside.I do miss the intimate relationship of mother and daughter. There is no other relationship like it. Sometime you love each other sometime you hate each other. But even when you hate each other underneath it there still love.