Date:May 29, 2007
I sent a article to the london paper . A few weeks ago they havent published it yet. I dont think they will. So instead I thought I would it on my blog.
***** Get up Stand up ****
I have to admit standing up for you is hard. I don’t stand up for myself enough in life... I find it hard to get my point a cross everyone has better point of view. Im so easily swayed. I normally end conversations with phrase I will think about it when I have no intention of doing that. That phrase gives hope to the other person.I have bought self help books to help assist with my problem of standing up for myself, But those book sit on the shelf unread. Im writing this column to talk about my experience of trying to stand up for my views. The other day I was walking down the street and I saw something I was so offended by I felt I had to complain. It was outrageous.
It was an advert for a gambling website. I found really offensive the way the advert was so openly reducing women to sex objects. These women were faceless sex objects. Many people would have ignored it or just say sex sells these days and left at that. But I didn’t I made a stand for the sisterhood and myself. My problem isn’t the ad; it’s the decision to have displayed on the side of a bus. I emailed my complaint and clicked on send. . I eagerly awaited a response tell me I was right to complain and they were going to remove this ad from the sides of buses and burn them so that they could never be seen again by the general public again or reduce it to mens’magazines only .
I got response over the weekend and the ad seems to not have been offensive as I thought. An ad has to offend the majority before it can be considered as offensive..But I believe Adverts should focus on selling their product not sex or the idea of sex.I am also trying to complain to everyone who can assist in this matter. I have emailed my local mp, TFL who are display the ad, sex discriminationorganisations.
I am of course appealing the decision by the agency because I feel have to stand up for the sisterhood and myself. But if I honest I don’t think the agency will change their minds. I have to admit I may have lost the plot and be taking this far too personally
Wednesday, 30 May 2007
Where is the logic
Date: May 22, 2007
This morning while moving my bed , I accidently tore a bag. I have had this bag for years. I popped in Primark to get a replacement. I have ended up buying four bags to replace one. Where is the logic in that. I maybe in grip of a shopping addiction, but the new bags are lovely.
This morning while moving my bed , I accidently tore a bag. I have had this bag for years. I popped in Primark to get a replacement. I have ended up buying four bags to replace one. Where is the logic in that. I maybe in grip of a shopping addiction, but the new bags are lovely.
My ideal man
Date: May 15, 2007
I have been thinking alot about what I want in man. I would like the following things-
Please note I'm not trying to sell myself to prospective partners on this blog. Just talking about things
I have been thinking alot about what I want in man. I would like the following things-
- good sense of humour-
- smells nice and looks after his appearance-
- healthy-
- good looking-
- sexually adventurous
- has a job-
- honest-
- kind - love and adore me.-
- not to much older than me.
- I'm loyal -
- I'm really nice girl,
- -I'm attractive and have a nice shape for a fat girl-
- I wouldn't demand monogamy in a long term relationship, but I would expect honesty and discretion for both of us.
- -I don't want children.-
- I sometimes lie,-
- I'm quite open,
- I can cook but probably not as well as your mother.
- -I would demand space to do my own thing from time to time.-
- I'm loving and very giving.-
- I dress well and smell nice. -
- I also have a job- I
- 'm sexually open minded-
- I have a good sense of humour
Please note I'm not trying to sell myself to prospective partners on this blog. Just talking about things
Steve Hooper
Date: May 15, 2007
There is a male porn star called Steve Hooper. He is so sexy and gorgeous and manly. I love his body and lovely cock and the way he wears glasses to make himself look more intelligent.
In my fantasy we would like have sex in a really nice hotel after going for a nice meal somewhere swish.The other day I found out he does escort work.
However knowing that I could make my fantasy become reality. Has made me realise I would rather fantasise about doing it than actually do it with him. Partly because paying for sex isn't my style and not really part of my fantasy
There is a male porn star called Steve Hooper. He is so sexy and gorgeous and manly. I love his body and lovely cock and the way he wears glasses to make himself look more intelligent.
In my fantasy we would like have sex in a really nice hotel after going for a nice meal somewhere swish.The other day I found out he does escort work.
However knowing that I could make my fantasy become reality. Has made me realise I would rather fantasise about doing it than actually do it with him. Partly because paying for sex isn't my style and not really part of my fantasy
Break the chain
Date:May 15, 2007
Regular readers will remember a blog , I laughed until I cried. It was about a guy I met from this site slept had fabulous sex with and wanted to do it again. He became a male escort or was attempting to be one. He sent me an email offer his services and I laughed until I cried as I thought it was a reflect of what he thought. I was so ugly and so fat that I would have to pay for it.
Anyway I few months ago, I lent my old number mobile to a friend as she was in a bit of a situation. Hardly anyone ever texts me on so it was too difficult to part with it. I got the phone back and to my surprise there was a text from that guy, asking if I wanted to meet up .
I explained current no entry situation. He was cool with it and kept sending me texts saying how he couldn't stop thinking about having sex with me . It was flattering and I felt sexy.This flirting continued , he asked me for shot of my private parts and thought why not and he asked for a further shots and again I thought why not.
He then asked if had my own place. I responded no and didn't tell him of plans to get one as he isn't the kind of man I would want knowing where I lived. I kind of knew once I told him I didn't have my own place he would go quiet
Once again this man has made a fool of me. I feel silly for texting him back only for him to ignore me now.I texted him to give him a piece of my mind , just to make me feel better. I'm trying to break the pattern of men don't treat me well, so even if he does get back to me . He has lost his chance
Regular readers will remember a blog , I laughed until I cried. It was about a guy I met from this site slept had fabulous sex with and wanted to do it again. He became a male escort or was attempting to be one. He sent me an email offer his services and I laughed until I cried as I thought it was a reflect of what he thought. I was so ugly and so fat that I would have to pay for it.
Anyway I few months ago, I lent my old number mobile to a friend as she was in a bit of a situation. Hardly anyone ever texts me on so it was too difficult to part with it. I got the phone back and to my surprise there was a text from that guy, asking if I wanted to meet up .
I explained current no entry situation. He was cool with it and kept sending me texts saying how he couldn't stop thinking about having sex with me . It was flattering and I felt sexy.This flirting continued , he asked me for shot of my private parts and thought why not and he asked for a further shots and again I thought why not.
He then asked if had my own place. I responded no and didn't tell him of plans to get one as he isn't the kind of man I would want knowing where I lived. I kind of knew once I told him I didn't have my own place he would go quiet
Once again this man has made a fool of me. I feel silly for texting him back only for him to ignore me now.I texted him to give him a piece of my mind , just to make me feel better. I'm trying to break the pattern of men don't treat me well, so even if he does get back to me . He has lost his chance
Closed for Business
Date: May 7, 2007
I went to the doctor, my cervix is closed. This is the reason i have been having problems sexuallly. So I have to await the results of smear aka pap test before I know what is wrong.
I told my aunt who has found that being stressed can cause the cervix to close treatment involves medication and in extreme situations a minor operations.I did think I was that stressed out.
I was a bit worried I had cervical cancer, because i had a few of the symptoms. But Im trying to be positive and hope that its just a closed cervix.
The cervix can best be described a tunnel that you stick your cock or finger in. I cant help if its my body physically stopping me for having sex. Having sex with is closed cervix is so painful. I dont want to have sex till its all sorted.
I went to the doctor, my cervix is closed. This is the reason i have been having problems sexuallly. So I have to await the results of smear aka pap test before I know what is wrong.
I told my aunt who has found that being stressed can cause the cervix to close treatment involves medication and in extreme situations a minor operations.I did think I was that stressed out.
I was a bit worried I had cervical cancer, because i had a few of the symptoms. But Im trying to be positive and hope that its just a closed cervix.
The cervix can best be described a tunnel that you stick your cock or finger in. I cant help if its my body physically stopping me for having sex. Having sex with is closed cervix is so painful. I dont want to have sex till its all sorted.
Turning Twenty Five
Date: Apr 29, 2007
I recently turned 25. Its been emotional and a bit of soul searching. In the weeks coming up to my birthday I was racking my brain feeling scared and wondering what had i achieved in my 25 years on the planet. I also thought about I wanted in my future as well. I have come over the other side now.
I accept that I do want to get married one day , I want to focus on my writing. I want to travel and I want to drive. I want to be hedonist in moderation. I want my sex drive back so that I can explore my sexuality and sexual experiences again. I want to be in a loving and caring relationship in the near future.I want to make myself happy and cut away people in my life who don't make me happy.
I'm a anxious worrier who lacks confidence in her self. I can be very mistrusting of people and paranoid.I'm far too honest. I'm a good girl and I stick to the rules.Nice girls come last.But since turning 25 I feeling more safe in my skin and more confident and maybe more happy
I recently turned 25. Its been emotional and a bit of soul searching. In the weeks coming up to my birthday I was racking my brain feeling scared and wondering what had i achieved in my 25 years on the planet. I also thought about I wanted in my future as well. I have come over the other side now.
I accept that I do want to get married one day , I want to focus on my writing. I want to travel and I want to drive. I want to be hedonist in moderation. I want my sex drive back so that I can explore my sexuality and sexual experiences again. I want to be in a loving and caring relationship in the near future.I want to make myself happy and cut away people in my life who don't make me happy.
I'm a anxious worrier who lacks confidence in her self. I can be very mistrusting of people and paranoid.I'm far too honest. I'm a good girl and I stick to the rules.Nice girls come last.But since turning 25 I feeling more safe in my skin and more confident and maybe more happy
Topsy Turvy
Date: Apr 29, 2007
Life is strange, you think things are going to go one way but it ends up going the other way.I'm suppose to be buying a flat but it looks like it going to fall thru. My heart was set on it . But I'm going to have to forget about it. I'm thought I had found the one but its looks like I'm going to have to find another one I like. I had started looking at furniture and imagining inviting friend round for meals and entertaining.
But now I have to stop thinking about those things again and start the search for a flat again. Its back to drawing board or back to square one again.Another thing I have found strange, is my inability to attract ladies. I'm not ugly and have a shapely body for a plus size girl.At the begin of the year when I decided I wanted to satisfy my bi curious side. I thought it would be relatively easy to get some pussy.
But nothing has happen. I have made one female friend. Girls must be harder to pull.Towards the end of the week I will go and see my doctor to see if I can get refer to gynecologist in regards to my sexual pain problem. I have noticed drinking less alcohol has made it less painful.
Im working on firming up pelvic floor muscles to see if that helps. I'm also going to see if I get refer to counselor to sort out a few issues.I have to see if I can help some help and figure out a few things.
Life is strange, you think things are going to go one way but it ends up going the other way.I'm suppose to be buying a flat but it looks like it going to fall thru. My heart was set on it . But I'm going to have to forget about it. I'm thought I had found the one but its looks like I'm going to have to find another one I like. I had started looking at furniture and imagining inviting friend round for meals and entertaining.
But now I have to stop thinking about those things again and start the search for a flat again. Its back to drawing board or back to square one again.Another thing I have found strange, is my inability to attract ladies. I'm not ugly and have a shapely body for a plus size girl.At the begin of the year when I decided I wanted to satisfy my bi curious side. I thought it would be relatively easy to get some pussy.
But nothing has happen. I have made one female friend. Girls must be harder to pull.Towards the end of the week I will go and see my doctor to see if I can get refer to gynecologist in regards to my sexual pain problem. I have noticed drinking less alcohol has made it less painful.
Im working on firming up pelvic floor muscles to see if that helps. I'm also going to see if I get refer to counselor to sort out a few issues.I have to see if I can help some help and figure out a few things.
Missing : My sex drive
Date: Apr 8, 2007
Last weekend I had to confront an issue that I had been ignoring for 2 years. My sex drive is declining and I dont know why. I tried different partners thinking they were the problem not me. But now I have to confront I have sexual problems.All I know is that Im not enjoying sex anymore.
I have issues focusing and relaxing with any partner. I know that I havent really enjoyed sex since my mother died two years ago.Sometimes I get pain during sex and I have ask the person im with to stop. Sometimes I cant feel my partner inside me which leads me to feeling bored and obviously lacking focus during sex.I have noticed that when I masturbate I sometimes get pain when I start to climax.
But these seems to stop if I drink lots of water and exercise.I know that lack of regular partner isnt helping the issue. I use to think if I met the right sexual partner all my problems would disolve away. But now I know it me not them. Im not sure what to do about these problem.
I think I will have pluck up the courage to see my doctor and hopefully get refered to gynagolist. Although I dont believe that all of problem is physical , I think its a mixture of physical and mental block when it comes to sex.Wish me luck.
Last weekend I had to confront an issue that I had been ignoring for 2 years. My sex drive is declining and I dont know why. I tried different partners thinking they were the problem not me. But now I have to confront I have sexual problems.All I know is that Im not enjoying sex anymore.
I have issues focusing and relaxing with any partner. I know that I havent really enjoyed sex since my mother died two years ago.Sometimes I get pain during sex and I have ask the person im with to stop. Sometimes I cant feel my partner inside me which leads me to feeling bored and obviously lacking focus during sex.I have noticed that when I masturbate I sometimes get pain when I start to climax.
But these seems to stop if I drink lots of water and exercise.I know that lack of regular partner isnt helping the issue. I use to think if I met the right sexual partner all my problems would disolve away. But now I know it me not them. Im not sure what to do about these problem.
I think I will have pluck up the courage to see my doctor and hopefully get refered to gynagolist. Although I dont believe that all of problem is physical , I think its a mixture of physical and mental block when it comes to sex.Wish me luck.
This friendship kind of sucks
Date: Mar 30, 2007
Im not sure how to say it may seem bad thing to say. But sometimes I wander if certain people who are my friends are really my friends. Im far too kind to my friends. Sometimes I feel used by friends and feel like breaking it off with them .We have been friends for such a long time. . I went to school with some of these friends so it would be hard to break up.
The problems nothing major the usual stuff, people forgetting the owe you money,lack of support in a crisis, setting you up with guys and when it goes wrong not willing to apologise.Its hard to get the balance right with friends.
You love and care about them but at some point you have to be tougher with them. Sometimes with friends you out grow the friendship and hard as it might be you have to leave them behind as longer you stay the more unhappy you will be
Im not sure how to say it may seem bad thing to say. But sometimes I wander if certain people who are my friends are really my friends. Im far too kind to my friends. Sometimes I feel used by friends and feel like breaking it off with them .We have been friends for such a long time. . I went to school with some of these friends so it would be hard to break up.
The problems nothing major the usual stuff, people forgetting the owe you money,lack of support in a crisis, setting you up with guys and when it goes wrong not willing to apologise.Its hard to get the balance right with friends.
You love and care about them but at some point you have to be tougher with them. Sometimes with friends you out grow the friendship and hard as it might be you have to leave them behind as longer you stay the more unhappy you will be
Im not sure what to call it
Date: Mar 30, 2007
Its been a while not much has happen. I went on a blind date in early Jan with a guy. My friend set me up with him and he was nice but he was leaving the country and didn't know when he was coming back.We chatted online from time to time and began to like him. But three months in the long distance was doing my head in, so I tried to end it.
However this lead to us actually meeting when he was a brief stop here. He came back to mine and one thing lead to another. It was a very nice but I think he maybe a compulsive liar. After my friend told he nice but he id full of stuffing aka shit. Something if I had known previously I would have never of got involved with him. I could of killed her for this.
Since doing it with him, I'm kind of less interested in him, its like the sex satisfied my curiosity and I'm now not that interested in him. The sex wasn't bad or anything. It was sexy and romantic. I guess I thought it would bring us together but its done the opposite as far as I'm concerned.
Plus we have spoken less since we did it.In other news things are looking up I'm starting to looking for my own home again and starting driving lessons again. This time I'm more focused on both tasks. I'm hoping to get focused on my writing course and my diet and exercise in the next couple of weeks.
Its been a while not much has happen. I went on a blind date in early Jan with a guy. My friend set me up with him and he was nice but he was leaving the country and didn't know when he was coming back.We chatted online from time to time and began to like him. But three months in the long distance was doing my head in, so I tried to end it.
However this lead to us actually meeting when he was a brief stop here. He came back to mine and one thing lead to another. It was a very nice but I think he maybe a compulsive liar. After my friend told he nice but he id full of stuffing aka shit. Something if I had known previously I would have never of got involved with him. I could of killed her for this.
Since doing it with him, I'm kind of less interested in him, its like the sex satisfied my curiosity and I'm now not that interested in him. The sex wasn't bad or anything. It was sexy and romantic. I guess I thought it would bring us together but its done the opposite as far as I'm concerned.
Plus we have spoken less since we did it.In other news things are looking up I'm starting to looking for my own home again and starting driving lessons again. This time I'm more focused on both tasks. I'm hoping to get focused on my writing course and my diet and exercise in the next couple of weeks.
The end of my casual sex life
Date: Feb 12, 2007
Today I met someone and its something I haven't done for a while. I realise I'm older and wiser now. He really nice and gentle and good with his hands. Hopefully we will meet again soon.But I realise
I have got incredibly shy sexually and things will need to go very slowly. Its very hard for me to relax with someone sexually these days I'm not sure why.I'm going to find it too hard to keep going thru men and meeting men for sex.
So I have decided to stop meeting men for sex. I'm going to buy myself rabbit vibrators and hold it out. As I cant put myself thru the ordeal of meeting men.
Today I met someone and its something I haven't done for a while. I realise I'm older and wiser now. He really nice and gentle and good with his hands. Hopefully we will meet again soon.But I realise
I have got incredibly shy sexually and things will need to go very slowly. Its very hard for me to relax with someone sexually these days I'm not sure why.I'm going to find it too hard to keep going thru men and meeting men for sex.
So I have decided to stop meeting men for sex. I'm going to buy myself rabbit vibrators and hold it out. As I cant put myself thru the ordeal of meeting men.
Messenger, Men and Movies
Date: Jan 18, 2007
I had recently removed both messengers from my pc. It was getting on my nerves and I was never getting anything done and I was wasting my time.Its a early days but I'm feeling happier with out it. I'm getting more done. I'm going out more instead staying in to chat on line. I admit my life had got that sad.I recently realised I have a lot of issues with men. I don't hate men that would be harsh.
No guy has ever physical hurt me or left barefoot and pregnant. I like don't married men, A guy I had been emailing and getting kind of close to as a friend, revealed he was married and a secret.I was so mad at him, I sent him an email giving my opinion on things that probably wasn't my place to say.
I did feel an overwhelming need to say these things for this I'm not sorry. But maybe it could of been said in a kinder way.I don't like betrayal of any sort or any lying. I don't like liars. I get extremely scared when people lie to me or aren't honest with me. Its the one thing that makes me crazy. I cant or wont control what I say in response. I believe honest rules. I wish I could find a way to resolve my issues with men.
The causes might I grew up with a father for most of life. I acquired a step dad when I was 18 , who is sly and I do not trust.I have numerous partners some who lied and wasted my time and none who ever gave a shit about me.To be honest I never gave a shit some of them actually most of them. The icing on the cake, a male friend I acquired in the midst of these times. I didn't think our friendship would last forever.
But when it ended suddenly it was probably one of the most painful things I had gone thru. Maybe I took all my pain out the married guy as I'm probably still angry at the male friend and the sudden end to our friendship. Maybe I was scared and was protecting my heart.All I know in the meantime while I sort myself out. I will read a few self help books see if I can resolve my issues.
I will be trying to explore my bi curious side . It will be an experimental experience.I don't think I would see myself in longterm same sex relationship. I have always wanted to explore my bi curious side but I'm just finding the guts to try and do this. I'm hoping the sex will be gentle and sweet
.Movies - Because I'm not sitting on messenger . I'm now reviving my social life and getting back to my hobbies. One of is going to the cinema. I have watched a few movies Perfume - Its fairy tale like but found it a bit bizarre. Last King of Scotland - amazing gripping and and all main actors put in great performances and kerry washington has a great ass. The pursuit of happyness- I really enjoyed its about over coming your struggles and making it thru.Smokin Aces - A nice little shoot up movie.
Movies I am looking forward to - Babel, Venus, Rocky Balboa, Dream girls and I'm considering trying to catch - Employee of the month for some comic relief.I'm also considering taking some dance classes or acting classes. Its more likely to be acting classes as I'm not always a good dancer.
I had recently removed both messengers from my pc. It was getting on my nerves and I was never getting anything done and I was wasting my time.Its a early days but I'm feeling happier with out it. I'm getting more done. I'm going out more instead staying in to chat on line. I admit my life had got that sad.I recently realised I have a lot of issues with men. I don't hate men that would be harsh.
No guy has ever physical hurt me or left barefoot and pregnant. I like don't married men, A guy I had been emailing and getting kind of close to as a friend, revealed he was married and a secret.I was so mad at him, I sent him an email giving my opinion on things that probably wasn't my place to say.
I did feel an overwhelming need to say these things for this I'm not sorry. But maybe it could of been said in a kinder way.I don't like betrayal of any sort or any lying. I don't like liars. I get extremely scared when people lie to me or aren't honest with me. Its the one thing that makes me crazy. I cant or wont control what I say in response. I believe honest rules. I wish I could find a way to resolve my issues with men.
The causes might I grew up with a father for most of life. I acquired a step dad when I was 18 , who is sly and I do not trust.I have numerous partners some who lied and wasted my time and none who ever gave a shit about me.To be honest I never gave a shit some of them actually most of them. The icing on the cake, a male friend I acquired in the midst of these times. I didn't think our friendship would last forever.
But when it ended suddenly it was probably one of the most painful things I had gone thru. Maybe I took all my pain out the married guy as I'm probably still angry at the male friend and the sudden end to our friendship. Maybe I was scared and was protecting my heart.All I know in the meantime while I sort myself out. I will read a few self help books see if I can resolve my issues.
I will be trying to explore my bi curious side . It will be an experimental experience.I don't think I would see myself in longterm same sex relationship. I have always wanted to explore my bi curious side but I'm just finding the guts to try and do this. I'm hoping the sex will be gentle and sweet
.Movies - Because I'm not sitting on messenger . I'm now reviving my social life and getting back to my hobbies. One of is going to the cinema. I have watched a few movies Perfume - Its fairy tale like but found it a bit bizarre. Last King of Scotland - amazing gripping and and all main actors put in great performances and kerry washington has a great ass. The pursuit of happyness- I really enjoyed its about over coming your struggles and making it thru.Smokin Aces - A nice little shoot up movie.
Movies I am looking forward to - Babel, Venus, Rocky Balboa, Dream girls and I'm considering trying to catch - Employee of the month for some comic relief.I'm also considering taking some dance classes or acting classes. Its more likely to be acting classes as I'm not always a good dancer.
New Year Resolution 2007
Date: Dec 31, 2006
Since displaying my 2006 Resolution online helped me stay focused.
I thought I would do it again.
The 2007 Resolutions are
Since displaying my 2006 Resolution online helped me stay focused.
I thought I would do it again.
The 2007 Resolutions are
- Work on my self as a person/ read all the self help books I have purchased over the years
- Go clubbing more
- Make more friends and have less lovers
- Wear short skirts and show off my great pins
- Learn to drive
- Exercise Regularly
- Focus on my writing course
- Look after myself
- Don't waste my money on stuff I don't need.
- Let sleeping dogs lie.
The date
Date: Dec 31, 2006
My friend recently set me up with a guy. This was first time I have been on date with someone I haven't met via the internet.He was cute and nice and I liked him. We walked to Trafalgar Square. He asked me if he could kiss me. I thought he might of on meant on the cheek or on the lips ( no tongue). But then he starts slipping the tongue in. I was a bit surprised. Maybe I have been out of the game to long.
Kissing with tongues felt a bit wrong. I had just met him. It was hard to stop ask him to stop cos he was a good kisser. But I asked him stop partly cos we were in very public place and just didn't feel ready.I know he got offended and thought I didn't like him. But I do believe in taking things slowly when you are both looking for a relationship.Plus even thou I like him,I'm not sure trust him.
Thou he said he was looking for a relationship I suspect he might just be looking for a shag. So I will be taking things slowly with him, and I don't care if he gets blue / heavy balls. He is going on away on holiday tomorrow. So I have to wait and see what happens when he comes back
My friend recently set me up with a guy. This was first time I have been on date with someone I haven't met via the internet.He was cute and nice and I liked him. We walked to Trafalgar Square. He asked me if he could kiss me. I thought he might of on meant on the cheek or on the lips ( no tongue). But then he starts slipping the tongue in. I was a bit surprised. Maybe I have been out of the game to long.
Kissing with tongues felt a bit wrong. I had just met him. It was hard to stop ask him to stop cos he was a good kisser. But I asked him stop partly cos we were in very public place and just didn't feel ready.I know he got offended and thought I didn't like him. But I do believe in taking things slowly when you are both looking for a relationship.Plus even thou I like him,I'm not sure trust him.
Thou he said he was looking for a relationship I suspect he might just be looking for a shag. So I will be taking things slowly with him, and I don't care if he gets blue / heavy balls. He is going on away on holiday tomorrow. So I have to wait and see what happens when he comes back
New Year Resolution 2006 Passed / Failed
Date: Dec 31, 2006
These were my resolutions. Some are a bit silly but by doing these things I hope to be a better person.
Healthy diet, eat more veg and fruit and a lot less junk food - Failed
Exercise more Yoga, use the exercise bike in the living room, keeping going to the gym -Failed stop borrowing money from my stepdad before payday, manage my money better - Passed
have regular manicure and pedicures/ always look my best - Passed
Read more especially feminist literature - Failed
work on my writing and finish one story by the end of the year - Failed
drink less alcohol - Passed
spend time more my own ( learn to enjoy solitude)- Passed
show off my shoulders - PassedGo clubbing more - Failed
Go to my first music gig or music festival - Failed
Go to the theatre and cinema more on my own - Passed
So its a mixed bag of passed and failed resolutions. It has helped me achieve some things I have wanted to achieve. So I will doing be doing the resolution thing again online.I learned self reliance this year, which can be hard lesson to learn. Its me and me alone.I also learnt im stronger than ever thought I was.
I am doing a job that I never thought I was cut out for and im coping very well. Im proud of my self . Im getting strong enough to say no to a guy if I dont think he is right for me or isnt treating me right. I am learning to respect my body.
These were my resolutions. Some are a bit silly but by doing these things I hope to be a better person.
Healthy diet, eat more veg and fruit and a lot less junk food - Failed
Exercise more Yoga, use the exercise bike in the living room, keeping going to the gym -Failed stop borrowing money from my stepdad before payday, manage my money better - Passed
have regular manicure and pedicures/ always look my best - Passed
Read more especially feminist literature - Failed
work on my writing and finish one story by the end of the year - Failed
drink less alcohol - Passed
spend time more my own ( learn to enjoy solitude)- Passed
show off my shoulders - PassedGo clubbing more - Failed
Go to my first music gig or music festival - Failed
Go to the theatre and cinema more on my own - Passed
So its a mixed bag of passed and failed resolutions. It has helped me achieve some things I have wanted to achieve. So I will doing be doing the resolution thing again online.I learned self reliance this year, which can be hard lesson to learn. Its me and me alone.I also learnt im stronger than ever thought I was.
I am doing a job that I never thought I was cut out for and im coping very well. Im proud of my self . Im getting strong enough to say no to a guy if I dont think he is right for me or isnt treating me right. I am learning to respect my body.
For Sexual Purpose's Only
Date: Dec 7, 2006
This post is a bit of moan I guess. Its about men. Its about those men who respond to your ad . You give them your messenger address and we becomes clear you not going to jump into bed with them they end the conversation. I think is so rude and narrow minded. It makes me feel like im only for sexual purposes and if im not putting out im not worth talking to. I sometimes think this site can colour people views of sex. It can give such a one track mind that they forget that they are talking to actual people who have feelings. I do remember in early days on this site if someone didnt want to put out. I would nt continue to talk to them as it was waste of my time. But these experiences have made me realise I was very rude. I understand this is a site which about meeting people who are looking for sex. But have a some manners please
This post is a bit of moan I guess. Its about men. Its about those men who respond to your ad . You give them your messenger address and we becomes clear you not going to jump into bed with them they end the conversation. I think is so rude and narrow minded. It makes me feel like im only for sexual purposes and if im not putting out im not worth talking to. I sometimes think this site can colour people views of sex. It can give such a one track mind that they forget that they are talking to actual people who have feelings. I do remember in early days on this site if someone didnt want to put out. I would nt continue to talk to them as it was waste of my time. But these experiences have made me realise I was very rude. I understand this is a site which about meeting people who are looking for sex. But have a some manners please
The right to have sex
Date : Dec 7, 2006
Some guy thought I didn't have a right to be on the site because I had an std which stays in my system for life. I could understand if I was lying to people about it. I'm upfront and honest. I don't consider herpes to a big deal for me. I'm not really looking for sexual partners from here anymore. The reason I stay here is because I like it here and raise awareness about h and just to let other people who have h that they aren't alone.For the record I'm not asking anyone to have sex with me. I'm here and if guys want to and I'm feeling in right mood which is very unlikely these days. Then it can happen.
Some guy thought I didn't have a right to be on the site because I had an std which stays in my system for life. I could understand if I was lying to people about it. I'm upfront and honest. I don't consider herpes to a big deal for me. I'm not really looking for sexual partners from here anymore. The reason I stay here is because I like it here and raise awareness about h and just to let other people who have h that they aren't alone.For the record I'm not asking anyone to have sex with me. I'm here and if guys want to and I'm feeling in right mood which is very unlikely these days. Then it can happen.
Its that time of year
Date: Nov 26, 2006
I'm still getting a few offers and I'm thinking about it. I do wander why I'm denying myself sex. Something so natural.I know that I have decided I needed to experience relationship and still believe that. The negative part of me believe whats the point of heading towards a relationship it will only end in tears.I know the way things were going before I was getting my hopes and then getting the dashed or having my time wasted. I have become incredibly sensitive when it comes to men. I get incredibly hopefully and then when it doesn't work out and I feel very hurt.
I did take the plunge and ask the potential boyfriend if he was interested I got the slightly confusing answer. "I see us as just friends right now, anything more would be up to you. " I think we will be staying just friends.I have been thinking about my new year resolutions. I have been thinking about trying to become a better citizen coming to aid of people who look like they might need help.
Instead of doing the typical london thing of ignoring them. Im going to give up my seat to old people on the bus. I want to focus on my writing course and read all the books on my shelf that I have never read. I want my own home and better body and to be driving by the end of this year.I realised the other day that since my mother died I have started to suffer with down moods I wont call it depression. I also realised that I have really shut myself down to starting with new relationships with people.
Maybe subconsciously I'm scared that they will die so I try not to make friends/lovers.I went to amsterdam last weekend with a friend. Its such chilled out place and the food is so lovely and fresh. I enjoyed a canal ride.I did go to the red light district. It was interesting to be in such an open minded place.
My friend and I did kind of feel a sorry for the women/ prosistutes sitting in a window and being stared at by member's of the public.Then we got offered some coke and estacy from a drug dealer and decided this wasn't where we needed to be. I did buy a space cake from a shop and got stoned for the first time. Getting stoned gave me a peace that I haven't had before. I stopped worrying about everything and everyone, it was took me back to happy time, I even felt some relief from grieving for my mum.But getting stoned isn't about to become a part of my life. Its more likely to be the occasional treat.
I like being alert and awake and motivated too much.I find myself getting so organised and focused I have started writing list of things to do. Its such a nerdy thing to do. I get a little nerdy buzz of ticking things of the list. I'm making a book I'm calling my bible. Its going to have all the info I need to remember and things I need to refer to address, ex partners, phone numbers,my plans, other info. I'm trying very hard to make myself be more organized to make my life calmer. I want to travel more next year and I have written a list of places I want to go.
I definitely want to visit amsterdam next summer.I do love this time of year even thou I wasn't raised to celebrate christmas. I have always loved seeing the lights and the general vibe of the coming weeks. Everyone makes an effort to be nicer to each other and there are always chocolates about. I remember my mum would always cook a nice meal and we would have lots of snacks around and spent a lot time just eating and watching telly.I was allowed to stay up late.
From christmas eve till just after new years day. My home was so chilled out.Oh those were the days. It would just be my mother and me for that two week period with the occasional visit outside.I do miss the intimate relationship of mother and daughter. There is no other relationship like it. Sometime you love each other sometime you hate each other. But even when you hate each other underneath it there still love.
I'm still getting a few offers and I'm thinking about it. I do wander why I'm denying myself sex. Something so natural.I know that I have decided I needed to experience relationship and still believe that. The negative part of me believe whats the point of heading towards a relationship it will only end in tears.I know the way things were going before I was getting my hopes and then getting the dashed or having my time wasted. I have become incredibly sensitive when it comes to men. I get incredibly hopefully and then when it doesn't work out and I feel very hurt.
I did take the plunge and ask the potential boyfriend if he was interested I got the slightly confusing answer. "I see us as just friends right now, anything more would be up to you. " I think we will be staying just friends.I have been thinking about my new year resolutions. I have been thinking about trying to become a better citizen coming to aid of people who look like they might need help.
Instead of doing the typical london thing of ignoring them. Im going to give up my seat to old people on the bus. I want to focus on my writing course and read all the books on my shelf that I have never read. I want my own home and better body and to be driving by the end of this year.I realised the other day that since my mother died I have started to suffer with down moods I wont call it depression. I also realised that I have really shut myself down to starting with new relationships with people.
Maybe subconsciously I'm scared that they will die so I try not to make friends/lovers.I went to amsterdam last weekend with a friend. Its such chilled out place and the food is so lovely and fresh. I enjoyed a canal ride.I did go to the red light district. It was interesting to be in such an open minded place.
My friend and I did kind of feel a sorry for the women/ prosistutes sitting in a window and being stared at by member's of the public.Then we got offered some coke and estacy from a drug dealer and decided this wasn't where we needed to be. I did buy a space cake from a shop and got stoned for the first time. Getting stoned gave me a peace that I haven't had before. I stopped worrying about everything and everyone, it was took me back to happy time, I even felt some relief from grieving for my mum.But getting stoned isn't about to become a part of my life. Its more likely to be the occasional treat.
I like being alert and awake and motivated too much.I find myself getting so organised and focused I have started writing list of things to do. Its such a nerdy thing to do. I get a little nerdy buzz of ticking things of the list. I'm making a book I'm calling my bible. Its going to have all the info I need to remember and things I need to refer to address, ex partners, phone numbers,my plans, other info. I'm trying very hard to make myself be more organized to make my life calmer. I want to travel more next year and I have written a list of places I want to go.
I definitely want to visit amsterdam next summer.I do love this time of year even thou I wasn't raised to celebrate christmas. I have always loved seeing the lights and the general vibe of the coming weeks. Everyone makes an effort to be nicer to each other and there are always chocolates about. I remember my mum would always cook a nice meal and we would have lots of snacks around and spent a lot time just eating and watching telly.I was allowed to stay up late.
From christmas eve till just after new years day. My home was so chilled out.Oh those were the days. It would just be my mother and me for that two week period with the occasional visit outside.I do miss the intimate relationship of mother and daughter. There is no other relationship like it. Sometime you love each other sometime you hate each other. But even when you hate each other underneath it there still love.
Resistance is futile
Date: Nov 12, 2006
Its been a two months and maybe a couple weeks or maybe three months since I last had sex.I was doing so well and focusing on other things. Im still pretty sure that I dont want to return to having sex with strangers. However this wasnt how I planned things to be. In my plan I was suppose to stop having sex with strangers and find a loving relationship. However the loving relationship has eluded me.
So now im without sex and horny but most of the time I can control the level of horniness but its get a little out of control. I went to dinner with a male friend / potential boyfriend.He was changing his top and I saw his stomach and it looked very sexy and i realised he had quite sexy arms. I dont know if I have being starving so that the reason he looks good or whether I really like him. Its the old chesnut - Im too scared to ask him if he likes me in that way, in case he doesnt and we damage the friendship. Im also not sure whether I really like him in that way or just been single for too long.
I need to give it more time to figure it out.The reason I called him potential boyfriend is he has alot of the qualities I like and always pays for my meal and tickets when we go out. Im quite a few interested offers in my in box and im starting to feel resistance is futile. But the thought I might regret it is looming in my head. I had made a promise to save my self for my next loving relationship but its harder than I thought it would be.
In other new Albums of the week - Justin Timberlake - Futurelovesexsounds - a very sexy and emotional listen one for the lovers.Amy Winehouse - Back to Black - Im loving this album I relate to Amy and her views on love especially songs - back to black and love is losing game.
Also shout out to Ms Hilton her album is very britney like but a good listen
Its been a two months and maybe a couple weeks or maybe three months since I last had sex.I was doing so well and focusing on other things. Im still pretty sure that I dont want to return to having sex with strangers. However this wasnt how I planned things to be. In my plan I was suppose to stop having sex with strangers and find a loving relationship. However the loving relationship has eluded me.
So now im without sex and horny but most of the time I can control the level of horniness but its get a little out of control. I went to dinner with a male friend / potential boyfriend.He was changing his top and I saw his stomach and it looked very sexy and i realised he had quite sexy arms. I dont know if I have being starving so that the reason he looks good or whether I really like him. Its the old chesnut - Im too scared to ask him if he likes me in that way, in case he doesnt and we damage the friendship. Im also not sure whether I really like him in that way or just been single for too long.
I need to give it more time to figure it out.The reason I called him potential boyfriend is he has alot of the qualities I like and always pays for my meal and tickets when we go out. Im quite a few interested offers in my in box and im starting to feel resistance is futile. But the thought I might regret it is looming in my head. I had made a promise to save my self for my next loving relationship but its harder than I thought it would be.
In other new Albums of the week - Justin Timberlake - Futurelovesexsounds - a very sexy and emotional listen one for the lovers.Amy Winehouse - Back to Black - Im loving this album I relate to Amy and her views on love especially songs - back to black and love is losing game.
Also shout out to Ms Hilton her album is very britney like but a good listen
Out the blue
Date: Nov 12, 2006
I saw an email friend who I had sex with twice walking across train station exit with his partner. The experience was overwhelming I thought I was going to sick. I was glad i had my nine old cousin to hold my hand. My e-mail friend and I had talked for more than a year about our problems and our experience using the site. We had become quite close as friends. Then one day out of blue he sent me an email saying he had had confessed everythinhg to his partner the affairs, having sex with me and our email friendship.
They had decided to patch things up. He would no longer email me. He said iff I didnt hear from him I should assume he was truly happy.It was a bit of shock when he ended the friendship but I tried to act like it didnt matter. But I later realised that it was one of the most painful experience I have had. I was very hurt but maybe I shouldnt depended on the friendship lasting.I know it was a for the best as you should be talking to partner about your problems not an outside party
I saw an email friend who I had sex with twice walking across train station exit with his partner. The experience was overwhelming I thought I was going to sick. I was glad i had my nine old cousin to hold my hand. My e-mail friend and I had talked for more than a year about our problems and our experience using the site. We had become quite close as friends. Then one day out of blue he sent me an email saying he had had confessed everythinhg to his partner the affairs, having sex with me and our email friendship.
They had decided to patch things up. He would no longer email me. He said iff I didnt hear from him I should assume he was truly happy.It was a bit of shock when he ended the friendship but I tried to act like it didnt matter. But I later realised that it was one of the most painful experience I have had. I was very hurt but maybe I shouldnt depended on the friendship lasting.I know it was a for the best as you should be talking to partner about your problems not an outside party
Single and Hunting
Date: Oct 24, 2006
I don't know if I mentioned I was going to singles party. Any way I went to one on friday night and I wasn't very successful. I attracted a young man who had one part of his shirt tucked in and crumbs around his mouth. I was surprised when he asked for my number and I gave him my number because I felt like I couldn't say no.He has being calling but I haven't answered my phone. He isn't my type.
Everyone who attended had their photo taken and you could put your flirt card under their photo if you fancied them and wanted to know them better.However it didn't really work for me because I never been the kind of person to look at a photo and know whether I wanted to date a person . I could tell if I fancy them and thats about it.I also attracted a 41 year old male. But I feel the age gap is too big and we probably wont want the same things. I did use my flirt cards but so far I haven't heard anything yet and I'm not holding my breath.Its funny going out on the hunt for a man has made me realise that I may not want one unless he is right for me and I wont date someone who isn't right . I don't feel like I'm in any rush to meet one of the many people who could be right for me. The best thing about the night was the chocolate fountain where you could dip fruit and other food .
The music was good as well I had a good boogie.So now the only hunting I will be doing is flat hunting for my new home. I had been feeling a bit depressed and anxious about being single and other things. I had got into a very negative place where I imagined that all my friends and family and colleagues didn't really like me. They were putting up with me because they felt sorry for me.
Sometimes I get so paranoid you think I smoked cannabis.But I'm feeling much better. I think winter makes you feel depressed and lonely. I have also decided no to bother with people who cant be bothered to contact me. I feel like I shouldn't waste my energy or love giving it to people who don't return it. Loving a person who does not return your love can be a very draining experience
I don't know if I mentioned I was going to singles party. Any way I went to one on friday night and I wasn't very successful. I attracted a young man who had one part of his shirt tucked in and crumbs around his mouth. I was surprised when he asked for my number and I gave him my number because I felt like I couldn't say no.He has being calling but I haven't answered my phone. He isn't my type.
Everyone who attended had their photo taken and you could put your flirt card under their photo if you fancied them and wanted to know them better.However it didn't really work for me because I never been the kind of person to look at a photo and know whether I wanted to date a person . I could tell if I fancy them and thats about it.I also attracted a 41 year old male. But I feel the age gap is too big and we probably wont want the same things. I did use my flirt cards but so far I haven't heard anything yet and I'm not holding my breath.Its funny going out on the hunt for a man has made me realise that I may not want one unless he is right for me and I wont date someone who isn't right . I don't feel like I'm in any rush to meet one of the many people who could be right for me. The best thing about the night was the chocolate fountain where you could dip fruit and other food .
The music was good as well I had a good boogie.So now the only hunting I will be doing is flat hunting for my new home. I had been feeling a bit depressed and anxious about being single and other things. I had got into a very negative place where I imagined that all my friends and family and colleagues didn't really like me. They were putting up with me because they felt sorry for me.
Sometimes I get so paranoid you think I smoked cannabis.But I'm feeling much better. I think winter makes you feel depressed and lonely. I have also decided no to bother with people who cant be bothered to contact me. I feel like I shouldn't waste my energy or love giving it to people who don't return it. Loving a person who does not return your love can be a very draining experience
Im back and ready to be seen in public again
Date: Oct 2, 2006
Things are really looking up for me. Im looking to buy my first home. So Im looking around home for possible homes. I will be starting driving lessons again in the new year. The job isnt going as well as I want so I am thinking I may need to move on jobwise. Im back at the gym working out and treating myself to suanas, steams and manicure and pedicure. I will be also having my first bikini wax and I will be taking it all off. Hopefully it wont hurt too much.The other thing im focusing on is my writing course.
I will be taking another small trip to Europe as I have decided I love to travel. Im also thinking about going to Mexico in the new year maybe in Summer.Sexwise I am not doing anything partly due to low sex drive and plus I am saving for my next loving relationshipI dont know if I have changed my mind about relationships. But I dont want to fuck around with strangers anymore. I would rather be with someone I love. I know relationships have the potential for me to get very hurt. But I figure I was fucking around to prevent myself getting hurt. But in the long term I think I probably did hurt myself. So I might as well try to go for the real thing and live my life instead of being scared.Im probably repeating myself
Regarding my mother I still miss her and think of her everyday. In times of distress I crave her more as my mother always had the right advice and truly cared about me. My other family members care about me but they also have other priorties as well. But I do feel I get stronger figuring things out on my own.
Things are really looking up for me. Im looking to buy my first home. So Im looking around home for possible homes. I will be starting driving lessons again in the new year. The job isnt going as well as I want so I am thinking I may need to move on jobwise. Im back at the gym working out and treating myself to suanas, steams and manicure and pedicure. I will be also having my first bikini wax and I will be taking it all off. Hopefully it wont hurt too much.The other thing im focusing on is my writing course.
I will be taking another small trip to Europe as I have decided I love to travel. Im also thinking about going to Mexico in the new year maybe in Summer.Sexwise I am not doing anything partly due to low sex drive and plus I am saving for my next loving relationshipI dont know if I have changed my mind about relationships. But I dont want to fuck around with strangers anymore. I would rather be with someone I love. I know relationships have the potential for me to get very hurt. But I figure I was fucking around to prevent myself getting hurt. But in the long term I think I probably did hurt myself. So I might as well try to go for the real thing and live my life instead of being scared.Im probably repeating myself
Regarding my mother I still miss her and think of her everyday. In times of distress I crave her more as my mother always had the right advice and truly cared about me. My other family members care about me but they also have other priorties as well. But I do feel I get stronger figuring things out on my own.
Whats up doc???
Date: Aug 31, 2006
Well im feeling alot better in myself with this no shagging thing. I do wander who that girl was and will she come back at some point.Alot of the people who were in my life at the time have more or less faded out. So its become easier to move on. Its about a year since most of it. I sometimes fail to remember things and it feels like it didnt really happen.
My main focus is my creative writing course and learning to drive which I will start again in mid september.I am not sleeping with fuckbuddy cos I am suffering with a low sex drive and prefer to have more meaningful sex. I am not really desiring sex at the moment. Its probably not fair on him for me to be like this.
But I wont force myself.I went on date last week with this guy from the lock and key party. He was really atractive but I dont think he fancied me but liked my company. We have arranged to go the cinema in the near future. Its coming up to a year since my mum died and its becoming quite obvious she isnt come back and I have be crying a lot and going to see her at the cememtary.
I am actually suprised but I think it gets harder to deal with the fact someone has gone the more time that passes not easier
Well im feeling alot better in myself with this no shagging thing. I do wander who that girl was and will she come back at some point.Alot of the people who were in my life at the time have more or less faded out. So its become easier to move on. Its about a year since most of it. I sometimes fail to remember things and it feels like it didnt really happen.
My main focus is my creative writing course and learning to drive which I will start again in mid september.I am not sleeping with fuckbuddy cos I am suffering with a low sex drive and prefer to have more meaningful sex. I am not really desiring sex at the moment. Its probably not fair on him for me to be like this.
But I wont force myself.I went on date last week with this guy from the lock and key party. He was really atractive but I dont think he fancied me but liked my company. We have arranged to go the cinema in the near future. Its coming up to a year since my mum died and its becoming quite obvious she isnt come back and I have be crying a lot and going to see her at the cememtary.
I am actually suprised but I think it gets harder to deal with the fact someone has gone the more time that passes not easier
When you cant sleep in the middle of the night
Date: Aug 20, 2006
I cant sleep tonight I have taken sleeping pills,headache pills, and pills for my possible allergies. Nothing has worked I cant get to sleep.So I have got up to do my latest blog. Well Im alright I guess. Im not sure I like my new work surroundings. I still like the job even thou the pressure is higher now.
I might start looking for something else. The dating event was fun. It was I gave my number to one boy who asked and another boy gave me his number. But I think I want to be single and not dating. Its early days but I havent heardanything from either.I cant be arsed with game playing that comes with dating and the stress of a relationship it may lead to. I did get too drunk and end up snoging a guy in a bar across the road from the event.
It was just to prove a point that there was is no difference between kissing black girls and white girls. If I was sober I wouldnt of fallen for it but I wasnt sober. Anyway no harm done he turned out to a be a good kisser.It was shortly after kiss I had realised there was a link between good kissing and good oral sex. If someone is a good kisser its very likely they will be good at oral sex. As they know how to use their tongue.
I cant sleep tonight I have taken sleeping pills,headache pills, and pills for my possible allergies. Nothing has worked I cant get to sleep.So I have got up to do my latest blog. Well Im alright I guess. Im not sure I like my new work surroundings. I still like the job even thou the pressure is higher now.
I might start looking for something else. The dating event was fun. It was I gave my number to one boy who asked and another boy gave me his number. But I think I want to be single and not dating. Its early days but I havent heardanything from either.I cant be arsed with game playing that comes with dating and the stress of a relationship it may lead to. I did get too drunk and end up snoging a guy in a bar across the road from the event.
It was just to prove a point that there was is no difference between kissing black girls and white girls. If I was sober I wouldnt of fallen for it but I wasnt sober. Anyway no harm done he turned out to a be a good kisser.It was shortly after kiss I had realised there was a link between good kissing and good oral sex. If someone is a good kisser its very likely they will be good at oral sex. As they know how to use their tongue.
Nobody likes change
Date:Aug 16, 2006
Well I have started at the new place. I dont really like it. You are under a lot of pressure and picked up on errors and not really praised for good work. Its the kind of enviroment that I fear will eventually wear me down. No one responds well to negative comments all the time.
But I need to give time before start look for something else. Because most people dont react well to change. There are good things about the new place. Its a nicer working environment. But I have seen another job I like the look of so I might apply for that. As its case if you dont try you may regret it.
In other news im getting slighty anxious about the lock and key party.
Im anxious as I have realised that I do quite enjoy my single life and I may not want to be with someone.I am anxious that no one will fancy as I will probably one of the bigger girls in the room. I have also decided to officially end my thing with the guy who has the girlfriend.
Partly because I cant be bothered to go all the way to see him as he lives the other side of London. Plus I think I deserve better than to feast on scraps.Although the sex is the best I have ever had it turns out I need more
Well I have started at the new place. I dont really like it. You are under a lot of pressure and picked up on errors and not really praised for good work. Its the kind of enviroment that I fear will eventually wear me down. No one responds well to negative comments all the time.
But I need to give time before start look for something else. Because most people dont react well to change. There are good things about the new place. Its a nicer working environment. But I have seen another job I like the look of so I might apply for that. As its case if you dont try you may regret it.
In other news im getting slighty anxious about the lock and key party.
Im anxious as I have realised that I do quite enjoy my single life and I may not want to be with someone.I am anxious that no one will fancy as I will probably one of the bigger girls in the room. I have also decided to officially end my thing with the guy who has the girlfriend.
Partly because I cant be bothered to go all the way to see him as he lives the other side of London. Plus I think I deserve better than to feast on scraps.Although the sex is the best I have ever had it turns out I need more
Erotic Memoirs
Date: Aug 2, 2006
As I wannabee writer. I am finding this genre a bit offensive and lazy. It lacks imagination.Anyone can sit down a list their lovers and say what they did with them.I could tell some stories to but I would rather not. I went into a book yesterday to buy the new Melissa P book.
Although Mellisa P belongs to sex memoirs genre. Her book is exceptional.I am avid buyer of books I don't always read them as soon as buy them. But I do buy quite a few books.I have recently noticed a new genre - Erotic Memoirs. They involve a woman or man giving a blow by blow account of part of sex life or their whole sex life. Books like A Year of Yes by Maria Headley, My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler, The diaries of Internet Lover by Dawn Porter, Diary Manhattan Call Girl by Tracey Quan, Gods Call girl, The Baker,The Butcher, The Candlestick Maker. The Game.
Some of these books are good fun reads others not so good. But I'm not sure why people feel the need to everybody what they have got up in bed and with who and what toys they used and what his cum tasted like. In other news I started at the new work place today. I feel like I have had rug pulled from under me. I feel like I'm starting all over again.Hopefully once I finish my training I will feel better
As I wannabee writer. I am finding this genre a bit offensive and lazy. It lacks imagination.Anyone can sit down a list their lovers and say what they did with them.I could tell some stories to but I would rather not. I went into a book yesterday to buy the new Melissa P book.
Although Mellisa P belongs to sex memoirs genre. Her book is exceptional.I am avid buyer of books I don't always read them as soon as buy them. But I do buy quite a few books.I have recently noticed a new genre - Erotic Memoirs. They involve a woman or man giving a blow by blow account of part of sex life or their whole sex life. Books like A Year of Yes by Maria Headley, My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler, The diaries of Internet Lover by Dawn Porter, Diary Manhattan Call Girl by Tracey Quan, Gods Call girl, The Baker,The Butcher, The Candlestick Maker. The Game.
Some of these books are good fun reads others not so good. But I'm not sure why people feel the need to everybody what they have got up in bed and with who and what toys they used and what his cum tasted like. In other news I started at the new work place today. I feel like I have had rug pulled from under me. I feel like I'm starting all over again.Hopefully once I finish my training I will feel better
It turned out nice
Date:Jul 31, 2006
My weekend actually turned out nice. I went to see the breakup and really enjoyed it. I have a crush on Vince Vaughan and Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer is so pretty.I booked my ticket for my dating event (lock and key party) and so has my friend. My other friend maybe coming to. I really don't like to mix my friends. I always find the take dislike to each other or don't get on well.I haven't really decided what I want relationship wise. But I have recently decided that I will not be with anyone who wont go down on me.On Sunday - My friend and I went to Hyde Park and hung out in the sunshine. We gossiped, shared our men woes and checked out boys and had a good old laugh.
Today - I fucked or got fucked by an old fuck buddy. It was really good I was really enjoyed it. There is something about the sex with him that I don't get elsewhere. We don't have much in common. So we don't talk much. Our little shag fest was spoilt by him getting a text form his girlfriend saying she was on her way. Before you could say Jack Robinson. I was out on my ear. As we had been drinking I did feel rather rejected and I had to bite my lip to stop myself from bursting into tears once I left his flat.I wouldn't bother with I'm if the sex wasn't as good as it is. Avid readers if I have any -this is the canceled 3some guy I was fucking last summer.
My driving lesson was good but I have decided to stop seeing my driving instructor as. I don't want learn manual and I prefer to learn automatic. Plus he is charging too much.I am doing a home study writing course. I have to start focusing on my writing course as I want to be a good writer and focus on my driving. I have decided by the end of the year I want to be driving and have completed a few good short stories.
Song of the week - Nelly Furtado - Promiscuous Girl Feat Timbaland.
My weekend actually turned out nice. I went to see the breakup and really enjoyed it. I have a crush on Vince Vaughan and Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer is so pretty.I booked my ticket for my dating event (lock and key party) and so has my friend. My other friend maybe coming to. I really don't like to mix my friends. I always find the take dislike to each other or don't get on well.I haven't really decided what I want relationship wise. But I have recently decided that I will not be with anyone who wont go down on me.On Sunday - My friend and I went to Hyde Park and hung out in the sunshine. We gossiped, shared our men woes and checked out boys and had a good old laugh.
Today - I fucked or got fucked by an old fuck buddy. It was really good I was really enjoyed it. There is something about the sex with him that I don't get elsewhere. We don't have much in common. So we don't talk much. Our little shag fest was spoilt by him getting a text form his girlfriend saying she was on her way. Before you could say Jack Robinson. I was out on my ear. As we had been drinking I did feel rather rejected and I had to bite my lip to stop myself from bursting into tears once I left his flat.I wouldn't bother with I'm if the sex wasn't as good as it is. Avid readers if I have any -this is the canceled 3some guy I was fucking last summer.
My driving lesson was good but I have decided to stop seeing my driving instructor as. I don't want learn manual and I prefer to learn automatic. Plus he is charging too much.I am doing a home study writing course. I have to start focusing on my writing course as I want to be a good writer and focus on my driving. I have decided by the end of the year I want to be driving and have completed a few good short stories.
Song of the week - Nelly Furtado - Promiscuous Girl Feat Timbaland.
Pissed Off- This weekend looks like its going to be shit
Date: Jul 28, 2006
My weekend is looking like a washout. I am really angry and pissed off. I dont know why I bother with other people. I am suppose to be going for first driving lesson . I asked my instructor to comfirm. No confirmation received.I arranged with a friend to see the movie - The Break Up and she cancels today as she forgot her sister was coming down to see her. I have delayed seeing this movie for a week just because of her.
I am also waiting for her to confirming a dating event we are suppose to be attending. I hate having to put my life on hold for someone else. I am so pissed off I feel like booking my ticket and just letting her know I have done it. I am also suppose to be going to fancy dress party, I have texted my friend twice I ask her address and I am still waiting for a response. I feel like not going to the party now cos Im pissed off with her.
On Sunday I am suppose to be meeting a friend but she wants to wait till Sunday to confirm a meeting place. What the fuck is wrong with people?I am suppose to be meeting an old friend no strings fun on Monday , but I am still waiting for a response. Knowing my luck he will probably cancelI want you yell and scream but I will look unstable. I hate when people let me down. This probably why I try to be independent as possible.
When your plans depend on others it all goes tits up. People are really rubbing me up the wrong way.I plan my life around my days off I just want to have a good time when I am off work. But instead its looking like its going to be shitty.Plus I feel like I am coming down with a cold
My weekend is looking like a washout. I am really angry and pissed off. I dont know why I bother with other people. I am suppose to be going for first driving lesson . I asked my instructor to comfirm. No confirmation received.I arranged with a friend to see the movie - The Break Up and she cancels today as she forgot her sister was coming down to see her. I have delayed seeing this movie for a week just because of her.
I am also waiting for her to confirming a dating event we are suppose to be attending. I hate having to put my life on hold for someone else. I am so pissed off I feel like booking my ticket and just letting her know I have done it. I am also suppose to be going to fancy dress party, I have texted my friend twice I ask her address and I am still waiting for a response. I feel like not going to the party now cos Im pissed off with her.
On Sunday I am suppose to be meeting a friend but she wants to wait till Sunday to confirm a meeting place. What the fuck is wrong with people?I am suppose to be meeting an old friend no strings fun on Monday , but I am still waiting for a response. Knowing my luck he will probably cancelI want you yell and scream but I will look unstable. I hate when people let me down. This probably why I try to be independent as possible.
When your plans depend on others it all goes tits up. People are really rubbing me up the wrong way.I plan my life around my days off I just want to have a good time when I am off work. But instead its looking like its going to be shitty.Plus I feel like I am coming down with a cold
Lack of Sex
Date: Jul 23, 2006
Its been a couple of interesting days. I feel like a teenager again and thats not a good thing.Sometimes I get into a slump in my life. I get really lazy I stop going to the gym. I watch a lot of porn and masturbate with out focus. I watch sex and the city dvds and drink wine. I don't answer the phone. I also sleep a lot.
When I was a teenager I wasted my time staying in my room masturbating and then going to sleep.These were not good times. Life is to be enjoyed not spent sitting in your house wasting your time.I think its lack of sex which is making slumpy as I like to call it. I might be sleeping with an old fbuddy next week to relieve the tension.But he likes to cancel at the last minute so who knows.
Even thou I'm in a slump and not harnessing my sexual energy by masturbating regularly. I am so happy I'm not sleeping with strangers anymore. I am relieved I saw the light.My creative writing course was really helping as it gave me something to focus on but I finished my two assessment and I have to wait for my next assessment to arrive in the post.Unfortunately there will be six month gaps from writing a letter to my sponsored child and receiving a response. So it wont be taking up as much as my time as I hoped.
I was suppose to go to art gallery this morning but I spent most the day watching on line porn and masturbating which isn't good. I need to make more friends and go out more. I hope to go to more music gigs and clubs and try new things.
I also have my first driving lesson next week and will be attending a dating event next month. I don't think I'm actually looking to meet someone for a relationship but I do like meeting people its fun.
Its been a couple of interesting days. I feel like a teenager again and thats not a good thing.Sometimes I get into a slump in my life. I get really lazy I stop going to the gym. I watch a lot of porn and masturbate with out focus. I watch sex and the city dvds and drink wine. I don't answer the phone. I also sleep a lot.
When I was a teenager I wasted my time staying in my room masturbating and then going to sleep.These were not good times. Life is to be enjoyed not spent sitting in your house wasting your time.I think its lack of sex which is making slumpy as I like to call it. I might be sleeping with an old fbuddy next week to relieve the tension.But he likes to cancel at the last minute so who knows.
Even thou I'm in a slump and not harnessing my sexual energy by masturbating regularly. I am so happy I'm not sleeping with strangers anymore. I am relieved I saw the light.My creative writing course was really helping as it gave me something to focus on but I finished my two assessment and I have to wait for my next assessment to arrive in the post.Unfortunately there will be six month gaps from writing a letter to my sponsored child and receiving a response. So it wont be taking up as much as my time as I hoped.
I was suppose to go to art gallery this morning but I spent most the day watching on line porn and masturbating which isn't good. I need to make more friends and go out more. I hope to go to more music gigs and clubs and try new things.
I also have my first driving lesson next week and will be attending a dating event next month. I don't think I'm actually looking to meet someone for a relationship but I do like meeting people its fun.
Paris and other things
Date: Jul 11, 2006
My recent trip to Paris by myself was wonderful. I got lost several times but always managed to find my way back to my hotel. I have seen the effiel tower and been in it I can die happy now. I really enjoyed being a tourist. I definetly want to travel more to start with European countries before traveling further a field.This was first time I had been away on my own. I really enjoyed and it was a very self indulgent to travel alone. You get to do want you want not abiding to anyone else's timetable.
I would go to Paris again to expolre the nightlife and art galleries. I cant speak french at all, apart from the odd word but I survived. I know the french have reputation for being rude but I have to say my whole trip I only met one rude person. Everyone was really nice and quite friendly. Going to Paris has improved my self confidence and made me realised how much I love travel.I have started sponsoring two children who live in the developing world. I have always wanted to do this and now I can afford to. Anyway I got some passport photos taken to send to the children so that they can see what I look like. When I saw the photos I realised that im actually quite attractive for the first time in a long time. Im probably at the peak of my looks so its probably all going to downhill from here.lol. I also realised from photos that I had taken in Paris that im not as fat as I thought as I was.
I have perfect shins so will be wearing more mini skirts. I know what parts to work on the gym now.I have also realised since I have been celibate . That sex is not the enemy, I just needed to stop doing with strangers which I have done.My first driving lesson will be towards the end of the month. I went to see my mum at the cementary a few days ago and I felt close to her when I was there just chatting about everything that I has been going on.
When I am there I feel so close to her that I dont want to leave.There are changes a foot at my place of work which I am not looking forward too, which may involve me having to stand up from myself with the backing of the union.
My recent trip to Paris by myself was wonderful. I got lost several times but always managed to find my way back to my hotel. I have seen the effiel tower and been in it I can die happy now. I really enjoyed being a tourist. I definetly want to travel more to start with European countries before traveling further a field.This was first time I had been away on my own. I really enjoyed and it was a very self indulgent to travel alone. You get to do want you want not abiding to anyone else's timetable.
I would go to Paris again to expolre the nightlife and art galleries. I cant speak french at all, apart from the odd word but I survived. I know the french have reputation for being rude but I have to say my whole trip I only met one rude person. Everyone was really nice and quite friendly. Going to Paris has improved my self confidence and made me realised how much I love travel.I have started sponsoring two children who live in the developing world. I have always wanted to do this and now I can afford to. Anyway I got some passport photos taken to send to the children so that they can see what I look like. When I saw the photos I realised that im actually quite attractive for the first time in a long time. Im probably at the peak of my looks so its probably all going to downhill from here.lol. I also realised from photos that I had taken in Paris that im not as fat as I thought as I was.
I have perfect shins so will be wearing more mini skirts. I know what parts to work on the gym now.I have also realised since I have been celibate . That sex is not the enemy, I just needed to stop doing with strangers which I have done.My first driving lesson will be towards the end of the month. I went to see my mum at the cementary a few days ago and I felt close to her when I was there just chatting about everything that I has been going on.
When I am there I feel so close to her that I dont want to leave.There are changes a foot at my place of work which I am not looking forward too, which may involve me having to stand up from myself with the backing of the union.
The book - The Game
Date: Jun 29, 2006
I have just started reading the book the game which about pick up artist its an interesting reading but probably not doing much to restore my faith in men. But its a very interesting read to see the tricks men use to try attract women and bed them.
There is also a darkside to this you methods of hynoptising people to get them to worship the ground they walk on its weird. I dont think with puas - (pick up artists) its not really about sex but about having power over someone. I am kind of glad I live in the uk and I am long journey from the majority of puas. But at least I will be able to see pua coming a mile off.
I have just started reading the book the game which about pick up artist its an interesting reading but probably not doing much to restore my faith in men. But its a very interesting read to see the tricks men use to try attract women and bed them.
There is also a darkside to this you methods of hynoptising people to get them to worship the ground they walk on its weird. I dont think with puas - (pick up artists) its not really about sex but about having power over someone. I am kind of glad I live in the uk and I am long journey from the majority of puas. But at least I will be able to see pua coming a mile off.
Clutching at Straws
Date:Jun 21, 2006
I was at work and the radio station was changed to a classical music station. It made me think of a guy I was slept with and we drank and did poppers and listen to classical music. I thought about texting him. We had a difficult conflict schedule I kept asking him if he wanted him meet up and he kept rejecting me.
In the end I stopped texting him, and we drifted apart I texted to say I was changing my number. We had stilted contact after that.But when I heard the music I thought about him and how much I liked him. But its just that I am lacking attention so I am clutching at straws.
I was at work and the radio station was changed to a classical music station. It made me think of a guy I was slept with and we drank and did poppers and listen to classical music. I thought about texting him. We had a difficult conflict schedule I kept asking him if he wanted him meet up and he kept rejecting me.
In the end I stopped texting him, and we drifted apart I texted to say I was changing my number. We had stilted contact after that.But when I heard the music I thought about him and how much I liked him. But its just that I am lacking attention so I am clutching at straws.
Farewell Passion.
Date: Jun 15, 2006
I have decided to another break from men. This time its serious. I will stop meeting men from the internet and from this site. This started as a little fun but I need to move on. Its not getting me anywhere. I am confused sexually and confused about what I want. If I take a break I will be able clear my head.I know that this site has given me some blissful moments and I have met some wonderful people and had some wonderful sex. But I need to learn to develop a relationship in the longterm and as long as I meet men from this site I never will.
I had rather nice experience with a norweign tourist who I met on this site. He was polite and treated me well. He is cool person with none of usual bullshit which is refreshing.The sex was good and relaxing no pressure. I really enjoyed it as I know it will be last I will be getting for a while. I am terrified at the thought of not knowing where my next shag is coming from. But I need to clear my head and figure myself out because I am confused and I am not always relaxed with my partners which must be underline sign that I need to stop doing this.
I booked a trip to Paris today so that I can have some new experiences and will be starting driving lessons soon so I have other things to focus on. I will keep doing my blog.
Hopefully my friend ND will satisfy in fuck buddy situation if needed. But I honestly think a bit of celibacy could also help me clear my head. So I will probably stop having sex for a while
I have decided to another break from men. This time its serious. I will stop meeting men from the internet and from this site. This started as a little fun but I need to move on. Its not getting me anywhere. I am confused sexually and confused about what I want. If I take a break I will be able clear my head.I know that this site has given me some blissful moments and I have met some wonderful people and had some wonderful sex. But I need to learn to develop a relationship in the longterm and as long as I meet men from this site I never will.
I had rather nice experience with a norweign tourist who I met on this site. He was polite and treated me well. He is cool person with none of usual bullshit which is refreshing.The sex was good and relaxing no pressure. I really enjoyed it as I know it will be last I will be getting for a while. I am terrified at the thought of not knowing where my next shag is coming from. But I need to clear my head and figure myself out because I am confused and I am not always relaxed with my partners which must be underline sign that I need to stop doing this.
I booked a trip to Paris today so that I can have some new experiences and will be starting driving lessons soon so I have other things to focus on. I will keep doing my blog.
Hopefully my friend ND will satisfy in fuck buddy situation if needed. But I honestly think a bit of celibacy could also help me clear my head. So I will probably stop having sex for a while
Unfinished Monkey Business
Date:Jun 6, 2006
Well I will keep this one kind of short. Regular reader will know there was the boy I really liked called SV and one point he had a rather ruder nickname as I thought he maybe responsible for me being admitted to hospital with acute tonsillitis. Anyway after a year long wait we finally met up again and we had sex. The sex was rather good close and intimate unlike my most recent encounters. He looked taller than I remembered and he had grown some facial hair (yuk!) he was pretty much the same.
But I was different the things I use to find humorous about him no longer amused me. He kind of bored me not in a bad way. I have changed what use to stimulate me doesn't. Its strange how your feelings can change towards someone. I guess I want different things now from a guy. I don't know if we will do it again I left the door open as the sex was pretty good. But maybe this will be a good way to close the chapter on SV. But if wants to do it again I am not going to say
Well I will keep this one kind of short. Regular reader will know there was the boy I really liked called SV and one point he had a rather ruder nickname as I thought he maybe responsible for me being admitted to hospital with acute tonsillitis. Anyway after a year long wait we finally met up again and we had sex. The sex was rather good close and intimate unlike my most recent encounters. He looked taller than I remembered and he had grown some facial hair (yuk!) he was pretty much the same.
But I was different the things I use to find humorous about him no longer amused me. He kind of bored me not in a bad way. I have changed what use to stimulate me doesn't. Its strange how your feelings can change towards someone. I guess I want different things now from a guy. I don't know if we will do it again I left the door open as the sex was pretty good. But maybe this will be a good way to close the chapter on SV. But if wants to do it again I am not going to say
Desperate
Date:May 26, 2006
I have made a few decisions. I am going to travel, learn to cook and learn to drive, start writing again, get ready to start moving to my own place, learn new things, start going to socials again. I want to stop being a desperate and having my time wasted by men.
I want to continue my new years resolutions as I was doing so well.I want to to stop looking to men to entertain me. I want to entertain myself and hang with my friends. Instead of making excuses not to see them as I trying to get with some guy who is probably only going to waste my time anyway
.Movie of the week - The King Gael Garcia Bernal is a sex god.
I have made a few decisions. I am going to travel, learn to cook and learn to drive, start writing again, get ready to start moving to my own place, learn new things, start going to socials again. I want to stop being a desperate and having my time wasted by men.
I want to continue my new years resolutions as I was doing so well.I want to to stop looking to men to entertain me. I want to entertain myself and hang with my friends. Instead of making excuses not to see them as I trying to get with some guy who is probably only going to waste my time anyway
.Movie of the week - The King Gael Garcia Bernal is a sex god.
Size doesnt matter anymore
Date: May 26, 2006
I recently slept with someone was is well endowned. Although I found myself physically turned on than normal.I found that I wanted to constanly give him oral, which isnt like me. I always thought that sex with someone who was well endowned would be amazing.
However the sex was good but not mindblowing. I have had better sex with men who have smaller dicks. So I now I truly believe its not what you have but how you use it. Peace Out !
I recently slept with someone was is well endowned. Although I found myself physically turned on than normal.I found that I wanted to constanly give him oral, which isnt like me. I always thought that sex with someone who was well endowned would be amazing.
However the sex was good but not mindblowing. I have had better sex with men who have smaller dicks. So I now I truly believe its not what you have but how you use it. Peace Out !
The one when she realises ....... Internet dating/shagging may not be good for her !
Date:May 21, 2006
My friend who I met on this site invited him to me to his home address. We decided we were going to see if we could be fuck buddies. We meT for coffee in the middle of last year but it didn't go anywhere but we stayed in touch.However when we got his it turned into an one handed intervention. He said that I need to meet men and it shouldn't always be via the internet. I need to find other ways to meet men apart from the net.
I felt touched that someone would take the time out to talk to me and tell me that they were concerned. He had good reason to be concerned as regards to internet dating he has been there done that and bought the t-shirt.Maybe I'm kind of some freak but every man I have ever met has been via the internet. He said he concerned about me and my behavior towards men and sex. He mentioned some of the things that I had done recently. I had to admit there is a problem and I realise it . I don't know how I became this girl.
I feel like the Macbeth of Sex. I have gone too far and I dont know a way back.I am now in a place men-wise that makes me scared and fearful. If I was approached by a man in a bar I would be unlikely to take things further as I would too afraid as I haven't read his profile first. Internet meetings have given me a fear of unknown and dating socially. It makes you lazy and its really easy to do and get obssessed with.But I'm taking action to sort it out and figure out what I want in my head.
I have to admit that I have been a bit screwed up about sex recently.Its hard to explain how but I have been so shy to touch the other person and make it a two a way experience. Sex with me has been boring for the past couple of sessions.Me and my buddy did screw to finish the evening off and it was a nice experience started off a bit awkward but we got there in the end
My friend who I met on this site invited him to me to his home address. We decided we were going to see if we could be fuck buddies. We meT for coffee in the middle of last year but it didn't go anywhere but we stayed in touch.However when we got his it turned into an one handed intervention. He said that I need to meet men and it shouldn't always be via the internet. I need to find other ways to meet men apart from the net.
I felt touched that someone would take the time out to talk to me and tell me that they were concerned. He had good reason to be concerned as regards to internet dating he has been there done that and bought the t-shirt.Maybe I'm kind of some freak but every man I have ever met has been via the internet. He said he concerned about me and my behavior towards men and sex. He mentioned some of the things that I had done recently. I had to admit there is a problem and I realise it . I don't know how I became this girl.
I feel like the Macbeth of Sex. I have gone too far and I dont know a way back.I am now in a place men-wise that makes me scared and fearful. If I was approached by a man in a bar I would be unlikely to take things further as I would too afraid as I haven't read his profile first. Internet meetings have given me a fear of unknown and dating socially. It makes you lazy and its really easy to do and get obssessed with.But I'm taking action to sort it out and figure out what I want in my head.
I have to admit that I have been a bit screwed up about sex recently.Its hard to explain how but I have been so shy to touch the other person and make it a two a way experience. Sex with me has been boring for the past couple of sessions.Me and my buddy did screw to finish the evening off and it was a nice experience started off a bit awkward but we got there in the end
Timewaster Penalty/ Movie of the Week
Date:May 16, 2006
After another time wasting experience I am now thinking introducing a timewaster penalty as I am sick of men wasting my time. I am sick of excuses ranging from my my grandmother in hospital/ im really tired from work/ I cant get it up im really stressed/my penis is too small/etc.I just dont understand why someone who would respond to ad looking for a fuckbuddy only waste someone timeBefore hand I do everything I can I am honest about my appearance im petite plusize black girl I do have the std herpes.
But yet these guys still waste my time I am not looking to be a handjob provider for idiots who dont know what the hell they want.These things make me feel unsexy and fat even thou I am not, when someone turns you down you cant help feel unsexy no matter how sexy you are. You doubt yourself you think if you were size 10 things like this wouldnt happen. But im sure even girls who are size 10 get pissed about.
When I meeting someone I make a certain amount of effort I shave my body hair so my pussy looks sexy and moisturize to enhance the experience and they cant even be bothered to fuck me. I might have to change the way I do things.I think if I had a penalty maybe people wouldnt be so eager to waste my time
I went to see Prime last night I really liked it, I thought it was a realistic portyal of modern love.
After another time wasting experience I am now thinking introducing a timewaster penalty as I am sick of men wasting my time. I am sick of excuses ranging from my my grandmother in hospital/ im really tired from work/ I cant get it up im really stressed/my penis is too small/etc.I just dont understand why someone who would respond to ad looking for a fuckbuddy only waste someone timeBefore hand I do everything I can I am honest about my appearance im petite plusize black girl I do have the std herpes.
But yet these guys still waste my time I am not looking to be a handjob provider for idiots who dont know what the hell they want.These things make me feel unsexy and fat even thou I am not, when someone turns you down you cant help feel unsexy no matter how sexy you are. You doubt yourself you think if you were size 10 things like this wouldnt happen. But im sure even girls who are size 10 get pissed about.
When I meeting someone I make a certain amount of effort I shave my body hair so my pussy looks sexy and moisturize to enhance the experience and they cant even be bothered to fuck me. I might have to change the way I do things.I think if I had a penalty maybe people wouldnt be so eager to waste my time
I went to see Prime last night I really liked it, I thought it was a realistic portyal of modern love.
A picture paints a thousand words
Date:May 15, 2006
I have been thinking of adding a picture to my profile either of my ample chest or a picture that was taken of my cunt on drunken one night stand. Since I have more time on my hands I have more time to mess about on the internet and read website like nerve.com and flick through downloading porn with davo.
I saw a really sexy picture which I am going to add to my blog. Also read a really interesting essay on disabled sex on nerve.com which I am also going to put on my blog.My return to writing isnt working out as I hoped. Im feeling a little blocked creatively. I feel like I dont really relate and want to tell the stories of characters that I have wriiten about in the past. But also I have new characters that I want to write about. I figure to get inspired I should do what always inspires me, going to art galleries, lots of reading fiction and non fiction, nerve.com see movies, chat to strangers online.
Try to have some new experiences.SV has slight suprised me he is being slightly more organised than in the past. In the past when we wanted to do it I spent hours online trying to track a hotel down and he did nothing except not turn up on the day , giving me a silly excuse causing me to lose my deposit. However this time he has picked a hotel and is the process of saving up for it. Communication between us is almost non existent but im quite happy with that, im not as wrapped up in him as use to be. I pretty much just want sample the goods and stick around if they are good.
I was pressuring for actual dates for when we were going to do it and he asked me what was the hurry and I really had no response to his question. If I dont hear from him in a couple weeks there will be no chasing on my part Im to old for that shit and their are plenty more fish in the sea. I will be trying to have a picture of the week and maybe website/news/essay of the week.The picture of the week is of a nipple and outline of playboy bunny I think its a great image from a great blog -no longer available
The NIPPLE is not mine it belongs to website above but I thought its a really sexy image
Essay of the week - is about disabled sex. It really interesting as you dont consider what it must be like but in all the essay is really positive.
Copy and paste.-no longer available
Im so partly jealous that this lady has carried out 2 of my fantasies threesomes and groupsex. Although saying that I feel like my sex drive is a little low, im not craving sex as much as I use to.
Plus im kind of going through a girl on girl phase not find men that sexually attractive may look for a woman to explore my bicurious side. But I want to be sure before I go down that road as I dont want to waste anyone's timeI have will be putting a picture of my cunt on my page just to see if its a good idea probably end up exchanging for my ample chest as it more an accurate image of who I am.
I have been thinking of adding a picture to my profile either of my ample chest or a picture that was taken of my cunt on drunken one night stand. Since I have more time on my hands I have more time to mess about on the internet and read website like nerve.com and flick through downloading porn with davo.
I saw a really sexy picture which I am going to add to my blog. Also read a really interesting essay on disabled sex on nerve.com which I am also going to put on my blog.My return to writing isnt working out as I hoped. Im feeling a little blocked creatively. I feel like I dont really relate and want to tell the stories of characters that I have wriiten about in the past. But also I have new characters that I want to write about. I figure to get inspired I should do what always inspires me, going to art galleries, lots of reading fiction and non fiction, nerve.com see movies, chat to strangers online.
Try to have some new experiences.SV has slight suprised me he is being slightly more organised than in the past. In the past when we wanted to do it I spent hours online trying to track a hotel down and he did nothing except not turn up on the day , giving me a silly excuse causing me to lose my deposit. However this time he has picked a hotel and is the process of saving up for it. Communication between us is almost non existent but im quite happy with that, im not as wrapped up in him as use to be. I pretty much just want sample the goods and stick around if they are good.
I was pressuring for actual dates for when we were going to do it and he asked me what was the hurry and I really had no response to his question. If I dont hear from him in a couple weeks there will be no chasing on my part Im to old for that shit and their are plenty more fish in the sea. I will be trying to have a picture of the week and maybe website/news/essay of the week.The picture of the week is of a nipple and outline of playboy bunny I think its a great image from a great blog -no longer available
The NIPPLE is not mine it belongs to website above but I thought its a really sexy image
Essay of the week - is about disabled sex. It really interesting as you dont consider what it must be like but in all the essay is really positive.
Copy and paste.-no longer available
Im so partly jealous that this lady has carried out 2 of my fantasies threesomes and groupsex. Although saying that I feel like my sex drive is a little low, im not craving sex as much as I use to.
Plus im kind of going through a girl on girl phase not find men that sexually attractive may look for a woman to explore my bicurious side. But I want to be sure before I go down that road as I dont want to waste anyone's timeI have will be putting a picture of my cunt on my page just to see if its a good idea probably end up exchanging for my ample chest as it more an accurate image of who I am.
If I give this more interesting title will more people look at it
Date:May 8, 2006
I have started the new job and it’s not all that I hoped it would be. It pays more and gives lots of free time to get up to mischief and attempt to revive my creative writing ideas.Menwise is same shit different day. On Saturday me skinny Steve went out to watch the sultan elephant in London he had to leave before the show finished as he was leaving he kissed me on the lips.
The whole time we watching the show he had arms around my hips and in front of my stomach. We look like a couple and it’s nice to feel close to someone but I thinking kissing me on the lips am a step too far. I initially said it was ok as long as he didn’t slip the tongue in. But now I am having second thoughts I don’t know if Im being silly but I just think its appropriate for someone you are not dating to kiss you on the lips.
Kissing is very intimate thing and should only be shared by people you are dating or having a one night stand or sleeping with lol.Talking of one night stands I had a one night stand last weekend with an Italian, he was nice and interesting. He wouldn’t kiss me thou as he reserves his kisses for when he loves someone. I don’t know if it true or just some bullshit he said. We had sex and it was nice lots of touching but just no kissing and I gave him head which actually enjoyed and deep throated him a bit.
The sex was slow and exactly what I needed. I wasn’t that bothered with lack of kissing on some levels I don’t like kissing at times the mixing of saliva can be gross and you get all the weird tastes in your mouth. I dislike kissing a man after he just gone down on me it just so gross. The thing Im not a big fan of kissing but I still do it as it sets the mood for sex.SV has made a return in my life still pulling the same shit as before I don’t know why I thought it would be a good idea to attempt to have him back.
I guess I still want to find if he is a good in bed as he says he is. I do like him he makes me laugh. We haven’t being communication for days and I’m not even sure if im going to hear from him again. I don’t know how we are supposed to fuck if we don’t arrange a date. I’m being stubborn I wont contact him until he contacts me, I refuse to be that girl again texting him and calling him only to get no response. Sometimes you think in life that if something is really hard then it will be worth it. However I’m not so sure when it comes to SV
I have started the new job and it’s not all that I hoped it would be. It pays more and gives lots of free time to get up to mischief and attempt to revive my creative writing ideas.Menwise is same shit different day. On Saturday me skinny Steve went out to watch the sultan elephant in London he had to leave before the show finished as he was leaving he kissed me on the lips.
The whole time we watching the show he had arms around my hips and in front of my stomach. We look like a couple and it’s nice to feel close to someone but I thinking kissing me on the lips am a step too far. I initially said it was ok as long as he didn’t slip the tongue in. But now I am having second thoughts I don’t know if Im being silly but I just think its appropriate for someone you are not dating to kiss you on the lips.
Kissing is very intimate thing and should only be shared by people you are dating or having a one night stand or sleeping with lol.Talking of one night stands I had a one night stand last weekend with an Italian, he was nice and interesting. He wouldn’t kiss me thou as he reserves his kisses for when he loves someone. I don’t know if it true or just some bullshit he said. We had sex and it was nice lots of touching but just no kissing and I gave him head which actually enjoyed and deep throated him a bit.
The sex was slow and exactly what I needed. I wasn’t that bothered with lack of kissing on some levels I don’t like kissing at times the mixing of saliva can be gross and you get all the weird tastes in your mouth. I dislike kissing a man after he just gone down on me it just so gross. The thing Im not a big fan of kissing but I still do it as it sets the mood for sex.SV has made a return in my life still pulling the same shit as before I don’t know why I thought it would be a good idea to attempt to have him back.
I guess I still want to find if he is a good in bed as he says he is. I do like him he makes me laugh. We haven’t being communication for days and I’m not even sure if im going to hear from him again. I don’t know how we are supposed to fuck if we don’t arrange a date. I’m being stubborn I wont contact him until he contacts me, I refuse to be that girl again texting him and calling him only to get no response. Sometimes you think in life that if something is really hard then it will be worth it. However I’m not so sure when it comes to SV
The Wanderer returns
Date:Apr 7, 2006
Its be a while since I last updated this blog. I have been focusing on the course I mentioned in previous blogs. I have one more week and then I can start to return to my normal life,I am not regretting leaving my previous job. I know this job will be challenging and I need challenge in my life. Otherwise I get bored.
Menwise im back at square one, after thinking I wanted to date and be in relationship. It turns out I dont. I want a regular fuckbuddy or a few one nights stands every couple months. But I can live without sex and just wank. I have been working my pelvic floor muscles and it makes it so easy to come.The guy I was dating has now become my friend. We have this slightly strange relationship. I know he is not boyfriend material and I am not attracted to him in that way. But he is attractive but very skinny which I dont find attractive.
There are many things I do like about him he communicates openly and will talk about anything.We had a conversation regarding his lack of making the moves. He explained that doesnt normally make any moves on girl. Its normallly the girl who makes the first move on him out of frustation.He said he too scared to make a move incase he is rejected. I understood what he meant. However I was unsure if I wanted to make that move.I felt like if I kissed him , it would be saying I want you to be with you and I just wasnt sure. I liked him and if it didnt work out I felt it would be the end of our friendship.
The strange part even thou we are not dating we are stiil walking arm in arm and holding hands and kissing each on the cheek goodbye, and hugging. Even thou we have decided there will be no relationship, from outside we look like a couple. It feels nice to be affectionate with each other. Im not normally an affectionate person but I find quite easy to be affectionate with him.
Grief is strange. I am craving to see my mother and talk to her and be close to her. Its not a case of I want to go where she is. I am finding that going to the cemetary helps and just having a chat with her. Some days are easier than others
Its be a while since I last updated this blog. I have been focusing on the course I mentioned in previous blogs. I have one more week and then I can start to return to my normal life,I am not regretting leaving my previous job. I know this job will be challenging and I need challenge in my life. Otherwise I get bored.
Menwise im back at square one, after thinking I wanted to date and be in relationship. It turns out I dont. I want a regular fuckbuddy or a few one nights stands every couple months. But I can live without sex and just wank. I have been working my pelvic floor muscles and it makes it so easy to come.The guy I was dating has now become my friend. We have this slightly strange relationship. I know he is not boyfriend material and I am not attracted to him in that way. But he is attractive but very skinny which I dont find attractive.
There are many things I do like about him he communicates openly and will talk about anything.We had a conversation regarding his lack of making the moves. He explained that doesnt normally make any moves on girl. Its normallly the girl who makes the first move on him out of frustation.He said he too scared to make a move incase he is rejected. I understood what he meant. However I was unsure if I wanted to make that move.I felt like if I kissed him , it would be saying I want you to be with you and I just wasnt sure. I liked him and if it didnt work out I felt it would be the end of our friendship.
The strange part even thou we are not dating we are stiil walking arm in arm and holding hands and kissing each on the cheek goodbye, and hugging. Even thou we have decided there will be no relationship, from outside we look like a couple. It feels nice to be affectionate with each other. Im not normally an affectionate person but I find quite easy to be affectionate with him.
Grief is strange. I am craving to see my mother and talk to her and be close to her. Its not a case of I want to go where she is. I am finding that going to the cemetary helps and just having a chat with her. Some days are easier than others
Getting Outhere
Date:Feb 16, 2006
I am going on a mini break this weekend the second to last weekend before I start my course. I am going to Europe.A guy that I met from this site has asked me if I would like to fuck him with a strap on. I am happy that he asked me if I wanted to be part of his first time exchanging gender roles. But I just keep feeling there has been a change in me and I cant do certain things anymore. I don't want to treat sex like a toy. I want it to special. I have no doubt it would be fun to fuck him but I know I just cant.I have been dating its been interesting. I haven't ever really dated before its nice to date. I got into a habit of meeting people from this site and sleeping with them. It suited my mood to have sex with strangers.
It was exciting even when the sex was bad it was still an interesting thing to do. I have been on 3 dates two were bad. One was good. The one that was good hasn't really making been trying to make any moves on me. Its refreshing but I am not use to it at all. We get on well and have good conversation. He is nice and I like nice men. He ended our second date with a quick kiss on the cheek.The other dates were bad because the first guy waited two weeks to contact me after our first date. By then I had kind of forgot about him.The second guy was so immature and I had buy my own drinks and he borrowed a fiver off me. To pay for our second bowling game as I won the first and he couldn't not be beaten by a woman. In the bar he asked me to kiss him I refused.
I hate when guy's ask me to kiss them. If you wanna kiss someone just do it. He got the impression that I was a virgin as I refused to kiss him.He then asked me if I was saving for marriage. I said no comment. He took that as yes.It was nice that a guy could think that I was virgin even thou I am far from being a virgin. At times in my life I have been as pure as the driven snow.As he thought he wouldn't be getting any nookie. He didn't call or text me after our date.
But He still owes me a fiver. Even thou I am not having sex with a partner at the moment. I have been experimenting with Clit stimulator and having some very nice orgasms all by myself.
I am going on a mini break this weekend the second to last weekend before I start my course. I am going to Europe.A guy that I met from this site has asked me if I would like to fuck him with a strap on. I am happy that he asked me if I wanted to be part of his first time exchanging gender roles. But I just keep feeling there has been a change in me and I cant do certain things anymore. I don't want to treat sex like a toy. I want it to special. I have no doubt it would be fun to fuck him but I know I just cant.I have been dating its been interesting. I haven't ever really dated before its nice to date. I got into a habit of meeting people from this site and sleeping with them. It suited my mood to have sex with strangers.
It was exciting even when the sex was bad it was still an interesting thing to do. I have been on 3 dates two were bad. One was good. The one that was good hasn't really making been trying to make any moves on me. Its refreshing but I am not use to it at all. We get on well and have good conversation. He is nice and I like nice men. He ended our second date with a quick kiss on the cheek.The other dates were bad because the first guy waited two weeks to contact me after our first date. By then I had kind of forgot about him.The second guy was so immature and I had buy my own drinks and he borrowed a fiver off me. To pay for our second bowling game as I won the first and he couldn't not be beaten by a woman. In the bar he asked me to kiss him I refused.
I hate when guy's ask me to kiss them. If you wanna kiss someone just do it. He got the impression that I was a virgin as I refused to kiss him.He then asked me if I was saving for marriage. I said no comment. He took that as yes.It was nice that a guy could think that I was virgin even thou I am far from being a virgin. At times in my life I have been as pure as the driven snow.As he thought he wouldn't be getting any nookie. He didn't call or text me after our date.
But He still owes me a fiver. Even thou I am not having sex with a partner at the moment. I have been experimenting with Clit stimulator and having some very nice orgasms all by myself.
Tuesday, 29 May 2007
Quick update
Date:Feb 2, 2006
I am so looking forward to starting my job and the challenge it will bring. I must focus on my revising for my course.My brother did turn up to meet me. The similarities in upbring and taste in entertainment were quite spooky.
But it has opened up a can of worms. As it has raised questions and my mother isnt here to answer these questions.
I miss Summer I hate cold weather. Roll on Summer
I am so looking forward to starting my job and the challenge it will bring. I must focus on my revising for my course.My brother did turn up to meet me. The similarities in upbring and taste in entertainment were quite spooky.
But it has opened up a can of worms. As it has raised questions and my mother isnt here to answer these questions.
I miss Summer I hate cold weather. Roll on Summer
Not much going on
Date:Jan 22, 2006
Sorry I havent updated my blog in a while. I have been busy seeing films, hanging out with friends,clubbing, reading, watching celeb big brother.I dont have much to talk about right now. I start a new job soon. I mentioned the job in a past blog and its going take a lot of my focus. If I dont pass the course I will lose my job.
My job start date was delayed due to death of My Mother. I am now ready for the challenge of this job and I hope I will enjoy it.I am also hoping to meet my half brother for the first time since I was five.
We have had a complicated relationship. Im not sure if he will be in my life in fact im not sure he will turn up. I hope he does but he isnt very reliable. I dont think either of us is expecting great things from this meeting but it will be nice to meet anyway.
My new year resolutions are going quite well.I have been doing a lot of reading and thinking about what I really want out of life and what I deserve to have. I decided to stop settling for less.
Sorry I havent updated my blog in a while. I have been busy seeing films, hanging out with friends,clubbing, reading, watching celeb big brother.I dont have much to talk about right now. I start a new job soon. I mentioned the job in a past blog and its going take a lot of my focus. If I dont pass the course I will lose my job.
My job start date was delayed due to death of My Mother. I am now ready for the challenge of this job and I hope I will enjoy it.I am also hoping to meet my half brother for the first time since I was five.
We have had a complicated relationship. Im not sure if he will be in my life in fact im not sure he will turn up. I hope he does but he isnt very reliable. I dont think either of us is expecting great things from this meeting but it will be nice to meet anyway.
My new year resolutions are going quite well.I have been doing a lot of reading and thinking about what I really want out of life and what I deserve to have. I decided to stop settling for less.
The relationship pressure
Date:Dec 31, 2005
I'm single and I haven't been a relationship for about a year. I know my reasons why I have spent the past year not being in a relationship.Because when you get your heartbroken a part of you is never the same. I got my heartbroken towards the end of 2004 and slowly got over it in early 2005. I decided to see what was out there and I find myself. I wanted to be with someone with out on all the complications on a regular basis.
The regular basis part didn't work out but I had fun this year anyway. In mid 2005 I decided to see if I could do the relationship thing again. It didn't work out. It took so long to recover I am over it now. But now I'm scared to get into a relationship. I am scared I will get hurt and I wont have the energy to recover.
Both relationships I have had have been so stressful at times I thought the situation would drive me to the edge and make me cry. My best friend insists I cant go on floating around I need a serious relationship so that I will know what I want from a man and a relationship.
My stepfather says if I'm not married by the time 28 I never will. When I was a teenager he used say by the time I was 25. I don't believe what he says and his heart is probably in the right place. But these comments don't help.Maybe I have dated the wrong people and relationships can be bliss.
But in my experience they have been nothing but stress. If anyone has any positive relationship experience. Please respond.
But for me it has always been stressful. You cant focus on anything else. You are always analysing things, there are questions Is he lying to me? Is he cheating? How do keep his interest/ How do I keep the relationship interesting? Why is he acting this way? I am scared to love someone and not have them love me back. I'm scared the guy will be abusive physically or mentally.
I am scared that if it doesn't work out he might stalk me and eventually kill me. Most of all I'm scared that I will get my heartbroken again.I hate the pressure in society for women to be in a relationship. If you aren't in a relationship there must be something wrong with you. You are a sad single person. But I do believe you can be single and happy.
I'm single and I haven't been a relationship for about a year. I know my reasons why I have spent the past year not being in a relationship.Because when you get your heartbroken a part of you is never the same. I got my heartbroken towards the end of 2004 and slowly got over it in early 2005. I decided to see what was out there and I find myself. I wanted to be with someone with out on all the complications on a regular basis.
The regular basis part didn't work out but I had fun this year anyway. In mid 2005 I decided to see if I could do the relationship thing again. It didn't work out. It took so long to recover I am over it now. But now I'm scared to get into a relationship. I am scared I will get hurt and I wont have the energy to recover.
Both relationships I have had have been so stressful at times I thought the situation would drive me to the edge and make me cry. My best friend insists I cant go on floating around I need a serious relationship so that I will know what I want from a man and a relationship.
My stepfather says if I'm not married by the time 28 I never will. When I was a teenager he used say by the time I was 25. I don't believe what he says and his heart is probably in the right place. But these comments don't help.Maybe I have dated the wrong people and relationships can be bliss.
But in my experience they have been nothing but stress. If anyone has any positive relationship experience. Please respond.
But for me it has always been stressful. You cant focus on anything else. You are always analysing things, there are questions Is he lying to me? Is he cheating? How do keep his interest/ How do I keep the relationship interesting? Why is he acting this way? I am scared to love someone and not have them love me back. I'm scared the guy will be abusive physically or mentally.
I am scared that if it doesn't work out he might stalk me and eventually kill me. Most of all I'm scared that I will get my heartbroken again.I hate the pressure in society for women to be in a relationship. If you aren't in a relationship there must be something wrong with you. You are a sad single person. But I do believe you can be single and happy.
What I learned this year
Date:Dec 31, 2005
It has probably been the most difficult year of my life. But I survived it and I'm hopeful about the future. These are the main things that happen to me this year.
The bad things
My grandmother died
I got a formal verbal warning at work for something that be couldn't helped
I got my heartbroken
I got Herpes
My mother died
The good things
I made some new friends hopefully some will be around for a long time.
I found out a lot of people cared about me.
I found a strength I never knew I had.
I had some great sex and learned about myself as a sexual being.
I started out a confused young woman but now I know what I want.
I started to exercise
I calmed down as a person and learned to take it easy.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
I learned to pick my battles carefully.
I finally started working for the organisation that I have always wanted to work for.
But what did I learn
People tell lies or they find it hard to be honest with you in case they hurt your feelings.
I always knew this but this year I heard quite a few lies.
I have learned that you must follow your heart and live with the consequences.
I must respect myself if I don't no one else will.
Anything built on sex isn't built to last you need more than sex to hold a man.
Although saying that I don't believe marriage or babies can keep a man if he truly wants to go.
I have come out this year a stronger and wiser person. I am looking forward to the future.
It has probably been the most difficult year of my life. But I survived it and I'm hopeful about the future. These are the main things that happen to me this year.
The bad things
My grandmother died
I got a formal verbal warning at work for something that be couldn't helped
I got my heartbroken
I got Herpes
My mother died
The good things
I made some new friends hopefully some will be around for a long time.
I found out a lot of people cared about me.
I found a strength I never knew I had.
I had some great sex and learned about myself as a sexual being.
I started out a confused young woman but now I know what I want.
I started to exercise
I calmed down as a person and learned to take it easy.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
I learned to pick my battles carefully.
I finally started working for the organisation that I have always wanted to work for.
But what did I learn
People tell lies or they find it hard to be honest with you in case they hurt your feelings.
I always knew this but this year I heard quite a few lies.
I have learned that you must follow your heart and live with the consequences.
I must respect myself if I don't no one else will.
Anything built on sex isn't built to last you need more than sex to hold a man.
Although saying that I don't believe marriage or babies can keep a man if he truly wants to go.
I have come out this year a stronger and wiser person. I am looking forward to the future.
New Year Resolutions
Date:Dec 31, 2005
These are my resolutions. Some are a bit silly but by doing these things I hope to be a better person.
Healthy diet,
eat more veg and fruit and a lot less junk food
Exercise more Yoga,
use the exercise bike in the living room,
keeping going to the gymstop
borrowing money from my stepdad before payday,
manage my money better
have regular manicure and pedicures
always look my best
Read more especially feminist literaturework on my writing and finish one story by the end of the year
drink less alcohol
spend time more my own ( learn to enjoy solitude)
show off my shoulders
Go clubbing more
Go to my first music gig or music festival
Go to the theatre and cinema more on my own
These are my resolutions. Some are a bit silly but by doing these things I hope to be a better person.
Healthy diet,
eat more veg and fruit and a lot less junk food
Exercise more Yoga,
use the exercise bike in the living room,
keeping going to the gymstop
borrowing money from my stepdad before payday,
manage my money better
have regular manicure and pedicures
always look my best
Read more especially feminist literaturework on my writing and finish one story by the end of the year
drink less alcohol
spend time more my own ( learn to enjoy solitude)
show off my shoulders
Go clubbing more
Go to my first music gig or music festival
Go to the theatre and cinema more on my own
So much to talk about and so little time
Date:Dec 24, 2005
There is so much I want to talk about and so little time. Future Blog Titles
* What I learned this year.
* The relationship pressure.
* My new years resolutions ( I am hoping by putting them on my blog will make me stick to them.
Having a blog has been such a good thing for me it helps me get my feelings out there.I sometimes get advice, also its a chance to look back at on everything I have been through and survived. I think it has made me a more positive person.
There is so much I want to talk about and so little time. Future Blog Titles
* What I learned this year.
* The relationship pressure.
* My new years resolutions ( I am hoping by putting them on my blog will make me stick to them.
Having a blog has been such a good thing for me it helps me get my feelings out there.I sometimes get advice, also its a chance to look back at on everything I have been through and survived. I think it has made me a more positive person.
Prodigal Friend
Date:Dec 24, 2005
When I was 11 years old I was friends with these girls. We were in the same class at School. Sometimes hung out on the weekends and call each other up on the phone and chat. When I was 14 we were seperated into different classes. Our friendship slowly disappeared. I drifted out their lives.I made new friends and moved on. In the summer of this year. I bumped into one of these girls in the street. She was so happy to see me. I was happy to see her to. She invited me to her birthday dinner. I said I would come as it would be nice to see everyone. We had dinner, it was nice to see everyone.
A couple months later it was someone else birthday so we went bowling. Again I had nice time but I felt uncomfortable. Their lives had moved on so much. I had missed so much.My life had changed but I didnt feel comfortable to admit the things that had happen to me. I didnt feel I was among friends. So I didnt talk much.We went out again last week again. I felt uncomfortable again. They had all their in jokes and I felt like an outsider. When I think back to when I was school with them I felt like the outsider. I dont know why I ever thought that after all that time that we could go back to where we use to be at 11. I think I want to drift away again it would be easier than trying to get to know them again. I just dont know what to do
When I was 11 years old I was friends with these girls. We were in the same class at School. Sometimes hung out on the weekends and call each other up on the phone and chat. When I was 14 we were seperated into different classes. Our friendship slowly disappeared. I drifted out their lives.I made new friends and moved on. In the summer of this year. I bumped into one of these girls in the street. She was so happy to see me. I was happy to see her to. She invited me to her birthday dinner. I said I would come as it would be nice to see everyone. We had dinner, it was nice to see everyone.
A couple months later it was someone else birthday so we went bowling. Again I had nice time but I felt uncomfortable. Their lives had moved on so much. I had missed so much.My life had changed but I didnt feel comfortable to admit the things that had happen to me. I didnt feel I was among friends. So I didnt talk much.We went out again last week again. I felt uncomfortable again. They had all their in jokes and I felt like an outsider. When I think back to when I was school with them I felt like the outsider. I dont know why I ever thought that after all that time that we could go back to where we use to be at 11. I think I want to drift away again it would be easier than trying to get to know them again. I just dont know what to do
The Apple of my eye / This has never happen to me before
Date:Dec 8, 2005
I love Fiona Apple. Fiona is a singer.Her new album is amazing. I love the way she writes. I love her voice its so tortured and beautiful . She manages to express in her music what so many people feel about love and relationships and life. I love female musicians more than I like male musicians. I am moved by female musicians as I know where they are coming from.Liz Phair (Exile in Guyville Album) and Fiona Apple inspire me to express myself and to think about life. As a woman I relate to their music so much.
I do believe in supporting the sisterhood. I feel other women should support each other and not be unecessarily bitchy.
I had a new experience in my sex life last week. It wasnt good. It had never happen to me before. In my book its the female equivalent to a guy not being able to get it up. I eventually became too tight to for a guy to enter me even when using lube and trying various postions .
We still had a good time. But I felt really bad about it. I felt like I had failed in some wayWhen I was making my way home. I kept thinking was my vagina protesting about conditions. Was my vagina on strike? I came home did a Google search on the subject. I found out the causes could be :The natural estrogen decline due menopause
Cigarette smoking
Decreased sexual activity
Douching
Chronic yeast infection
Vaginal bacterial infection
Sexually transmitted diseases, such as trichomoniasis
Vaginal trauma Benign or malignant tumor
I dont think all of the above are relevant to me. Lets just hope decreased sexual activity was the cause and it never happens to me again.
I love Fiona Apple. Fiona is a singer.Her new album is amazing. I love the way she writes. I love her voice its so tortured and beautiful . She manages to express in her music what so many people feel about love and relationships and life. I love female musicians more than I like male musicians. I am moved by female musicians as I know where they are coming from.Liz Phair (Exile in Guyville Album) and Fiona Apple inspire me to express myself and to think about life. As a woman I relate to their music so much.
I do believe in supporting the sisterhood. I feel other women should support each other and not be unecessarily bitchy.
I had a new experience in my sex life last week. It wasnt good. It had never happen to me before. In my book its the female equivalent to a guy not being able to get it up. I eventually became too tight to for a guy to enter me even when using lube and trying various postions .
We still had a good time. But I felt really bad about it. I felt like I had failed in some wayWhen I was making my way home. I kept thinking was my vagina protesting about conditions. Was my vagina on strike? I came home did a Google search on the subject. I found out the causes could be :The natural estrogen decline due menopause
Cigarette smoking
Decreased sexual activity
Douching
Chronic yeast infection
Vaginal bacterial infection
Sexually transmitted diseases, such as trichomoniasis
Vaginal trauma Benign or malignant tumor
I dont think all of the above are relevant to me. Lets just hope decreased sexual activity was the cause and it never happens to me again.
So much to talk about and so little time
Date:Dec 24, 2005
I am thinking a lot these days. I had casual sex earlier this week and I intially felt very guilty. I later realised sex had greatly improved my mood. It felt nice to touched.I was more relaxed and happy after having sex.
But these day im more shy in bed and more unsure of myself especially when it comes to casual sex.I felt like I didnt know where to touch him and what to do.Im out of practise but maybe its a good thing.
My Fbuddy has got a girlfriend and im happy for him everyone needs love.But im on the prowl for a new regular fbuddy.
I was feeling a bit frumpy. I have changed my hair colour and bought some new clothes to cheer myself up. I am pushing myself at the gym.So is the end of the old me or the beginnning of a new me ?
I am thinking a lot these days. I had casual sex earlier this week and I intially felt very guilty. I later realised sex had greatly improved my mood. It felt nice to touched.I was more relaxed and happy after having sex.
But these day im more shy in bed and more unsure of myself especially when it comes to casual sex.I felt like I didnt know where to touch him and what to do.Im out of practise but maybe its a good thing.
My Fbuddy has got a girlfriend and im happy for him everyone needs love.But im on the prowl for a new regular fbuddy.
I was feeling a bit frumpy. I have changed my hair colour and bought some new clothes to cheer myself up. I am pushing myself at the gym.So is the end of the old me or the beginnning of a new me ?
Gym Bunny
Date:Nov 17, 2005
I havent updated this for a while. I have become a gym bunny I really enjoy it. I have been going for three weeks. Im a impatient young woman although I have seen litte changes to my body I was expecting a bit more. But apparently these things take time. I am making an effort to eat less junk food.
I also find going to the gym makes you not want to eat junk food.I am in general an impatient person Im communication with a few people from here and other places. But everything seems to be moving with a snail pace.Much like me on the treadmill. (joke)I always find things move slowly with people and meeting up,etc. I get annoyed when things move slowly. Because I realise how short life is and I dont want to waste a second of my life waiting around for people.
I havent updated this for a while. I have become a gym bunny I really enjoy it. I have been going for three weeks. Im a impatient young woman although I have seen litte changes to my body I was expecting a bit more. But apparently these things take time. I am making an effort to eat less junk food.
I also find going to the gym makes you not want to eat junk food.I am in general an impatient person Im communication with a few people from here and other places. But everything seems to be moving with a snail pace.Much like me on the treadmill. (joke)I always find things move slowly with people and meeting up,etc. I get annoyed when things move slowly. Because I realise how short life is and I dont want to waste a second of my life waiting around for people.
One Night Stand
Date:Nov 2, 2005
I have a few guys interested in me at the mo. Which is unsual as most of the time I get no attention. Some non passion members people from other sites. Once upon a time I was flattered to get an e-mail from a guy on this site and even more flattered when I sent my picture and got a response. I didnt believe I was sexy at all and was always amazed that some one found me attractive enough to want to be intimate with me. It boosted my confidence and made me feel sexy.However in the past couple of weeks there has been a change in me. I am no longer flattered when a guy emails me.
I just see it as a guy looking to get his leg over or have a one night stand.I currently have a friend who is seeing to my needs and doing a very good job. Yet I open these e-mails from guys or talk to them on msn messenger knowing that it is likely it will lead to one night stand. I dont have anything againist one night stands in fact I think it can be a very good thing as long as both parties know what is going on.I am quite happy with my sex life with my friend. But I still talk to these guys. I have thought about it and its curiousity that makes me talk to them.
However Im just not sure I want risk having a one night stand and having bad sex anymore. When I joined this site i was going through an insane period in life and acting the same way. I loved sex and still do.I dont regret any experience that I had with passion members. I had fun I learned a lot about me. But I have matured and my self confidence has grown and now im a bit more picky about who I let inside me. I am not completely closed to a one night stand but if I have one it better be amazing
I have a few guys interested in me at the mo. Which is unsual as most of the time I get no attention. Some non passion members people from other sites. Once upon a time I was flattered to get an e-mail from a guy on this site and even more flattered when I sent my picture and got a response. I didnt believe I was sexy at all and was always amazed that some one found me attractive enough to want to be intimate with me. It boosted my confidence and made me feel sexy.However in the past couple of weeks there has been a change in me. I am no longer flattered when a guy emails me.
I just see it as a guy looking to get his leg over or have a one night stand.I currently have a friend who is seeing to my needs and doing a very good job. Yet I open these e-mails from guys or talk to them on msn messenger knowing that it is likely it will lead to one night stand. I dont have anything againist one night stands in fact I think it can be a very good thing as long as both parties know what is going on.I am quite happy with my sex life with my friend. But I still talk to these guys. I have thought about it and its curiousity that makes me talk to them.
However Im just not sure I want risk having a one night stand and having bad sex anymore. When I joined this site i was going through an insane period in life and acting the same way. I loved sex and still do.I dont regret any experience that I had with passion members. I had fun I learned a lot about me. But I have matured and my self confidence has grown and now im a bit more picky about who I let inside me. I am not completely closed to a one night stand but if I have one it better be amazing
Im alright, Jack
Date:Oct 21, 2005
I went back to work a few weeks ago. I am kind of enjoying as it takes my mind off things. Im taking it day by day. Im trying to fill up my evenings and Im joining a gym.
I am hoping to pack my evenings with going to the gym and cinema maybe more gigs,theatre and clubbing and art galleries, reading.I also want to start traveling the world and enjoy my life while I am around.But I still miss mum everyday
I went back to work a few weeks ago. I am kind of enjoying as it takes my mind off things. Im taking it day by day. Im trying to fill up my evenings and Im joining a gym.
I am hoping to pack my evenings with going to the gym and cinema maybe more gigs,theatre and clubbing and art galleries, reading.I also want to start traveling the world and enjoy my life while I am around.But I still miss mum everyday
Home on a Saturday Night
Date:Sep 24, 2005
Its a Saturday Night and I am home. Its partly because my mum funeral was yesterday. I am giving myself time to grieve. So I am at home because it doesnt feel right go out.The problem with staying is amplifies my loneliness and makes it more obvious that my mother has gone.It makes me cry and feel sad although this time is painful.
I think its necessary to help me grieve and eventually move on but never forget.I havent been answering my phone because I dont want talk to anyone. I managed to do some laundry and spring cleaning in my bedroom. I try to keep myself busy.But sometimes all I want to do is lie down and do nothing. I am doing my blog to help get my feelings out.Because I always found writing therapeutic
Its a Saturday Night and I am home. Its partly because my mum funeral was yesterday. I am giving myself time to grieve. So I am at home because it doesnt feel right go out.The problem with staying is amplifies my loneliness and makes it more obvious that my mother has gone.It makes me cry and feel sad although this time is painful.
I think its necessary to help me grieve and eventually move on but never forget.I havent been answering my phone because I dont want talk to anyone. I managed to do some laundry and spring cleaning in my bedroom. I try to keep myself busy.But sometimes all I want to do is lie down and do nothing. I am doing my blog to help get my feelings out.Because I always found writing therapeutic
Tears
Date:Sep 18, 2005
I have started to notice even when I am on my own I cant completely let go of my tears. There is something that keeps stopping me from crying as much as I want to. My mother was a great believer of crying as therapy. My mum always thought crying helped you move on and you always felt better after a cry. I want to cry when I feel sad but something is blocking me. Maybe I just need to take my time and when the time is right I will cry and let it all out.I am hoping the funeral will help me to fully express what I am feeling.
In other news this might sound a bit conceited but I am quite a pretty girl. I find that no one wants to love and date a pretty girl they just wanna fuck her. This comment is open discussion.Maybe its something that I do but I seem to attract guys who are looking for a short term thing or one night stand. Although I am currently looking for short term flings for now. I worry that I might continue to attract the wrong sort of guy all my life and that I will end up being someone mistress. Instead of the woman who is married with the nice house with or without out kids and a dog
I have started to notice even when I am on my own I cant completely let go of my tears. There is something that keeps stopping me from crying as much as I want to. My mother was a great believer of crying as therapy. My mum always thought crying helped you move on and you always felt better after a cry. I want to cry when I feel sad but something is blocking me. Maybe I just need to take my time and when the time is right I will cry and let it all out.I am hoping the funeral will help me to fully express what I am feeling.
In other news this might sound a bit conceited but I am quite a pretty girl. I find that no one wants to love and date a pretty girl they just wanna fuck her. This comment is open discussion.Maybe its something that I do but I seem to attract guys who are looking for a short term thing or one night stand. Although I am currently looking for short term flings for now. I worry that I might continue to attract the wrong sort of guy all my life and that I will end up being someone mistress. Instead of the woman who is married with the nice house with or without out kids and a dog
I did it
Date:Sep 15, 2005
I am still mid grief but I am adjusting to the shock of my mother death. I miss her a lot , I miss her love, and our conversations, her advice.I was offered some comfort and I took it. It may have been the wrong thing to do but I felt better afterwards.A man who knows about my std status told me he had been thinking about me and how I turn him on.He asked if I wanted to come over and I decided after thinking about it that I did.I dont think having H is a big deal. I was really scared after been told I have H.
Because I thought I would never have sex again but I was wrong. The sex was good we drank wine and chilled out.
I also went to see my mum in the chapel of rest on Tuesday. I kissed her goodbye her skin was so cold but she looked very peaceful. I know I am going to miss her for the rest of my life.I dont know if what I did was the right thing I felt better for having sex, but am I just masking my grief.
The sex made me feel better for a while but ultimately I am still grieving and will be for a long time.My family has developed this habit of making me stop crying and trying to stem my tears. When all I wanna do is let it out. I think its partly because my crying makes them want to cry. I think me not letting it out will only make the process last longer.
I have to stand up for myself and let them know that I want to cry and I dont want them to try and stop me.
I am still mid grief but I am adjusting to the shock of my mother death. I miss her a lot , I miss her love, and our conversations, her advice.I was offered some comfort and I took it. It may have been the wrong thing to do but I felt better afterwards.A man who knows about my std status told me he had been thinking about me and how I turn him on.He asked if I wanted to come over and I decided after thinking about it that I did.I dont think having H is a big deal. I was really scared after been told I have H.
Because I thought I would never have sex again but I was wrong. The sex was good we drank wine and chilled out.
I also went to see my mum in the chapel of rest on Tuesday. I kissed her goodbye her skin was so cold but she looked very peaceful. I know I am going to miss her for the rest of my life.I dont know if what I did was the right thing I felt better for having sex, but am I just masking my grief.
The sex made me feel better for a while but ultimately I am still grieving and will be for a long time.My family has developed this habit of making me stop crying and trying to stem my tears. When all I wanna do is let it out. I think its partly because my crying makes them want to cry. I think me not letting it out will only make the process last longer.
I have to stand up for myself and let them know that I want to cry and I dont want them to try and stop me.
Stop all the clocks and cut off the telephone
Date :Sep 7, 2005
My mother died today she had been ill on and off for a long time. But it was still a great shock.I have always hated the term passed away when describing that someone has died it just annoys me.I will probably be talking about my mother for a long time.
My mother was very important to me.This is a poem that describes how I feel about my mother. I didnt write it and hopefully putting it on a post wont get Passion.com in trouble with copyright laws.
Stop all the clocks,
cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message She Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
R.I.P Mum
I have never had a major death in my family. A person I was so close to.We were very close and stuck together like glue. I feel like only source of unconditional love has died. No one will love me like my mother did.I dont know how I am going to live without her.
Everyone keeps telling me to be strong but I dont know how.I know she was in alot of pain prior to her death and she is at peace now. But it hurts to live without her.I know my mother wouldnt want me to fall apart and not carry on living my life. I want to make her happy and show her that I will be ok. Its just that Im not sure that I will be ok
My mother died today she had been ill on and off for a long time. But it was still a great shock.I have always hated the term passed away when describing that someone has died it just annoys me.I will probably be talking about my mother for a long time.
My mother was very important to me.This is a poem that describes how I feel about my mother. I didnt write it and hopefully putting it on a post wont get Passion.com in trouble with copyright laws.
Stop all the clocks,
cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message She Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
R.I.P Mum
I have never had a major death in my family. A person I was so close to.We were very close and stuck together like glue. I feel like only source of unconditional love has died. No one will love me like my mother did.I dont know how I am going to live without her.
Everyone keeps telling me to be strong but I dont know how.I know she was in alot of pain prior to her death and she is at peace now. But it hurts to live without her.I know my mother wouldnt want me to fall apart and not carry on living my life. I want to make her happy and show her that I will be ok. Its just that Im not sure that I will be ok
Cut the crap
Date :Sep 4, 2005
Well it turns out have to cut the crap out in more ways than one.To stop outbreaks of Herpes. So I will be exercising, yoga, taebo and using and exercise bike. I might even get a six pack.I have to change my diet which will help stop outbreaks. Not too much drinking and get it enough rest. So far I have one outbreak and possibly one phantom outbreak.Phantom outbreaks means sensations of outbreak but no actual spots.The strange thing is my vagina has never looked so pretty and virginal. I also seem to grow less public hair since I caught Herpes.
I have no idea what that is about.I must admit I thought having Herpes was gonna be this huge change in my life. But its actually quite a boring virus with a huge stigma.When I found I had Herpes I chucked out all my sex toys. I dont know why.
Anyway I ordered some replacements on Friday which should arrive mid next week. Im particularly looking forward to the arrival of Velvet Touch by Dr Johnson.I switched on my ad in the hope of meeting more Herpster no such luck. I just seem to attract people who cant read or people who think im joking.
I think honesty is the best policy. I think that you need to let to people make an informed decision. I dont know if I am ever gonna get laid again I hope so but I dont know.I was advise at the clinic dont have sex during an outbreak. At all other times use a condom or femidom for more protection. I wasnt told I should never have sex again.There is a lot misinformation flying around.
Well it turns out have to cut the crap out in more ways than one.To stop outbreaks of Herpes. So I will be exercising, yoga, taebo and using and exercise bike. I might even get a six pack.I have to change my diet which will help stop outbreaks. Not too much drinking and get it enough rest. So far I have one outbreak and possibly one phantom outbreak.Phantom outbreaks means sensations of outbreak but no actual spots.The strange thing is my vagina has never looked so pretty and virginal. I also seem to grow less public hair since I caught Herpes.
I have no idea what that is about.I must admit I thought having Herpes was gonna be this huge change in my life. But its actually quite a boring virus with a huge stigma.When I found I had Herpes I chucked out all my sex toys. I dont know why.
Anyway I ordered some replacements on Friday which should arrive mid next week. Im particularly looking forward to the arrival of Velvet Touch by Dr Johnson.I switched on my ad in the hope of meeting more Herpster no such luck. I just seem to attract people who cant read or people who think im joking.
I think honesty is the best policy. I think that you need to let to people make an informed decision. I dont know if I am ever gonna get laid again I hope so but I dont know.I was advise at the clinic dont have sex during an outbreak. At all other times use a condom or femidom for more protection. I wasnt told I should never have sex again.There is a lot misinformation flying around.
This is a quick one ( warning I have an STD but you cant catch it from reading this post)
Date:Aug 29, 2005
Before anyone starts on me .I know having an std isnt a joke.But I am feeling optimistic most of the time.I have contracted Herpes HSV1, after getting over the intial shock.
I am feeling quite positive. I still feel like the same person.I dont feel like its the end of my story just the begining of a new chapter.I always said my blog would be about my experiences and this is one of them.I will keep updating my blog, fellow people with H feel free to get in touch.
I feel like I dont want to hide away in Hcorner of the net.As long as I state it clearly I have it. Passion welcomes everyone as long as they are honest. I wont be switching my profile back on for a while as I am not ready to start anything with anyone.People can have H and be totally unaware of it.
In other news
I got back in touch with SV he still messed me about. Now that I told him I have H he has gone quiet on me. I wasnt suggesting a relationship just being friends. But if he is scared I understand
Before anyone starts on me .I know having an std isnt a joke.But I am feeling optimistic most of the time.I have contracted Herpes HSV1, after getting over the intial shock.
I am feeling quite positive. I still feel like the same person.I dont feel like its the end of my story just the begining of a new chapter.I always said my blog would be about my experiences and this is one of them.I will keep updating my blog, fellow people with H feel free to get in touch.
I feel like I dont want to hide away in Hcorner of the net.As long as I state it clearly I have it. Passion welcomes everyone as long as they are honest. I wont be switching my profile back on for a while as I am not ready to start anything with anyone.People can have H and be totally unaware of it.
In other news
I got back in touch with SV he still messed me about. Now that I told him I have H he has gone quiet on me. I wasnt suggesting a relationship just being friends. But if he is scared I understand
Change of Scene
Date:Aug 16, 2005
I am leaving my current job in a few weeks. I am leaving behind colleagues that I have become very fond of.I am starting all over again.My new job will require a high level of concentration, communication skills and will be hardwork.
I am a bit scared to leave a job that I am quite good at and well accomplished in. To go to a job where I am uncertain how good I will be at the new job.Sometimes you cant think logically about things. That the company who is hiring you must of seen something they liked about you, and decided to hire you.
All you can do is fill yourself with doubts on whether you are doing the right thing.I know I am doing the right thing but I cant help be nervous about the change of scene.I hope that I complete the training succesfully and become successful at my new job.
Although I am shitting myself regarding making the change.What is life if you dont challenge yourself to learn new things and put yourself in different situations.
I am leaving my current job in a few weeks. I am leaving behind colleagues that I have become very fond of.I am starting all over again.My new job will require a high level of concentration, communication skills and will be hardwork.
I am a bit scared to leave a job that I am quite good at and well accomplished in. To go to a job where I am uncertain how good I will be at the new job.Sometimes you cant think logically about things. That the company who is hiring you must of seen something they liked about you, and decided to hire you.
All you can do is fill yourself with doubts on whether you are doing the right thing.I know I am doing the right thing but I cant help be nervous about the change of scene.I hope that I complete the training succesfully and become successful at my new job.
Although I am shitting myself regarding making the change.What is life if you dont challenge yourself to learn new things and put yourself in different situations.
It was suppose to be so easy
Date:Aug 7, 2005
Well I went to my social event. I had fun but not as much as I thought I would. The invite so it would be a 50/50 mix of male and female.However it was more like 70/20 male / female mix. I didnt make new friends so to speak but I did have some very interesting conversations. I went with this girl called K. K is french and younger than me. But is so sophiscated I felt rather unsophiscated next to her.I had a few short conversations with some guys. A few friendly hello's with some females.
I intially felt like it was a failure as I didnt swap numbers with anyone. But actually I was nice to just meet people even if things went no further. I now feel more confident going up to a stranger and talking to them.About half and hour into the night I saw a man sitting with a group of guys. He didnt looked like he belonged. I was instanly intrigued. I went over and spoke to him. He was unaware what tonight was about. He was friendly and made me laugh. While his mates mucked about. We chatted he bought me my first pint.
We drank and chatted. He then kissed me on the lips it was nice but he also bit me on the lip. I pulled away he explained it was his way of kissing.It had a strange vibe the pleasure of a soft gentle kiss and then the pain of biting. We kissed a bit more. Then I started to get a bit shy. So we stopped he said there were two options we could go home to our separate homes or have another drink. I said go home to our separate homes.
I knew I didnt want to go any further. He went off the the loo.His mate turned to me and said
How do I get a woman to kiss me in this place?
Get her drunk enough I said laughing
He then said has he told you about his wife and kids.
I said really?
my brain slightly addled with boozeThe mate then said he was joking
But told me to be careful, he was looking out for me.
I told him it was only a kiss.He asked me if the guy knew that.
I said I think so.The guy returned from the loo and I quickly said goodbye to K.We left the club to make our way home.
As we walked I repeated my conversation with his mate as I just wanted to make things clear in my head.He told me he didnt have a wife and kids. He asked me to confirm which mate had told me that I wouldnt confirm as I didnt want to cause any trouble. I added the mate said he was looking out for me.
His responses Men are never looking out for you. He was probably trying to get you for himself.We said goodbyes at the station and had a quick kiss.Its very unlikely that we will ever see each other again as we didnt exchange numbers.But it still very nice to meet him.
My social event experience has made me more determined to go to more of these events. Meeting people is cool and enhances your life
Well I went to my social event. I had fun but not as much as I thought I would. The invite so it would be a 50/50 mix of male and female.However it was more like 70/20 male / female mix. I didnt make new friends so to speak but I did have some very interesting conversations. I went with this girl called K. K is french and younger than me. But is so sophiscated I felt rather unsophiscated next to her.I had a few short conversations with some guys. A few friendly hello's with some females.
I intially felt like it was a failure as I didnt swap numbers with anyone. But actually I was nice to just meet people even if things went no further. I now feel more confident going up to a stranger and talking to them.About half and hour into the night I saw a man sitting with a group of guys. He didnt looked like he belonged. I was instanly intrigued. I went over and spoke to him. He was unaware what tonight was about. He was friendly and made me laugh. While his mates mucked about. We chatted he bought me my first pint.
We drank and chatted. He then kissed me on the lips it was nice but he also bit me on the lip. I pulled away he explained it was his way of kissing.It had a strange vibe the pleasure of a soft gentle kiss and then the pain of biting. We kissed a bit more. Then I started to get a bit shy. So we stopped he said there were two options we could go home to our separate homes or have another drink. I said go home to our separate homes.
I knew I didnt want to go any further. He went off the the loo.His mate turned to me and said
How do I get a woman to kiss me in this place?
Get her drunk enough I said laughing
He then said has he told you about his wife and kids.
I said really?
my brain slightly addled with boozeThe mate then said he was joking
But told me to be careful, he was looking out for me.
I told him it was only a kiss.He asked me if the guy knew that.
I said I think so.The guy returned from the loo and I quickly said goodbye to K.We left the club to make our way home.
As we walked I repeated my conversation with his mate as I just wanted to make things clear in my head.He told me he didnt have a wife and kids. He asked me to confirm which mate had told me that I wouldnt confirm as I didnt want to cause any trouble. I added the mate said he was looking out for me.
His responses Men are never looking out for you. He was probably trying to get you for himself.We said goodbyes at the station and had a quick kiss.Its very unlikely that we will ever see each other again as we didnt exchange numbers.But it still very nice to meet him.
My social event experience has made me more determined to go to more of these events. Meeting people is cool and enhances your life
I never thought
Date:Aug 4, 2005
My mother is in ill health and things are probably going to get worse before they get better.I am having to deal with things that I never thought I would. I am having to make decisions that never thought I would.I feel a little vunerable but I am trying to stay strong.Life can be so difficult it throws things at and you just have to cope the best way you can.On the upside I am going to a social event on the weekend. I hoping to make some new friends to improve my social life
My mother is in ill health and things are probably going to get worse before they get better.I am having to deal with things that I never thought I would. I am having to make decisions that never thought I would.I feel a little vunerable but I am trying to stay strong.Life can be so difficult it throws things at and you just have to cope the best way you can.On the upside I am going to a social event on the weekend. I hoping to make some new friends to improve my social life
Sometimes Weird
Date :Jul 24, 2005
I am a bit concerned that sometimes I come across as a little weird in my blog. But its who I am. I decided to not amend my ad instead I am keeping it turned off. I am not ready to meet people at the moment. I will work through the people on my messenger see if there is any potential fuck buddies there.After I came home from the Cinema last night. I put my msn messenger. Just to check if SV was there. I know it may make me look a little like a bunny boiler. But I wanted to talk him so that I can get some answers. I went to wash the dishes and have a shower I came back to the computer screen.
There was a message from the guy who offered me his services.I now think the services was something that was said to get rid of me for good.It worked as I have no interest him.His message said something along the lines of: I am cumming in a minute.my response was :whathis response:god sorry - camming on Passion.com meant for someone else.Thats just what I needed someone who I once liked telling me that they had someone else. That they had chosen someone else.Sometimes you get hurt by people. It feels like all contact is pushing the knife in deeper into your chest.Sometimes people hurt you and they do not know they do it at all. I am sure that I hurt people and probably wasnt even aware of it.Its weird some guys say things and make promises and you pay no attention at all.Other guys say things and make promises and you believe them and you hold on to the things that were said.I decided there and then that I had to delete and block him and a few others.
I couldnt have anymore contact with this person. I had been hurt enough already.I dont think he meant to do it. To be honest I did it to myself. I read too much into things and banged on to a friend how great the sex was. I made it into something it never was.I am thinking about blocking SV. as Im sure I would only get hurt by any further contact.I love the cleanliness of an online relationship all you have to do is delete their e-mails and block them on messenger. It helps you forget and move on.
Wedding Crashers is a good movie and Vince Vaugh is hot. I have liked him since his movie - A Cool Dry Place. I have a crush on him.
I am a bit concerned that sometimes I come across as a little weird in my blog. But its who I am. I decided to not amend my ad instead I am keeping it turned off. I am not ready to meet people at the moment. I will work through the people on my messenger see if there is any potential fuck buddies there.After I came home from the Cinema last night. I put my msn messenger. Just to check if SV was there. I know it may make me look a little like a bunny boiler. But I wanted to talk him so that I can get some answers. I went to wash the dishes and have a shower I came back to the computer screen.
There was a message from the guy who offered me his services.I now think the services was something that was said to get rid of me for good.It worked as I have no interest him.His message said something along the lines of: I am cumming in a minute.my response was :whathis response:god sorry - camming on Passion.com meant for someone else.Thats just what I needed someone who I once liked telling me that they had someone else. That they had chosen someone else.Sometimes you get hurt by people. It feels like all contact is pushing the knife in deeper into your chest.Sometimes people hurt you and they do not know they do it at all. I am sure that I hurt people and probably wasnt even aware of it.Its weird some guys say things and make promises and you pay no attention at all.Other guys say things and make promises and you believe them and you hold on to the things that were said.I decided there and then that I had to delete and block him and a few others.
I couldnt have anymore contact with this person. I had been hurt enough already.I dont think he meant to do it. To be honest I did it to myself. I read too much into things and banged on to a friend how great the sex was. I made it into something it never was.I am thinking about blocking SV. as Im sure I would only get hurt by any further contact.I love the cleanliness of an online relationship all you have to do is delete their e-mails and block them on messenger. It helps you forget and move on.
Wedding Crashers is a good movie and Vince Vaugh is hot. I have liked him since his movie - A Cool Dry Place. I have a crush on him.
I had to do it
Date:Jul 23, 2005
I dumped SV on Thursday night via text message. I know not the nice way to do it but he left me no choice. I needed closure so that I could move on. If I am honest I probably wasnt as into him as I thought. I was into the idea of having someone who will take you out on dates.
Someone who will be there for you.Someone who is on the same page as you sexually.Someone who wants to take time to explore your body.I have the fear that he might try to make a reappearance as men do. Just as you get over a guy. He calls you or texts you or turns up on your doorstep.
I fear it happening but I think its quite unlikely, but you never know.So I am ready to start again I will be revamping my advert asking for the things I really want.Im off to watch two guys crash some weddings
I dumped SV on Thursday night via text message. I know not the nice way to do it but he left me no choice. I needed closure so that I could move on. If I am honest I probably wasnt as into him as I thought. I was into the idea of having someone who will take you out on dates.
Someone who will be there for you.Someone who is on the same page as you sexually.Someone who wants to take time to explore your body.I have the fear that he might try to make a reappearance as men do. Just as you get over a guy. He calls you or texts you or turns up on your doorstep.
I fear it happening but I think its quite unlikely, but you never know.So I am ready to start again I will be revamping my advert asking for the things I really want.Im off to watch two guys crash some weddings
I just dont know what to do with myself
Date :Jul 15, 2005
SV cancelled our date for the third time.I just dont know whether I should read between the lines. I close the door on the dating and then he reopens it. I feel that I am tired of this it.Im not sure of anything except that I feel messed about by him. I want to end it because I dont like feeling down on a Friday night.
I have written the dumping text and I am waiting to send it at 11pm tonight to make sure I dont make a mistake. I dont want to send it in anger. Im so relectant to end the dating . Because he is my last option of available sex and Im not interested in starting anything new with another person right now
.So I am sitting in my room on a Friday Night listening to the White Stripes version of I just dont know what to do with myself on repeat. Feel teary and and feeling like a loser for not having a back up plan.
SV cancelled our date for the third time.I just dont know whether I should read between the lines. I close the door on the dating and then he reopens it. I feel that I am tired of this it.Im not sure of anything except that I feel messed about by him. I want to end it because I dont like feeling down on a Friday night.
I have written the dumping text and I am waiting to send it at 11pm tonight to make sure I dont make a mistake. I dont want to send it in anger. Im so relectant to end the dating . Because he is my last option of available sex and Im not interested in starting anything new with another person right now
.So I am sitting in my room on a Friday Night listening to the White Stripes version of I just dont know what to do with myself on repeat. Feel teary and and feeling like a loser for not having a back up plan.
Monday, 28 May 2007
I laughed until I cried
I had a funny night last night.I spoke to a person I had met twice. After feedback from various women including myself. He was now offering his services for financial gain.I was surprised and amused by this in a way I cant explain.I admit that post sex I pursued him on and off basis for another shag. I have got wet from talking online with him. Our online conversation was interrupted as my stepdad wanting to talk to me.My mother is unwell.My stepdad informed me of her new condition. I got upset as the news wasnt good. I said it was all too much.
I left the flat to shut my window. Then I came back in to the flat. He asked me what was wrong I explained that I couldnt really handle my mother's ill health. I missed talking to her. I got jealous when I saw young women with their mothers.
I also went into that someone was offering their services to me.My stepdad looked bemused and said maybe he thinks youre depressedIm not depressed I repliedI explained that post intimacy I did pursue him on and off basis.
I just dont think I need to pay for it.I saidL, at least if you pay for it you get what you want out of it.You tell him what to do. he saidSo this guy could be my bitch I said laughingUntil I started to cry.Did this guy think that I was so unattractive, lonely and desperate that I would pay for it?
I just think that a woman with a sex life already has so many expenses. Hair, nails, make up, body hair removal, clothes, sexy underwear,condoms,etc. Then add paying for sex and a hotel to it. If you are paying for it better be earth shatteringly good.I find the idea of paying for sex a complete turn off. But I have to admit it might of been a laugh to pay for it
I left the flat to shut my window. Then I came back in to the flat. He asked me what was wrong I explained that I couldnt really handle my mother's ill health. I missed talking to her. I got jealous when I saw young women with their mothers.
I also went into that someone was offering their services to me.My stepdad looked bemused and said maybe he thinks youre depressedIm not depressed I repliedI explained that post intimacy I did pursue him on and off basis.
I just dont think I need to pay for it.I saidL, at least if you pay for it you get what you want out of it.You tell him what to do. he saidSo this guy could be my bitch I said laughingUntil I started to cry.Did this guy think that I was so unattractive, lonely and desperate that I would pay for it?
I just think that a woman with a sex life already has so many expenses. Hair, nails, make up, body hair removal, clothes, sexy underwear,condoms,etc. Then add paying for sex and a hotel to it. If you are paying for it better be earth shatteringly good.I find the idea of paying for sex a complete turn off. But I have to admit it might of been a laugh to pay for it
Constant Reassurance
Date:Jun 26, 2005
Well it turns things arent over with the oral hygiene guy who i will be renaming SV. Because if he ever reads this. He will probably be quite offended. that I was calling him oral hygiene guy as it reflects quite badly on him. Especially when there is nothing wrong with his hygiene.He just didnt phone me for a couple days and didnt call to cancel our date. Maybe I need too much constant reassurance.I spoke to the threesome guy late last night he said he cancelled cos he felt he would be using us (the women). I stated that everyone is always using each other in sex. He just changed the subject.
Well it turns things arent over with the oral hygiene guy who i will be renaming SV. Because if he ever reads this. He will probably be quite offended. that I was calling him oral hygiene guy as it reflects quite badly on him. Especially when there is nothing wrong with his hygiene.He just didnt phone me for a couple days and didnt call to cancel our date. Maybe I need too much constant reassurance.I spoke to the threesome guy late last night he said he cancelled cos he felt he would be using us (the women). I stated that everyone is always using each other in sex. He just changed the subject.
Dumped and Threesomes
Date: Jun 25, 2005
A number of things have gone wrong for me at the moment.Some im willing to discuss some im not.Well I think I have been dumped by the guy for asking about his oral hygiene. I liked him so I am a bit sad. In typical twat fashion he doesnt end it properly he just doesnt answer my telephone calls. I get the message so I wont be calling him again.Its a shame cos I liked him and we seemed to be on the same page sexually. He made me laugh and was quite sweet. Gosh this is turning into a love letter.
I was naughty a couple of weeks ago I slept with someone I shouldnt of to fufill a certain fantasy. I had a wonderful time but am full of regret. He wants to do it again. I know I should say no, because its typical of married men to want have their cake and eat it.I was invited to a threesome a by a guy; I have being having sweaty nasty and dirty sex with for the past two weekends .
I was intially offended but I took some time to think about it. I thought why not.Once I make my mind up about something I do not change it.So I agreed to attend his ffm fantasy this weekend a few drinks in a pub before going back to his. I spoke to the other lady on the phone she was brief but seemed nice and definetly up for it.He spent the next few days texting tell me all the flithy things he wanted to do me and her.
Telling me how excited the other lady was to be having a threesome.I refused to get excited. Until last night when he sent me a text, it turned me on. I started to get into it.We talked on the phone last night I mentioned how I might be starting my period he didnt seemed overtly concerned. He is a nasty boy.I also raised another issue I had with him condoms and sometimes forgets to put it on.I was planning to stop sleeping with him over the condom issue as it close to my heart.He called me today and said its off he said it just doesnt feel right.
I could tell by his voice that he meant it. But I now im getting paranoid thinking did he cancel over the condom issue? was i replaced by someone who isnt that bothered if he doesnt wear a condom? was it the period? Are they doing it without me?Did the other girl change her mind? was I not pretty enough? or maybe it just didnt feel right?
I think it kind takes guts to back out of something like this as a man. But I kind of feel its best I close the chapter on this guy for obvious reasons(condoms not threesome). Although the sex is very good I dont feel like I have no control of this situation.He is very dominant in bed and does exactly what he wants without asking permission.I admit the sex feels great but it cant go on forever.But I will always remember him and smile
A number of things have gone wrong for me at the moment.Some im willing to discuss some im not.Well I think I have been dumped by the guy for asking about his oral hygiene. I liked him so I am a bit sad. In typical twat fashion he doesnt end it properly he just doesnt answer my telephone calls. I get the message so I wont be calling him again.Its a shame cos I liked him and we seemed to be on the same page sexually. He made me laugh and was quite sweet. Gosh this is turning into a love letter.
I was naughty a couple of weeks ago I slept with someone I shouldnt of to fufill a certain fantasy. I had a wonderful time but am full of regret. He wants to do it again. I know I should say no, because its typical of married men to want have their cake and eat it.I was invited to a threesome a by a guy; I have being having sweaty nasty and dirty sex with for the past two weekends .
I was intially offended but I took some time to think about it. I thought why not.Once I make my mind up about something I do not change it.So I agreed to attend his ffm fantasy this weekend a few drinks in a pub before going back to his. I spoke to the other lady on the phone she was brief but seemed nice and definetly up for it.He spent the next few days texting tell me all the flithy things he wanted to do me and her.
Telling me how excited the other lady was to be having a threesome.I refused to get excited. Until last night when he sent me a text, it turned me on. I started to get into it.We talked on the phone last night I mentioned how I might be starting my period he didnt seemed overtly concerned. He is a nasty boy.I also raised another issue I had with him condoms and sometimes forgets to put it on.I was planning to stop sleeping with him over the condom issue as it close to my heart.He called me today and said its off he said it just doesnt feel right.
I could tell by his voice that he meant it. But I now im getting paranoid thinking did he cancel over the condom issue? was i replaced by someone who isnt that bothered if he doesnt wear a condom? was it the period? Are they doing it without me?Did the other girl change her mind? was I not pretty enough? or maybe it just didnt feel right?
I think it kind takes guts to back out of something like this as a man. But I kind of feel its best I close the chapter on this guy for obvious reasons(condoms not threesome). Although the sex is very good I dont feel like I have no control of this situation.He is very dominant in bed and does exactly what he wants without asking permission.I admit the sex feels great but it cant go on forever.But I will always remember him and smile
A dirty little secret
Date: Jun 15, 2005
I am currently dabbling in a s&m thing.While I was in hospital. My aunt had to pack an overnight bag for me. In her packing she managed to find my slapper. For those who dont know what a slapper is. A slapper is used for spanking.She invited me to come stay with her last week. She confronted me with the news. All I could say in response was no comment. I was quite embarrassed that she found it. My dirty little secret was out. I know she wont tell anyone. I wanted to tell her not to worry thats its only a bit of fun. But I guess I am afraid of her seeing her little niece as a sexual being who is into s&m.
I am currently dabbling in a s&m thing.While I was in hospital. My aunt had to pack an overnight bag for me. In her packing she managed to find my slapper. For those who dont know what a slapper is. A slapper is used for spanking.She invited me to come stay with her last week. She confronted me with the news. All I could say in response was no comment. I was quite embarrassed that she found it. My dirty little secret was out. I know she wont tell anyone. I wanted to tell her not to worry thats its only a bit of fun. But I guess I am afraid of her seeing her little niece as a sexual being who is into s&m.
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